God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie

His Love is More.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to attend Relief Society today. I'm reminded of two weeks ago when I almost didn't go because I wasn't feeling the best after sacrament meeting, but when I saw it was Relief Society, the Spirit whispered, "Stay." So I did. And how grateful I am. We discussed President Nelson's talk from General Conference "Overcome the World and Find Rest", and what a blessing the discussion was. For some, the holiday season can be tiring and stressful. Our discussion was enlightening and I received several answers and personal revelation. I am so, so grateful for Relief Society, and for the wonderful bond of sisterhood that I have been able to experience in the wards that I have resided in.

My expectation is not always His execution.

Even though it is difficult to talk about at times, I am grateful to be able to share my experience with infertility. I have been able to connect with those of my friends who have experienced the same or similar situations, and it has been helpful for me to be able to discuss my feelings with someone who knows what I am going through. 

It has been hard, at times, to keep my chin up. Knowing that we are doing all we can, and just waiting on the Lord's timing, can be quite frustrating, especially when I look around and see so many people who are expecting–or have just had–a baby. It's just another reminder of what I desire, and what I am unable to have at this time. It is dispiriting to not know why it isn't happening for us right now. 

However, I have been able to find comfort in the scriptures, and in messages from prophets, apostles, and other general authorities of the Church. I am so grateful for the experiences of the Lord's people in the scriptures, for the comfort and peace that I can receive as I study and learn from their lives.

Knowing that I share the same challenges as Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, and Elkanah and Hannah, to name a few, is comforting. To know that God included these stories in the scriptures for me to learn from and understand, is heartening. To know that these faithful women were still faithful throughout their trials as they waited upon the Lord, is inspiring. To know that, as I continue to be faithful, and continue to find joy in my life, as these women did in theirs, that I will be at peace as I wait upon the Lord, is uplifting.

While there are moments, periods of time, days, even, that are more difficult than others, I remember the promise of the Lord. I remember that, as I am faithful, and continue to do as He has asked me, I will be blessed. Whether in this life or the next. As hard as it is to understand why it's not happening now, the assurance that He will provide me with the blessings He has promised keeps me going.

Last week, I was watching a video that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints produced in a video series they call "Hope Works". This video, entitled "Embrace the Hit: My Darkest Hour", really resonated with me. Something she said struck home with me: 

"This collision was beyond a forcible wave that crashes over you. It felt like I was paddling in the deepest ocean, and I was slowly drowning. And during those weeks, I felt the impact of how much hope can hurt. It can be exhausting to want something good and not know why it can't be what you know or what you thought it should be right now.  ...the more demanding the trial, the larger your capacity grows in the opposite direction for joy."

I had yet to find a description of how I have been feeling about our journey with infertility and how hard it is to hold out hope every month. Then, during this video, she said exactly what I have been feeling, and I couldn't help but be grateful for my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. This video message was just what I needed to remind me that I am not alone in my trials, and I am not forgotten.

Right now, this is my darkest hour. Each time where I have been hopeful, only for that test to be negative, has been excruciatingly painful. But the most painful one by far was when the test was positive, but the following test a few days later was negative. That was heart-wrenching; I felt like my body was failing me. It has taken time for me to understand that it is not failing me in the sense that I thought it was. 

What gives me hope is that I know that God has a plan for me. I know that He has communicated with me about the expansion of our family, and I am doing my best to follow Him. I am coming to understand that, while He has communicated with me about our family, my expectation is not always His execution. However, knowing that He is walking with me every step of the way, and guiding me through it, is reassuring. As I am following His light, and studying His words, I am healing–slowly but surely.

What gives me hope is that we are learning more about my personal journey and experience with PCOS, and that that is part of what God is wanting me to learn at this time. I am coming to understand that this is part of His plan for me. While much of life is uncertain, one thing I know is that I am not alone. Not only is God with me, I have a loving support system of family and friends who are there for me, too.

Xoxo

Mattie

Doing my best–one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I have been pondering whether or not to share this experience, but ultimately, I decided that it would help me to talk about it, even though I am still experiencing feelings of sadness and heartache about it, and I felt that it was important for people to know that it is okay to talk about these things.

Earlier this month, I experienced what I have come to understand is known as "a chemical pregnancy". According to the Cleveland Clinic, "A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that happens within the first five weeks of pregnancy. An embryo forms and may even embed in your uterus lining (implantation), but then it stops developing. Chemical pregnancies occur so early that many people who miscarry don’t realize it."

The only reason that I knew that I had a chemical pregnancy was because I have PCOS, and in order for me to ensure that I am taking the medication I need at the proper times, I need to be monitored frequently throughout my cycle. 

So, on July 15, I went into my doctor's office and had my blood drawn so they could do a pregnancy test. I later received a call that said that the test was positive, and that they were cautiously optimistic, but I should go back on Monday to ensure that my hCG levels were increasing as they are supposed to. I went back on Monday for them to draw my blood again, but when they called back, they said that my levels had decreased, and I was no longer pregnant. This resulted in my experiencing a miscarriage.

It was very unexpected, and I had a really hard time with the results that day. I ended up crying for a portion of time after the phone call. I was devastated throughout the rest of the week. It is so weird to me that tomorrow it will be two weeks since that phone call. It seems like a lifetime ago. 

I have been very lucky to have a village of love and support behind me as I have gone and am going through this experience. I am so thankful for those who have sent me well wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate every single one of you.

I am comforted by the stories of Abraham and Sarah, as well as Hannah in the Old Testament, which we are studying this year. While I do not expect to be exactly like Sarah and become pregnant at 99 years old, I am comforted that the Lord keeps His promises. As I am currently like Hannah, in that I am longing for a blessing I have yet to receive, I am comforted that as I continue to do my part, the Lord will bless me. 

While I hope and pray that it will be sooner, I know that it most likely won't be when I would like it to be. Though that makes me sad, I am not discouraged. I am doing my best to not only do my part, but I am doing my best to move forward. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Because that is all I can do. I am only human, and I want to be a mom, but right now, that's not in the plan. So sometimes I am sad about that. But I am doing my best to serve those around me, to study the scriptures, and speak and connect with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I am doing my best to tell my husband how I am feeling. I am doing my best. And that is all that I can do.

I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents and a Savior who are on and by my side always. I am thankful that They love and support me in everything I am doing. I am grateful that They let me know how loved I am, and how much They want me to be happy. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with Them in the temple, serving the ancestors of all on Earth. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost, who comforts me when I need it, and helps me discern promptings.

I hope you have a great week! God loves you, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Make the time.

Making the time for the things that are most important and balancing your time is really hard. Lately, that has been my biggest weakness and struggle. I always have something that I can be doing, something that I want to be doing, and something that I need to be doing. 

How can we best divide our time between all of the things that are important in our lives?

Jesus tells us, in Matthew 6 verse 33-34:

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Put God first and focus on the day you are living. That's the key.

I know, I know–it's easier said than done. Sometimes, though, you just need to have a real talk with yourself and say, "Okay, we are going to be doing this. God is going to be put first today, and then we are going to focus on what we can do today." It will definitely be difficult as you begin, but the more you put it into practice, the easier it will get.

You have to ask yourself, "What is the most important thing I can do today?" And if the answer isn't "Talk to my Heavenly Father", you might be a little too busy. Don't worry–I've definitely been there.

Sometimes I need to make a list of all the things I need to get done in a day. That's okay, it's good to write it down. But sometimes I put things on my list that don't necessarily need to be done that day. I think sometimes I am trying to get a week's worth of things done in one day, and that is definitely not healthy. 

I am trying to take it back a notch and focus more on things that I need to get done that day. I am also trying to remember that if all I get done is one thing, that is okay! There are some days that I will get a lot done, and some days where I will only get one or two things done. That is completely fine. Each day requires a different amount of effort from me, as each day, I am a different person.

This reminds me of the story in Luke 10:38-42 about Mary and Martha. It reads:

38 ¶ Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.
39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word.
40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.
41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:
42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

We have all been Mary, and we have all been Martha. Now, remember, Martha isn't doing anything bad! Cleaning and serving the Lord is good! However, Jesus is currently teaching, so the timing of Martha's service is not the best. So, again, back to making the time: Martha needed to make the time to listen to Jesus' teachings. She needed to make the time to sit down and focus on her spiritual needs.

In the end, it will not matter whether or not you cleaned your living room and kitchen. It won't matter if you made sure that any guests or neighbors were taken care of. What will matter is whether or not you learned from the Lord. Whether or not you grew closer to Him. Whether or not He can count on you to do as He commands.

Yes, He understands the need (and asks) for a house of order. Yes, He understands that He has asked you to "love thy neighbor as thyself". But He has also asked you to "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, might, mind, and strength", and that is the first great commandment. He has asked you to put Him first.

If you are not connecting with God every day, how can He prompt you to serve your neighbor? How can He prompt you to serve your friend when they need a pick-me-up? How can He use you to help His children if you are not connecting with Him every day? 

Yes, it can be difficult to make the time. Yes, the Lord understands. But He also understands that if you do what He asks, life will be a little bit easier.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Day in the Life

Squinting eyes, checking clock

Rising fast, running amok

Brush, brush, brush

Hop, hop, hop

Making lunches, checking homework

Loading car, running berserk

Rush, rush, rush

Stop, stop, stop

Squinting eyes, checking clock

Rising fast, running amok

Rush, rush, rush

Stop, stop, stop

Parking tires, checking handiwork

Loading car, running berserk

Brush, brush, brush,

Hop, hop, hop

Squinting eyes, checking clock

Retiring at last, no more running amok. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Making Time

I start my day close to the Lord

A prayer, a scripture–15 minutes I can afford

I greet my husband with a 'good morning' kiss

My children are happily in bliss

Later that day, my daughter cried

Because her pet rock Tommy died

I tried not to laugh as we buried him

But she saw me and her face turned grim

Her response was to cut her brother's hair

I took a really long time sitting in my chair

When my husband got home, the house was a mess

Dinner was cold and my children in distress

'Daddy!' they cried, and ran for a hug

I drank my cold hot chocolate mug

This day was quite a disaster, I'm afraid

But because of this morning when I prayed

I had more patience and more love

I hope my children see why I speak with God above.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I don't have children yet, but I hope this poem can show the peace that comes when we speak with the Lord and take time to hear Him. The day will still be long, and we will still feel frustrated at times, but there is just something about taking the time to speak with the Lord that calms the whole day. 

I know that Heavenly Father loves you and that He will help you as you strive to balance your life! I hope you have a great week! I have plenty of things on my to-do list this week, but I am going to focus on one at a time. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Prayers to the Father

Jesus Christ shows us throughout His entire ministry, but especially throughout His last week in mortality, of the importance of communication with our Heavenly Father. I love His relationship with Heavenly Father. That is the kind of relationship I am trying to develop with my Heavenly Father. He is always ready and willing to listen, and I love that!

From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' website about Easter week today:

The last week of Jesus Christ’s mortal ministry is filled with prayer. There are the prayers He offers on behalf of His disciples, filled with timeless words of comfort and guidance. But there are also the prayers that He encourages them to offer on their own. He knows that soon His disciples will be without Him, and so He lets them know the importance of praying, encouraging them to ask their Father in Heaven for the things they’ll need to make it through the challenges ahead. Through His words and His example, they learn that when they make the effort to pray to the Father, no matter what happens, they will never be alone.

#BecauseOfHim, I’m never alone

Jesus told His disciples He would be with them always. He’s here for you too. As you draw near to the Father in prayer, you will draw near unto Christ as well.

Prayer is a powerful way to grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily. [It's like anything else–the more you practice, the better you get.] (My thoughts)

I am so grateful for the power of prayer, and for the love and peace that I feel as I communicate with my Father in Heaven through my Savior–His Son, Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the example of Jesus on how to communicate with Heavenly Father.

I am also grateful that Heavenly Father is flexible and comes to us as we are. He knows our circumstances, which is super important because sometimes I communicate with Him in ways other than through prayer. There are times where praying the way I do at night or in the morning is just not practical. Sometimes, I am driving and can only shout out loud, "Heavenly Father, please keep me safe from the flying grill rack!" (Yes, this is a true story that did happen this week. On Monday, of all days. What a way to start the week!) But He knows me, and my surroundings, and understands that some situations call for different forms of communication with Him. And I love that He is so understanding. We are truly never alone because He is always with us.

As it is Easter time, it is supposed to be springtime, too, but that has seen a slight ice patch in the road 🤣. Spring is coming–slowly, but it is coming. I am really looking forward to the warmer weather that will most surely bring about more family walks around the neighborhoods and parks! I love walking with Ricky, but I also love seeing families out for strolls. It makes my heart happy to see. We live in such a beautiful world handcrafted by our Heavenly Father for us, I love to be out enjoying and exploring and seeing others get to experience it too!

I hope that this week has been going well for all of you. I hope and pray that all is well with you and your loved ones. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Timeless Words of Peace

Today is Holy Tuesday. Today is the day that Jesus teaches parables and discusses prophecies about Him from the scriptures and prophets. 

From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' website today:

As Jesus Christ continues to teach His followers, one thing becomes clear—Jesus has a deep knowledge and love of the scriptures. Throughout the week, Jesus often quotes the very scriptures He’s fulfilling. For those who listen, prophecies that were by then hundreds of years old become powerful and new. Suddenly, the scriptures don’t seem so ancient. With the help of Jesus Christ, they see that the word of God does not have an expiration date. No matter what era we live in, we can find peace in the powerful parallels between the scriptures and our own lives.

#BecauseOfHim, I feel peace

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. … Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” —John 14:27​

Jesus’s teachings are everywhere in the scriptures, and they can fill your life with peace. [Make time to sit and study the scriptures by yourself or with your family and friends. 

(The last sentence is my own comment.)

I am grateful for all of Jesus' teachings, and for His instruction on prophecies, parables, and other scriptures. I am grateful to have the scriptures to look to for His guidance and direction in my life. I am grateful to be able to have the Holy Ghost with me, to be able to help lead me in my life and connect with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior.

Xoxo

Mattie