Purposeful change.

I can't believe this is the last week of August!! Where has the time gone?? There are 120 days left til Christmas–that's four months!! I still feel like we just finished January!

I'm starting to get really excited for this week at work! I'm hoping to make some Gak today that the kiddos will be able to make shapes out of. I want to color it different colors (because our theme is shapes and colors) but somehow we only have green food coloring, and I used that for a different activity last week, so I don't want them to have just green things hahaha–there are more colors than that! So we'll see! Maybe I'll make my own food coloring somehow! (Just kidding...I looked it up and it's waaaay more complicated than I thought it would be!). I am really grateful for my job! And I am grateful for my kiddos and for their willingness to give me a chance. One of my kiddos has never called me Miss Mattie before this week–he has only ever called me Teacher, and I almost cried when he called me Miss Mattie! I sure hope that I am changing these kids' lives, because they are definitely changing mine!

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I went to the temple yesterday and I had such a wonderful time. I often go in with a question or thought to ponder, but yesterday I didn't and I just felt so much peace. When I was sitting in the celestial room, I was trying to ponder some questions I thought of while sitting there but all I felt was peace, and that I didn't need to worry right now. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to live near so many temples and I am grateful for the love that I feel from my Heavenly Father every time I am near.

Every day this week, I've been listening to conference talks, and I took note of some of my favorite things that were said. I'd like to share two quotes that I loved from Sister Michelle Craig's talk "Divine Discontent":

• "Being more does not equate with doing more." 
• "Divine discontent leads to humility."

I remember specifically loving these quotes when I first heard them in conference as well, and I thought about why these quotes specifically stick out to me. 

I think that that first quote really stands out to me because sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough–I feel like I am not good enough. So I try to do more things...but honestly, that does nothing, just like the quote says. I need to be content with the efforts that I am making and recognize that they are good enough! And they are helping me be enough. The efforts that I make to try and be more like Christ, and to help those around me, are perfect for me. They are perfect in helping me grow, and in helping those around me. Because when I am working with Christ, my efforts are perfected. 

As for the second quote, Sister Craig goes on to say that, "Discontent becomes divine when we humbly approach Jesus Christ with our want, rather than hold back in self-pity." 

Heavenly Father will multiply our efforts to be enough. There have been many times where I did something so small and simple and was even slightly embarrassed to have done it, but later was informed that it had meant so much to a friend and that they really appreciated it. 

As I turn to my Savior, humbly pleading for His help and guidance, I will be able to rise above and have divine discontent. I will be able to accept that I am not enough by myself, but that with Him, I am. 

I am grateful for the experiences that I have had this week! I had a conversation with a friend the other night that was very humbling, and made me realize a lot of things. I am trying to work very hard on owning my feelings, and realizing that I have a choice as to how I feel. It's hard work to change my feelings, especially when they feel so ingrained in me, but I know that with His help, I can do it. For were there not many people in the Book of Mormon who hardened their hearts, but later repented and turned to the Lord? (Not that my heart is hardened–just trying to show that it's not impossible to change your feelings). 

As I look back over the last few months, and my time at work, I can see how my feelings towards certain things have changed by accident–just through living life. How much more can my feelings towards things change if I turn to the Lord and purposefully try to change my feelings? I hope that it's a lot! Purposeful change, to me, is more personal and sweet because it shows that I am making the choices to change. They are not just happening to me, I am choosing them.

Grateful for a God who lets me see my flaws and know what things I need to change! I'm also grateful that He is very much aware and involved in how, when, and what I need to change! I'm so thankful that the Most Divine Being in the universe allows me to change and try to be like Him! 💜

Xoxo

Mattie

You have to try, or nothing will change.

Jesus Christ suffered and died for me. He gave His LIFE for me–how can I repay Him? Honestly, I can't. All I can do is try every day to be better, and to do better. Sometimes, I fail. But I get up and try again. My friend told me recently, "It’s okay to lose sometimes! You are still amazing and faith-filled and dedicated and full of worth! Every day is an opportunity for a new victory." I loved that and thought it was beautiful. I am human, and I am imperfect. I make mistakes, and sometimes I lose. It's a great reminder that my worth is not dependent upon anything. My worth is as constant as the sea–as constant as the changing of the moon and tides. It is always there and it is a reminder of the love of my Father in Heaven.

God loves me. I can ask Him, and He will tell me. He blesses me constantly–even when I can't see it. He is aware of me, and of my struggles. I can do hard things. I have done hard things, and I will continue to do hard things. Life is always throwing curveballs at me, and I am always going to be trying to hit them out of the park. Sometimes I will fail. But as I talk with Him, and tell Him how I am feeling, I can better be aware of His light and guidance in helping me through my struggles.

Sometimes I can't do things.
But because of (and with) Him, I can.

Jesus Christ is the only one who truly understands all that I am going through. He can help me overcome the feelings and experiences that are making me feel sad, anxious, depressed, and anything in between. Those feelings might not go away completely, but He can help me fill my life and change my focus so that the ache is not as constant.

Someone said in their testimony today that if we are constantly watering a plant, we are going to drown it. The same is with God. God is always aware of me, and He will water me (give me spiritual guidance/experiences) when I need it, and He will always give me enough.

I know that life is always going to be rough. There are always going to be challenges. There are always going to be "trips to the hospital for things that turn out to be appendicitis" in life–sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. But you have to keep moving forward. You have to TRY. Or nothing will change. There is no growth in the comfort zone. There is no comfort in the growth zone. I am trying every day to be better. I know that I am not in the comfort zone because every day is hard.

I am trying to learn as I am growing but sometimes it is hard to see what I can learn from these experiences. I am trying to be patient and focus on taking things one day at a time but sometimes it is hard. Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried about the future. Sometimes my depression makes me think that there is no future, so why should I worry about what's going on in my life right now? Together, they make trusting my Heavenly Father probably the most difficult thing in the world for me right now. But I know that as I turn to Him, and put my trust in Him every day...even if I don't understand...that little by little, this puzzle that is my life will start to piece together. Because just like a puzzle, it takes time for all the pieces of my life to come together.

"I am glad that the pieces of the puzzle of my life are in God's hands. He knows exactly where and when to put them and make it complete." ~ Caroline Naoroji

Xoxo

Mattie

He does not give up on you.

You never realize just how much you have to work on changing and improving yourself until you're studying the scriptures. And spending time with people. No one on earth is perfect. We all have weaknesses and make mistakes. We all have times where we struggle. But with Him, we can overcome. With Him, we can start again. And again. And again. With Him, we can keep trying. Though we will never be perfect in this life, we can align ourselves on the path with which we can someday become perfect through Christ. He will be with us every step of the way, and He won't let us fall.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to perform in sacrament meeting today! I'm grateful for Carrie and Megan, who agreed to perform with me and accompany me. They really helped make the experience amazing. I wasn't really super nervous until right before we were performing but it went amazingly and surprisingly well! I'm grateful for the message of "A Child's Prayer" and for the love that is so evident in the song. I'm grateful for the Spirit, and for the love that He helps us feel, and for the answers He helps us receive, and for the comfort and assurances that He gives.

I have had a really great week and weekend. I have learned a lot from my scripture study, and from talking and experiencing life with my friends. I've learned that I need to start being grateful for things that I do, and have, and not stress so much about things that I don't, and don't have. I learned that I can do amazing things and that I am stronger than I think I am. I learned that I am doing good things, but I can be doing better. I learned that there is moderation in all things, including emotions, which is something that I'd never thought about before, but RD (my therapist) brought it up on Friday and I really loved that. I learned that I need to re-evaluate my priorities in life and that I need to look past the surface, and focus on the essence. I need to take the little pieces, and use them to make something bigger, and brighter, and more beautiful. I learned that I am beginning to see myself differently, and on the whole, it's a good different. I learned that there is more to me than what I think, and I learned that there is more to life than what I think.

With Him we can. :)

Today is Palm Sunday, the day Jesus entered Jerusalem before His great sacrifice for us. Easter is next Sunday! I'm so excited! I'm going home (again. Wow, I have gone home so much this semester) and am hoping that I will be done with most of my homework by that time so I can rest and relax. We'll see how this week goes. :)

Sacrament meeting was AMAZING and I definitely needed it today! Before I get into that, though, here are my thoughts from during the sacrament.

Some day, life will make sense. I am counting on that day. Right now, however, nothing makes sense, and I struggle all the time, as we all do. Lately, it's been really hard to be positive and optimistic and happy. Mainly because it's the end of the semester and I have a LOT of things to do, but there are other suspicious factors, too. Anyway, it's just been really hard to look on the bright side of things, and I want to wallow all the time, but I don't have time for that right now. I am really grateful for my Savior. I don't deserve all of the second (and third) chances that I get, yet He give them still. If that's not love, what is? I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, who sent His Only Begotten to die for us. I've been struggling with some things a little bit lately, but how can I fail with my Heavenly Father and Savior's love and help? 

Speaking of struggling, guess what the topic in sacrament meeting today was? If you couldn't guess (you probably couldn't), it was about attitude, adversity, and trials, and how to get through/overcome them. It was a blessing! I really needed it today. :)

So, some of my favorite things that were said were:

• When we face adversity, we forget about all the great things going on in our life.
• Don't try to change the things that you can't control.
• We are free to choose joy.
• We need to realize that we have EVERYTHING that we need to be happy in that moment.
• Adversity has a purpose–to help us grow and change.
• God will be with us. We should not be afraid. We are not alone.
• The only thing we can control is ourself, and our actions. 
• We need to trust that God sees the whole picture.
• He shows us our weaknesses so that we can work on them.
• We need to have a good attitude. Yes, sometimes it's hard. But we need to "Hold on to the hope that there are good things in the world," and realize that "Even darkness must pass."

In Relief Society, we talked about visiting teaching, and one of my favorite things that was said was that Heavenly Father uses other people to remind us that He loves us. My last favorite thing was that we're all trying to go to the same place; we need to lift each other up.

Don't forget that God is with you. With Him, you can do anything. That reminds me of two things: one is this scripture that we talked about in Sunday School. It's the Joseph Smith Translation of Matthew 19:26, and it says, "But Jesus beheld their thoughts, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but if they will forsake all things for my sake, with God whatsoever things I speak are possible." The bolded parts are the parts that are changed/clarified from the Joseph Smith Translation. I loved this verse when we read it in class. And this reminded me of the song, "With Him We Can", which you can find here. It's a beautiful song that talks about how with God, we can do things that we never thought possible.

I'm so grateful for my ward! I love the people I've met, and I cherish the friendships I've made. God knew exactly what He was doing when He put these people in my life. I love them all so much and I wouldn't change anything! I'm grateful for my family, and for my friends. I'm grateful that I have so many people to depend on and turn to. I'm grateful for my Savior, and for all He's done for me, and I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father, who knows exactly what I need to grow and be better. I'm still working on it, and He's right there with me. I hope you have a peaceful Sabbath and a wonderful week!

Xoxo

Mattie

With Him, we can.

Normally on Sundays I reflect on the things I learned in church that day (which I might end up doing later). But right now I want to talk about something that I've kind of recently come to really understand.

It doesn't matter what others think about you. I know, I know–you care about people because they're important to you, and you want to know what they think about you. But, in the end, it really doesn't matter. They will never be able to fully understand you.

They don't know your story.

They may know some things, but it's hard to understand things that you yourself haven't been through. And sometimes there are just some things you might not want to talk about. They don't know the nights you cried because you felt lost and unloved. They don't know that your mother's aunt tried to commit suicide. They don't know the time your little brother disappeared and your whole family thought that he ran away and your mother was crying and you hated your little brother in that moment for making your mom cry. (Side note: I feel like I should make it known that none of these things happened to me specifically. I think I found most of these instances in books I read or heard about)

They don't know those things. They don't know why you do what you do. They don't know everything that makes you you.

The only person who knows your story exactly as you've experienced it is Jesus Christ–who's lived your story personally so that He could be able to help you through it, if you let Him.

He suffered for your pains, your sicknesses, your infirmities, your griefs, anything emotional, physical, or mental that you have/had to deal with, your temptations, and also for your sins. He suffered for EVERYTHING that you have experienced, and everything that you will ever experience.

He loves you SO MUCH that He wanted to be able to be there for you whenever you need Him. He wanted you to be able to turn to Him for anything and everything that you struggle with. You struggle with being patient? He's there to help you. You struggle with loving yourself? He's there to help you. You struggle with believing in Him?  He is there for you!

There is nothing that you have gone through that He has not experienced. He experienced everything so that He could help you. He walked alone so that you don't have to.

In sacrament meeting today, two of my friends performed the song "The Miracle" (which can be found here), and I love that song so much! Hearing them sing it made me cry because I could feel the Spirit, and it was just so beautiful and I felt like there was a message in it for me specifically. One of my favorite lines is, "But I know this: of all His miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that rescues me." He loves you, and wants you to be able to live with our Heavenly Father again, and so He atoned and died for you so that that could happen.

"It is never too late so long as the Master of the vineyard says there is time," (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "It Is Never Too Late," April 2012).

Today has been a great day, full of messages that I needed to hear and think about. I am so grateful for my Savior, and for the love that He had for me, and for all of us, and for His sacrifice in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary. His Atonement has helped me, has healed me, and has given me peace. I know that I am never alone, and with Him, I can get through anything. I had a super hard trial a couple of years ago, and I am still feeling its aftereffects, but I got through it with Him. I wasn't alone. That's such a blessing and comfort to me. And, because of that experience, I know that I can do hard things. I know that life is hard, and that sometimes there are things that happen that just put you so far out there that you don't think that you can return, but with Him, we can (that is also the title of a song that I love. It can be found here). He will never leave you alone. He will always be there to aid you. This I know, and bear testimony of in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

You can do it.

I know life is hard. I really, truly do. But that does not mean that we can give up. God will not give us anything we cannot handle. If He has given it to you, that means that you can do it. If you feel like you are alone, don't feel like that! There is one person who knows exactly how you feel, and His name is Jesus Christ. Heavenly Father will not give you trials, and then stand back and watch you slip, and fall, and stumble. He will be by your side every step of the way. He loves you. He won't let you fall. He won't let you fail. He won't let you down. So, stand up. Brush off your knees. Hold your head up high. And walk proudly. You are a son or daughter of a King. Not only is He a God, He is King of the Heavens. Of all His creations, we are His pride and joy. He made you, and He loves you. And don't you forget it. <3

He is There.

This is different from what I normally write, but I feel like it is something I should write.

So I know sometimes we all go through really bad experiences and we want them to go away, and sometimes people get so depressed and want to (or do) commit suicide, and that makes me sad, and so I decided to write a poem about it (and some music for the poem that I might post later). I've never been depressed, but I've been in a really deep and dark place, and I thought I couldn't get out, but I turned to my Savior and now I know that there is hope--I know sometimes it's hard to believe, but I know it--I didn't think so at first, but there is hope! And there isn't anything we can't do if we have Christ with us because with God, all things are possible.

He is There by Mattie Radke

Sadness swirls within me;

I cannot see the light ahead.

I stumble through the darkness, trying not to fall;

I fail, and fall miserably--deep, deep, and down. 

I try to get up, but I'm so lost--I can't tell up from down. 

I start to cry--am I alone? I feel like I am. 

Suddenly, I hear it. It's small, but it's there. 

A teeny, tiny voice, saying, "It's all right--I'm here."

I sob because I cannot find the source. 

I stand where I am and sob and sob. 

I begin to walk, because I can't sit still. 

I hear the voice again. It's gotten a little stronger. 

"It's all right," He says. "I'm here for you," He says. 

I don't believe Him. I can't seem to find or see Him. 

"I'm here," He insists gently. 

My sobs quiet down to gentle cries. 

I think I see a tiny light. 

Now it's a little bigger. 

"I said I was here, didn't I?" He says. 

I turn around. 

There He is. 

My Savior. 

He's holding out His hand for me to take. 

I begin to cry again and slowly walk towards Him. 

I take His hand, and together we walk towards the light. 

I did not know where I was; I still do not. 

But He knew. 

He was watching out for me the whole time. 

I know sometimes it's hard to believe, but it's true:

Jesus Christ loves and is watching out for YOU.

So, I want you to know that I am so, so thankful for Jesus Christ because He still loves me. I did something so, SO awful (for me) and He still loves me. I want you to know that when I say you can do it with Him, I mean it. With Him, we can! Please, please, don't try to do it by yourself, because--speaking from experience--it doesn't work. Please turn to Him--He is waiting for you, watching you, and looking out for you. He loves you very, very much, and I do, too, so please, please, please turn to Him. Also, the LDS church released a video about suicide prevention, and it is a good video. You can find the link here.

With Him we can.

Whew! First week of school is over!! I can't believe I am a senior. I sincerely hope that the homework load isn't all that heavy this year, but if it is, I know that, with The Lord's help, I can do it!! Just like in the song by Mercy River, "With Him We Can" (which you should most definitely look up—do it! Go! Look it up...now!), with His help, we can do it. We can get through this trial. We can do this homework. We can pass this test. We can make our dreams come true. Because our Heavenly Father loves us, He wants to do everything He can to make us happy—He wants us to be happy. And, with Him, we can.