You have to try, or nothing will change.

Jesus Christ suffered and died for me. He gave His LIFE for me–how can I repay Him? Honestly, I can't. All I can do is try every day to be better, and to do better. Sometimes, I fail. But I get up and try again. My friend told me recently, "It’s okay to lose sometimes! You are still amazing and faith-filled and dedicated and full of worth! Every day is an opportunity for a new victory." I loved that and thought it was beautiful. I am human, and I am imperfect. I make mistakes, and sometimes I lose. It's a great reminder that my worth is not dependent upon anything. My worth is as constant as the sea–as constant as the changing of the moon and tides. It is always there and it is a reminder of the love of my Father in Heaven.

God loves me. I can ask Him, and He will tell me. He blesses me constantly–even when I can't see it. He is aware of me, and of my struggles. I can do hard things. I have done hard things, and I will continue to do hard things. Life is always throwing curveballs at me, and I am always going to be trying to hit them out of the park. Sometimes I will fail. But as I talk with Him, and tell Him how I am feeling, I can better be aware of His light and guidance in helping me through my struggles.

Sometimes I can't do things.
But because of (and with) Him, I can.

Jesus Christ is the only one who truly understands all that I am going through. He can help me overcome the feelings and experiences that are making me feel sad, anxious, depressed, and anything in between. Those feelings might not go away completely, but He can help me fill my life and change my focus so that the ache is not as constant.

Someone said in their testimony today that if we are constantly watering a plant, we are going to drown it. The same is with God. God is always aware of me, and He will water me (give me spiritual guidance/experiences) when I need it, and He will always give me enough.

I know that life is always going to be rough. There are always going to be challenges. There are always going to be "trips to the hospital for things that turn out to be appendicitis" in life–sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. But you have to keep moving forward. You have to TRY. Or nothing will change. There is no growth in the comfort zone. There is no comfort in the growth zone. I am trying every day to be better. I know that I am not in the comfort zone because every day is hard.

I am trying to learn as I am growing but sometimes it is hard to see what I can learn from these experiences. I am trying to be patient and focus on taking things one day at a time but sometimes it is hard. Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried about the future. Sometimes my depression makes me think that there is no future, so why should I worry about what's going on in my life right now? Together, they make trusting my Heavenly Father probably the most difficult thing in the world for me right now. But I know that as I turn to Him, and put my trust in Him every day...even if I don't understand...that little by little, this puzzle that is my life will start to piece together. Because just like a puzzle, it takes time for all the pieces of my life to come together.

"I am glad that the pieces of the puzzle of my life are in God's hands. He knows exactly where and when to put them and make it complete." ~ Caroline Naoroji

Xoxo

Mattie

Allow yourself to be forgiven.

Well, today's the day of all the musics!! I was thinking a lot about it during the sacrament today.

I am so thankful for my Savior. It has been a crazy and stressful week, what with finalizing the Fireside tonight, writing papers, and preparing to sing my solo in sacrament meeting. I was able to get everything done but am now absolutely termed something is going to go horribly wrong. Also, I'm nervous, so that doesn't exactly help haha. It honestly is going to be so amazing but my anxiety kicked in this week/weekend and I've been struggling to kick it out. Luckily I have been praying for peace and calm assurance, so I'm feeling slightly better. I don't know where I'd be without my Savior's help and love. I need i each and every day. So thankful that He is always there!  💜

Well, first music of the day was me singing "Oh Holy Night" in sacrament meeting. And of course I was the first number right after the sacrament. So the whole time the sacrament was going on I was trying to be so, so calm, but I was honestly absolutely terrified (as you can see from my thoughts during the sacrament today). Afterwards, I was like, "I feel like I am simultaneously getting better and more confident at performing, but also more nervous each and every time." I don't know how that works haha but that's how it is.

In Gospel Principles, we talked about the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and we talked about it in an amazing new light that I loved. Some of the things that we talked about today were things that I needed to hear. One thing that we talked about was that forgiveness is you repenting of having hard feelings for them, and forgiving the debt that you feel they owe you. It isn't possible for them to pay that debt. Only Jesus Christ can do that. Another thing we talked about was that part of turning to God and Christ is allowing ourselves to be forgiven. If He says we're forgiven, we're forgiven.

(One thing I was thinking about, too, is that we need to allow ourselves to feel. Feel love, feel patience, feel forgiven, etc.)

I loved church today! It was so amazing and I received several answers, which is always the best! :)

Now, I am so nervous and excited for the fireside tonight!! We had choir practice at 2:30p today and we TOTALLY NAILED the song that has been the most tricky, so I am so excited!! It is going to be so fun! And so full of music and messages of the birth of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for this opportunity, but it has been very stressful. I am so thankful for my friend (and choir pianist) Julia for all of her help. ALSO! I have always been very grateful towards those in charge of putting on concerts and firesides and things, and now I am 1000% more grateful and I totally understand all the things that they go through now. Like, I had an idea, but honestly, I had NO IDEA.

So grateful for this Christmas season! I'm grateful for #LightTheWorld and the opportunities for love and service that I have to share my love and to serve those around me. Hope you have a non-stressful and very pleasant week! I'll post how the Fireside goes later in a new post! Happy Sunday!

Xoxo
Mattie