Tiny green sprouts.

This week has been a busy week!

First, my brother was set apart as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was dropped off at the MTC this week. That was an exciting moment but also an emotional one. I am so proud of him and can't wait to hear all about his adventures.

Next, not only did I have my 23rd birthday, but I also went to see the Midway Ice Castles, went wedding dress shopping twice, and found my dress! I found THE ONE! I feel so beautiful in it and I am so happy!!

The wedding planning is coming along nicely. I'm less stressed now that I have my wedding dress! That was probably the most stressful part, and now all I have left to do is alterations!

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father, and for His love and mercy. I am grateful for all the second chances He gives me over and over again. I am grateful for His Son, Jesus Christ, and for the sacrifice that He made for me so that I can live with my Father in Heaven again someday.

I am so thankful for my sweetheart, Ricky. He is like our Heavenly Father in that he gives me so much love, mercy, and second chances. He is so respectful, honors his priesthood, and he loves me wholly. I am so grateful for his sacrifices for me, and for all that he does for me. I am so excited for our wedding in May and can't wait to begin our life together! (P.S. If you would like an announcement, please fill out this link here)

I am looking forward to this week. I am sad because I will be leaving the daycare, but I am excited to be moving forward in my life. I have a few potential jobs right now and I am hoping to be able to have more time to do wedding stuff. I know that God is blessing my life right now, and I know that this is what He wants for me at this time. I am moving forward with faith and hope that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to.

I love my Heavenly Father and am so grateful for His hand in my life. Sometimes it seems like things are going to work out, and then they crash and burn, but amidst the rubble, there is a tiny green sprout that ends up working out instead.

I've had many moments in my life where I thought things were going to work out, but then they crashed and burned. But I've been able to recognize the tiny green sprouts in my life. I've been able to recognize the blessings, and I am so thankful for those tiny green sprouts. They have grown into the most beautiful garden.

I thank God every day that I have so many blessings. I am grateful for my family, my friends–all of my loved ones who have blessed my life in many ways. Some of them have been my tiny green sprouts–the tender mercies in my life. They have helped me grow and learn, and I am so thankful for them. 

I hope you have a wonderful week! I hope that your Sunday has been very relaxing and peaceful. God loves you so much, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Sometimes our physical adventures can lead to spiritual adventures.

I am so blessed and grateful for modern-day medicine! Here's an update on what could be considered one of the craziest weeks–if not THE craziest week of my entire 22-year existence.

The moments that change our lives are random and unforeseen. However, it is up to us on how they change us. An experience like the one I am currently going through–having appendicitis and being confined to my house–could break me. If I let it. But it can also make me stronger. Which is what I am trying to get it to do. I am trying to learn and grow from it. And I am trying not to let it break me.

Tuesday night (May 21st, 2019) I went to bed around 11:30/11:45pm after doing my homework because my stomach had started bothering me, and I thought that a night of sleep would help me recuperate. I woke up at 2:10am with the pain about the same or worse. I woke up my parents, and after about 45 minutes of the pain being the same or worse, my dad took me to the emergency room at the hospital around 3:15am. They drew my blood for some tests, and took a CT scan, and when the doctor came in around 5:30am, he said it was a good thing I listened to my body because I had early appendicitis. They gave me some morphine to help with the pain, and eventually they gave me a little bit of oxygen because the morphine caused my body to slow down so much, the machine kept thinking that I had stopped breathing. 🤣

May 22nd, 2019 - Me with my best friend oxygen

They moved me to a pre-op room upstairs, where I waited for surgery. Surgery kept getting pushed back because they already had a bunch of scheduled surgeries and I was just going to be fit into whatever time they could fit me in (during this time, I met a super cute nurse who had recently gotten back from his mission early and he was hoping to be able to go back soon but wasn't sure if he would. I think I told him it will all work out, but I was so sleepy and drugged up that I can't remember 🤣). By the time I got taken up for surgery, it was probably 10:30/10:45am and I had been at the hospital for about 7 hours. I don't remember anything after they helped me get up on the operating table. When I woke up in post-op, I had a really hard time keeping my eyes opened. They wouldn't let me leave until I could keep down some water and I could walk around a bit. I finally got home around 2pm and just crashed. My doctor said that I couldn't go to work for about five days, so I made sure that I got my shifts covered for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and I let my professors know I wouldn't be in class Wednesday-Friday. 

Everyone has been SO kind, thoughtful, caring, and loving as I have been recovering! I really appreciate all the love and well-wishes! I am very grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven. He has sent me quite a few angels at this time in my life–and I am so grateful for their love and well-wishes. I appreciate those who have been praying for me, and for those who have sent me sweet messages and even get-well baskets. I am so thankful that I only had to miss three days of school and work, since Monday is Memorial Day and everything is closed/canceled that day anyway. I am so thankful for all of the time that I have had to rest and heal my body. I am feeling a lot better today than I have been the past few days, and even though I am going back to work and school on Tuesday, I am not going to be 100% yet for probably quite a few more days at the very least. 

I am grateful for the reminder that I am not alone, and that my Savior is with me, and understands me. He understands the pain I have been going through, and the suffering. Jesus suffered SO MUCH. He bled from every pore. He was whipped, hit upon, spit upon, and had a crown of thorns placed upon His head. He carried His cross up the hill to Calvary upon His back that had open wounds from being whipped and beaten. He had nails pounded into His wrists, His palms, and His feet. He died of a broken heart. He suffered for all the pains, sorrows, sins, afflictions, and temptations of the world. He suffered for you. He suffered for me. I am so thankful that I have had my Savior to turn to and to depend on in my times of need. 

In the April 2016 General Conference, then-President Uchtdorf said, "If a man can take the ruins, rubble, and remains of a broken city and rebuild an awe-inspiring structure that rises toward the heavens, how much more capable is our Almighty Father to restore His children who have fallen, struggled, or become lost? It matters not now how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trusted, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt...there is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored." 

I love this quote. It reminds me of 9 years ago, this December, when the Provo Tabernacle caught on fire, and ten months later in General Conference President Monson said that we would use the Tabernacle to make another holy temple for the Lord. That is what the Lord does with us. He takes us in our brokenness and helps us to lay a new foundation–one that can help us become more of a holy temple for the Lord.

In Luke 15, Jesus gives the parable of the lost sheep, the piece of silver, and the prodigal son. Now, if you know these stories, you might be questioning how they apply to my experience this week. I'll explain. 

Luke 15:4-5 says, "4 What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? 5 And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." 

In this parable, we are the sheep. Jesus is our Shepherd, and when we lose our way, we become the lost sheep. Now, this week, I didn't necessarily become 'lost' in the typical way we think of. I didn't stray off the path. I didn't fall away. But I did 'lose myself'. I had appendicitis. I had to go to the hospital. I had to take medicine that didn't always help me think clearly. I've been sleeping off and on for five days. I've had previous engagements that I had to cancel because I've been sick and recuperating. I kind of 'fell away' from the world for a bit. I've been homebound. I've felt alone, and lost. But my Savior has known where I have been the whole time. He has sent me angels, friends, ministers, and my family to 'find me'. To pick me up. To lead me home.

Luke 15:8-9 says, "8 Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it? 9 And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost."

In this parable, we are the pieces of silver. Jesus is the woman, and when we are lost, He does not stop searching till He finds us. In my pain this week, and in my sleeping it off, I might have become a little lost. I might have forgotten who I am. Whose I am. I might have forgotten that I have a loving Father in Heaven who cares for me. But He never forgot about me.

Luke 15:11-32 is a lot longer, so a few of my favorite scriptures from this parable are: "18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. 20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. 21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in they sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. 22 But the father said to his servants, Bring froth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet... 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry."

In this parable, we are the lost son. The prodigal son. I have heard that this parable should be called the parable of the prodigal sonS plural because even the son who stayed at home was also technically a prodigal son. Anyway, that is not the point of this parable in regards to my week. In regards to my week, I approached my dad and asked for help, much like the prodigal son who left. And my dad took me to the hospital, and gave me a blessing, and helped me get through this experience. 

One thing that I love about all of the parables that Jesus shares is how applicable they are to EVERYTHING. Until I was writing this, I never would have thought that I could apply the parables of the lost sheep, piece of silver, and son to an experience with appendicitis. But I can. And I did. And there is a lot more in our lives that we can apply these parables to.

I am grateful for my Father in Heaven, and for His love and support. I am grateful for my father on earth, who not only gave me a wonderful blessing last week right before my surgery, but a few weeks ago when I was struggling with school and life in general. I am grateful that I know that I am not lost to Him. I am grateful that I know that I am always within His sights. And I am grateful that I know that He loves me always, and has the greatest of plans for me.

Xoxo
Mattie

It's okay to not be okay.

I learned a lot this week about how to know the Lord's will for me, and how to understand His plan for me. I read a talk by Sister Ann C. Pingree that I really liked.

She starts out by saying that becoming an instrument in the hands of God is a privilege and sacred responsibility. We have to take the time to become an instrument in His hands. It isn't something that just happens. We have to work towards it. But we can know what Heavenly Father wants us to do! I really love and know this. There have been times where I have been able to be an instrument in His hands, and I knew that I was being an instrument, and it is such a sweet and special experience. 

She goes on to talk about how the only possession that is truly ours to give to the Lord is our will. Anything else we 'give' has been given or loaned to us by Him. But our will is the only thing that we can truly give to Him. I think this is so interesting and sweet. Of all the things on this earth that we give to Him...the only thing we can truly give to Him...is ourselves. Our will to do His will. That's what we can give to Him. And because of our agency...it truly is ours to give.

No one can make our relationship with God grow except us. I am the only one who can make my relationship with Him grow. Sure, other people can influence me, and bless me, and help my testimony grow...but only I can increase the intimate nature of my relationship with God. Only I can decide to have faith in Him. Only I can decide that I want to take time to go to the temple to find an answer, or to receive peace, or to feel His love. Only I can decide to study my scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, any notes I have from spiritual experiences...only I can decide to try to interpret them, and to use them to better myself, and to bless the lives of those around me. 

As I focus on my relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. Sometimes it's hard to not worry about other parts of my life–I have a lot of things going on in my life right now–but in the past couple of weeks, when I have focused on my relationship with Him, everything else has fallen into place, and everything else has run smoothly.

In the midst of learning about the Lord's will for me, I also had a few exhausting moments...a few trials that took a little bit out of me. But I was really listening to the testimonies that were given today...and to the lesson in Sunday School...and I didn't exactly get an explicit answer...but I got a direction. I got reassurance. I got a reminder.

I am a daughter of a King. A daughter of the Most Divine Being. My Heavenly Father loves me so much. My Heavenly Parents have a plan for me, and I am loved so deeply by Them. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can't ever do anything to not deserve it. I am loved just because I am His.

I am here to do a work. I am not always entirely sure what that work is...but it's okay to not know, and it's okay to have doubts and worries. This life isn't meant to be perfect, but it's meant to help me come closer to Him, and to become more like Him.

This week...there have been times that I was not okay. There were times that I felt forgotten. But as I was sitting in Sunday School, I wrote, "I know that I am not forgotten. I know that I am important, and loved, and I know that I don't need to be around people in order to feel happy or loved. So why do I feel like this sometimes??" I don't know. I don't know why sometimes I feel unloved, forgotten, and sad. I don't know. I don't know how else to tackle this problem. I'm doing what I can, you know? I am taking medication, I am talking with a therapist, I am praying, I am trying to eat better, sleep better...I am doing what I can...but sometimes it's more than I can handle. And that's okay. You know, that's okay. Because it's okay not to be okay.

What I do know is this: I am broken, but I am also beautiful. God is helping me grow. He is taking my broken pieces and putting them back together. He is helping me become someone better than I am. He is taking me and rebuilding me. Sometimes...sometimes He has to break me in order to rebuild me. Sometimes I have to go through really difficult things in order to get back to where I need to be. Sometimes I need a reminder of who I am. Sometimes I need a reminder of whose I am.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father,

who loves me, and I love Him.

I will "stand as [a witness] of God 

at all times, and in all things, and in all places"

as I strive to live the 

Young Women values, which are:

• Faith • Divine Nature 

• Individual Worth • Knowledge 

• Choice and Accountability

• Good Works • Integrity 

• Virtue

I believe as I come to accept and act 

upon these values, I will be prepared to 

strengthen home and family,

make and keep sacred covenants, 

receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Sometimes I'm not okay. And that's okay. In those moments...I turn to my Father in Heaven. Because He is always there for me. Even if I might not be able to feel Him in that moment...I know that He is comforting me. I know that He is blessing me. I know He is proud of me for going through the temple, and for continuing to go back to bless the lives of my ancestors. I know He is proud of me for going to college, and for having and making plans to do something that I love. I know that He is proud of me for using my talents to bless the lives of those around me...even if I don't always see it or feel like I am doing anything extraordinary.

2 Nephi 4: 4: "For the Lord God hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; and inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence."

This is my scripture this week. I love this one! It's so simple! As long as I keep the commandments...I will prosper. As long as I love God, and love my neighbor like myself...life will be good.

I love you! Heavenly Father loves you, too! I hope you have a wonderful week! Remember that you are a child of God and He has such amazing plans for you!

Xoxo
Mattie

From ashes to beauty.

I had a few questions that were answered in church today. The first was answered when we were singing the sacrament hymn, but I didn't fully realize it until afterwards when I was reflecting on the words of the hymn:

The sacrament hymn today was "Reverently and Meekly Now", which is one of my favorites. One line in particular stood out to me today as I've been sitting here pondering. "E'en forgiven now by me." This song is sung from the point of view of the Savior, and I desperately needed that message today from Him. It brought peace to my heart and I'm grateful that that specific hymn was chosen today, for I needed its message: "Oh forgive, as thou wouldst be E'en forgiven now by me." Forgiving yourself is really hard, harder than forgiving others, sometimes. But because Christ has forgiven me, I can forgive myself, and start over and try again.

One of the other questions was answered in Gospel Doctrine, and it was a reminder piece of advice that I love. We still get credit for trying. Another thing that was said in class today was that "There is value in doing things, even if you don't reach your goal." Piggybacking off of that a little, I had this thought: sometimes we are asked to (prepare to) go through things, and sometimes we don't end up doing those things because God wanted to see how far we were willing to go. And, sometimes we only needed to go down the path to it, and we didn't need to do it. It's a test of our faith, and our trust in Him.

In Relief Society, we talked about President Monson's talk from the October 2013 General Conference entitled, "I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee". We talked about the Provo Tabernacle fire, that happened in December of 2010, and how the Tabernacle was rebuilt into the Provo City Center Temple. We talked about how it was gutted, and everything inside was burned and gone, but then it was rebuilt to be the new beautiful City Center Temple. This was sort of used as an analogy for us–sometimes we go through fires and trials that burn us because they're meant to help us rebuild who we are, and change who we are to become someone better. We go from ashes to beauty. I've seen that in my life. I've gone through a whole bunch of trials that have burned me, and torn me down, and they hurt, but I've changed because of them, and I've grown. I'm stronger, and more confident. I loved this quote from President Monson's talk: "We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were–better than we were, more understanding than what we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had." We talked about how God will bless us in His own time, which is true, but do we believe that He will? Do we choose Him above all else? Do we thank Him for loving us enough to cut us down? For allowing us to change and grow? He knows what we need to do/be, and He knows how to get us there.

My home teachers came today, and they talked about enduring our trials well, and how one of the blessings of enduring our trials well is that other people will be more comfortable around us, because we'll be happier. And I said, basically, that even though I've kind of been having trouble feeling the Spirit lately, I have still been able to look back and see Heavenly Father's hand in my life. I've still been able to see the blessings He's sent me as I've been going through some trials. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that I can still see His blessings. I'm grateful that I can still feel Him.

Xoxo
Mattie

Provo City Center Temple Dedication

So, today was the Provo City Center Temple Dedication!! It's such a beautiful temple, and I'm so excited that it is now dedicated! I hope to be able to do baptisms for the dead in it sometime soon!

I was able to watch the final dedicatory session in the Marriott Center with my friends. It was so special! I could really feel the spirit and I heard several things that I needed to hear. I'm going to share some of my favorite things that were said (some of them...actually, most of them are paraphrased).

-We are empowered when we come to the temple.
-The Savior will never give up on us.
-This temple is a reminder of the Atonement of Christ.
-There is always hope.
-Even when we fall, though the Atonement, the hands of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are extended towards us still.
-No matter the problem or difficulty we face, as we press forward, beautiful things will come through.
-We are His masterpieces. 
-He is so very patient with us.
-We do not overcome our weaknesses at once. Sometimes it takes years. 
-Faith and patience are keys to becoming and overcoming.
-From ashes to beauty.
-Every member is precious.

I was so blessed to be able to attend the dedication!! I was reminded that overcoming weaknesses takes time, and I have to have faith in the Lord (and in myself), and I have to be patient. That is sometimes a struggle for me, but I am working on it. I was also reminded that my Savior won't ever give up on me. Even if I give up on myself, He won't give up on me. I am so grateful for this new temple, and for the wonderful symbolism in its story–from ashes to beauty. This is so true for some of the trials that we have to go through. I know that it is definitely true for my biggest trial, and I am still being reworked into the person that God needs me to be. But I know that He knows what He is doing, and so I am putting my trust in Him.

Oh! I almost forgot that I wrote down some of my thoughts as we were waiting for the dedication to start:
"We're waiting for the dedication to start. I'm so excited!! Friday and Saturday were kinda rough days, for multiple reasons, but sitting here, in the Marriott Center, which is an extension of the temple [right now], and listening to the prelude music, I am feeling love, peace, and gratitude. I feel better than I have all weekend. I don't feel rushed or worried. Just peace and love."

It was so special. I'm so glad I got to go. <3