God loves me anyway.

Had a wonderful time at church today! ❤️ I heard a lot of great messages–and got a lot of compliments on my dress today, so that was fun. :)

I had a lot of thoughts during the sacrament today, so bear with me as I talk about some stuff:

I've been working really hard on my scripture study and prayer these past two or three weeks, and it's been an amazing experience to see the difference in my life in the days where I did both, one or the other, or neither. I've made a lot of progress in some personal goals and I am so proud of myself! So grateful for my Savior, who has stood by me and lifted me when I was down. There is nothing more comforting than to know that He is there and He hears me. So grateful for the opportunity I had to watch the women's session of conference last night with some friends. I desperately needed that time, and the messages that were shared. I am grateful for moments of struggle–without them, I wouldn't know joy and peace; and without them (either the struggle or joy and peace), I couldn't find answers. I'm grateful to be able to feel God's love, and that He answers my prayers through people and experiences. I'm grateful that I am able to set aside my stresses and doubts to serve the people in my life. I'm excited for General Conference this upcoming weekend and can't wait! ❤️

Today was fast and testimony meeting, and there were a lot of things that were said that I loved, and I wanted to share a few of them with you:
-Heavenly Father has a better plan for us. We can be SO much more than we are.
-God produces good out of evilness. You have to have faith that He'll make it beautiful. He can make awful, awful evil things beautiful. 
-The one thing that never changes is that your Father in Heaven loves you very much.

One thing I got from the lesson in Relief Society today was based off of something that someone said. I wrote, "Remember that those [amazing and wonderful] things you see in others can also be seen in you.  ❤️"

I loved today! I loved the lessons, and I loved the bits and pieces of the Gospel that stood out to me today. I was fasting and praying for some specific things today, and I didn't get all the answers, but I did get the ones I needed the most. I am soo grateful for so many things today! For my ward. For my friends. For my family. For my Father in Heaven, and for my Savior. I wouldn't be where I am today without what I've been through, who I've met, and who I've been surrounded by. I've grown, I've changed, I'm growing, and I'm changing. I've made some mistakes and sinned, as we all have, but God loves me anyway. 

Take time this week to ponder what questions you most need answered in General Conference. I am going to, too. And then listen and watch. God will answer you. He will bless you. He will love you. As He does now. Have a great day! ❤️

Xoxo
Mattie

He will.

I came home this weekend because Friday was my Spring Day (I go to BYU and we don't normally have a Spring Break but this year they gave us one day...I'll take it!) and I had some things I wanted to do at home. In addition to that, this weekend was SO needed!! ❤

A week or so ago I was reading about the hymn "I Stand All Amazed" and I remembered that, at the time the hymn was written, 'confused' meant 'in awe', or something like that. I can't find what I read, but I know that I read it! Anyway, as we were singing that hymn before the sacrament, I thought that its line "Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me" holds well with either definition. Or both together. I am indeed awed and confused at the grace that He offers. Awed that He loves me enough, even when I've sinned, and made mistakes, to offer it; and confused as to why He offers it again and again. Some days I think that I'm nothing special–that I'm not worth it. But "I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died." For me. He was crucified for ME. He suffered for ME. I'm worth it. At least, to Him. I've made plenty of mistakes. I've sinned. But still, I am worth it to Him. He hasn't given up on me. So I shouldn't either. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13).

A couple of things that were said throughout sacrament meeting and Sunday School today stood out to me, so I just wanted to shared them:
Learning doesn't help until we gain some experience(s).
Our life here on earth is like an apprenticeship.
We don't know the good we do when we share the gospel.

Relief Society was PERFECT! The lesson was one my singles ward did a couple weeks ago, but I really needed it this week. It's the one called, "Daughters of God" and I needed it. Here are some of the things that we talked about/were mentioned:

• Heavenly Father knows you and hears you.
• One woman said that she's always had a hard time with the phrase/word 'meek and submissive' in the scriptures, but that she had recently learned of the meaning of 'meek' in Greek. I'm going to share what I got from what she said and then from what I got doing a simple Google search. She said meekness is a war horse before battle–ready, determined, strong, powerful. In the Google search, I found this, which is essentially the same thing but better: "In the Greek New Testament, 'meek' is from the Greek term praus. It does not suggest weakness; rather, it denotes strength brought under control. The ancient Greeks employed the term to describe a wild horse tamed to the bridle. In the biblical sense, therefore, being meek describes one who has channeled his strengths into the service of God."

I LOVED that! I had never thought before that being meek could have negative connotations, but I am grateful for the sister who brought this new definition of meekness to me.

Another thing we talked about was tender mercies, and how grateful we are for women who listen to the Spirit's promptings and are answers to our prayers. I had such an experience only yesterday. My friend called me out the blue and I was so happy and grateful! It was good to talk to her, seeing as how I don't get to see or talk with her all that often anymore, and I miss her. It was good to know that she was thinking of me. I've been struggling a little lately and the phone call from her was exactly what I needed. ❤

God knows us. He hears us. He knows what we need and who we need it from. He knows your struggles, and your insecurities, and your doubts, and your wants, wishes, needs. He knows it all. He knows YOU and He loves you so, so much. And He will help you become better. He will give you the strength and determination to do what you want/need to. He will give you peace. He will give you the time that you need. He will make it all work out. He will. 

Xoxo

Mattie

His love heals.

Last week, I made a goal–to be better/consistent in my scripture study and prayers, and to be better about specific personal goals I have. And while I was studying my scriptures Sunday night, I had a couple of thoughts and felt like I needed to write a blog post about this topic–perfection in ourselves–and so, not being one to let a prompting go when I'm reading my scriptures, I decided to listen. And this is the result. DISCLAIMER: I am going to be really honest in this post, and I just want to let you know that no matter what you read, I am fine. :) A little stressed and tired (#thankyoucollege), but I am doing just fine. Love you! :) 

I honestly don't know why I'm writing this post. I never thought that I would need to write this. But last week, I felt like I needed to. So I started it. I've been working on it, on and off, every day this week. It's a little long, and a little scattered, but hopefully I will get my intended message across.

~~~~~~~~~

I think I realized at least an idea for part of an answer as to why I do some of the things I do. Why I bite my nails. Why I bite my lip. Why I stress about sending texts/emails only some of the time and have to type them into a separate document before I send them, and then I still feel insecure about what I sent 80% of the time–whether or not I stressed about sending it. Why I feel the need to constantly be there for everyone in my life all the time, even when I physically can't be in two-plus places at once. Why I feel the need to control so many aspects of my life, even when I know I physically and literally can't. Why I beat myself up over mistakes that I made, things I said but maybe shouldn't have, things that I regret. Etc., etc.

The answer? I feel like I need to be perfect.

I know it's not expected of me, and I don't expect it of others (we're all human), but I just expect it of myself. And I don't know why.

sometimes i will let myself not be perfect. and for that one moment, everything is perfect. and then that moment ends. And I go back–to overthinking, to anxiety. {Sorry about the Tangled quote, there...actually, no, I'm not}

For some bizarre reason, I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. And I know that it's a little bit ridiculous.

I'm sure that we've all felt like this at times. Some more than others, but I think almost everyone has felt this desire–this need to be perfect at/in everything all the time–at some point in their life.

For me, this desire brings about anxiety and stress. I honestly so try hard to not let it get to me. But sometimes it's hard. Especially this semester. This semester it has been really hard. I've struggled with several things–from consistent and personal scripture study/prayer, to accepting the fact that people act and react in different ways and just because they don't react the way that I expected/wanted them to doesn't mean that they don't like me/love me/accept me for who I am, to realizing there are some personal things about myself that I thought I had gotten past but really haven't yet.

Honestly I think the biggest reason why this has been so hard for me this semester is because I've struggled with accepting the fact that I don't know where my life is going, and I've struggled a bit with accepting that I am where I'm meant to be. I love where I am, but you know, I've got all these friends in my life who are out there, DOING something–they're on a mission, getting married, traveling across the country, etc.

Not that what I'm doing isn't important–getting an education is very important–I just feel like I don't get recognition for doing what I'm doing (College is HARD. Did you know that? It's SO difficult!). Not that I want it all the time, but just once it would be nice to hear, "You're doing great! I'm proud of you! Keep it up!" (Don't tell me that just because I told you I want to be told that). My top two love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, and, if I'm being honest,  I feel like I don't get enough of them. This is possibly another reason as to why I do some of the things I do–I guess I try to make up for it [not getting enough love through my love languages] by giving love to others others–by bringing love and light to the lives of the people who are most important to me, and trying to lift them up and bring them a little bit of happiness, which also explains the need to constantly be there for said people in my life–I don't want them to feel like I do. Plus, I feel a lot better when I am making sure that other people are loved and happy.

Okay, now that I've talked about a few of the things that I'm feeling, and that you have probably felt sometimes, too, I'm going to share some thoughts from a few prophets and leaders of the Lord that address several of the things that I've brought up.

President Russell M. Nelson, then Elder Nelson, said in 1995, "The perfection that the Savior envisions for us is much more than errorless performance. It is the eternal expectation as expressed by the Lord in his great intercessory prayer to his Father—that we might be made perfect and be able to dwell with them in the eternities ahead." And it is not meant to be achieved in this life! He goes on to say that, "That Jesus attained eternal perfection following his resurrection is confirmed in the Book of Mormon... Resurrection is requisite for eternal perfection." God's purpose is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. We are meant to grow and become perfect with His help, but it will take time. So, even though at this time in my life I apparently feel like I need to be perfect right now (when I know that I am not expected to be 100% perfect now), I need to remember it takes time–to forgive, to heal, to repent, and to become perfected.


In 2002, President Monson said, "I have always felt that if we speak in generalities, we rarely have success; but if we speak in specifics, we will rarely have a failure. Therefore, I urge that you exemplify in your lives four tested, specific virtues. They are:

1. 1. An attitude of gratitude,
2. 2. A longing for learning,
3. 3. A devotion to discipline, and
4. 4. A willingness to work."

I absolutely LOVED this! Here is one thing he said for each of the different virtues:

"Be grateful for your mother, for your father, for your family, and for your friends...They love you; they pray for you; they serve you. You are precious in their sight and in the sight of your Heavenly Father. He hears your prayers. He extends to you His peace and His love. Stay close to Him and to His Son, and you will not walk alone."

"We can find truth in the scriptures, the teachings of the prophets, the instructions from our parents, and the inspiration that comes to us as we bend our knees and seek the help of God."

"The battle for self-discipline may leave you a bit bruised and battered but always a better person. Self-discipline is a rigorous process at best; too many of us want it to be effortless and painless. Should temporary setbacks afflict us, a very significant part of our struggle for self-discipline is the determination and the courage to try again."

"President J. Reuben Clark, many years ago a counselor in the First Presidency, said: 'I believe that we are here to work, and I believe there is no escape from it. I think that we cannot get that thought into our souls and into our beings too soon. Work we must, if we shall succeed or if we shall advance. There is no other way.'"

I loved his talk! Focusing on specific goals and things to work on helps me get outside of me and not be so...I don't want to say self-centered because that's not exactly it but that's the only way I can think to say it. Anyway, I've found that having specific goals helps me be more aware of my surroundings and more aware of my Savior.

In a talk by Sister Elaine S. Dalton in 2004, the three topics she addresses are, "Believe in yourselves. Believe that you are never alone. Believe that you will always be guided." 

• "Before you came to this earth you were tutored at your Father’s knee. You have been reserved to come to the earth for a special purpose. There are things for each of you to do that no one else can do as well. You have a destiny to fulfill. Your righteous example as one of the believers will make a difference in the world, so “be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:33)."
• "The Lord has promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88)." 
• "Everything in the scriptures is applicable to our lives. The scriptures answer our questions, they provide role models and heroes, and they help us understand how to handle challenges and trials. Many times the scriptures you read will be the answer to your prayers."

I loved her talk. :) It was a good one to read. Believe in yourself! Believe in what you can do, in who you are, and in what you are capable of. Believe that you are loved and wanted. I have trouble with this sometimes (just as a whole, not specifically that last sentence). But I am working on it. :)

As I've been working on this post all week, I've been thinking and learning a lot about myself and the Lord. I've been working on my scripture study and prayers this week, and I've been doing really good this week. And because of that, I've felt at peace a lot this week. There are still some things that I didn't get answers to this week, which is okay–I think that the Lord is working on answering them. Sometimes you just have to have faith, and I do. Life is good. I love my Heavenly Father, I love my Savior, I love my family and friends. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to go to school here at BYU, and I'm grateful for the Bishopric and their wives. They are so amazing and wonderful and I love them. I'm also super grateful for my visiting teachers! They're super wonderful and always willing to help me and I'm so thankful for that. :) This has been a helpful week for me as I've been writing this post and finding/figuring some stuff out that I don't know to fix, but I know that Heavenly Father will help me fix them. In 1 John 4:18, it says, "18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I know that the Lord loves us all perfectly and wants to help us become better. And I know that His love makes everything better, and gets rid of the fear–it gets rid of the anxiety. When I remember, and focus on it, His love heals. And for that I am grateful. 

One last thought...here are a few songs that I loved and thought they encompassed what I've been trying to work on, what I've been feeling, and what the Lord does for you:
He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks ( LDS ) with Lyrics - YouTube
Colbie Caillat - Try - YouTube
Sometimes He Lets it Rain - YouTube

I love you and so does your Heavenly Father. Hope you have a lovely week! 

Xoxo
Mattie

Today's the day.

99.999999% of the time, I don't know what I'm doing. With my life, with me. But thankfully my Heavenly Father does, and my Savior knows Heavenly Father's plan for me. So I can turn to Him for help. Trying to live my life the way I want to doesn't always work. But when I let go, and turn to my Heavenly Father for help and guidance, things fall into place, and I am happier. Don't get me wrong–I still make mistakes–but letting go of how I wanted my life to go and focusing on how God knows it goes makes me happier. I know He knows what He is doing and will guide me to where I need to be. I've never felt more at peace than when I let go of what I thought I wanted to do and asked God what He knew I needed to do, and found that that really was what I wanted to do.

A couple of things were said over the course of today that I loved that I am going to share:
-You can always start over. Today's the day. (I love Brother Wilhite! So thankful for this message he shared today.)
-God is so mindful of us. (He knows us. He knows what we're going through and what we need.)
-You need to maintain your testimony. (You can't help and share your testimony if you don't have a strong foundation, and if you don't maintain your testimony.)

I know that I make mistakes–so many!–but I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to repent each week and start again. Today's the day to start–or start again–and make goals and try to be better this week. I'm so grateful that I can depend on my Savior and turn to Him when I need help. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father, and for His love. I'm lucky to know that I am a daughter of God, and that I have a divine nature and destiny.

I know that God loves you. I know that He is watching out for you. He's blessing your life in many ways all the time. He sends you people that you need in your life when you need them. I know that He knows you personally. I know that He sent you to earth for a purpose. You are here for a reason, and you are important, and wanted, and loved. ❤️

Xoxo
Mattie

It takes time.

Today was a really beautiful day–a little chilly, but the sun is shining, and the sky is so blue. ❤️

So my thoughts during the sacrament today were mostly about what I have and can do because of and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ:

I am a daughter of God, who is a King of the most high. I have a divine nature and destiny. Through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ I am able to be forgiven and start again. Through the Atonement, I am able to live with my family forever. Through the Atonement, I have the Lord on and by my side. Through the Atonement, I can know my worth. Through the Atonement, I can feel peace. Through the Atonement, I can find joy and happiness. Through the Atonement, I have found the love of my Savior, and that love has brought me strength in the hard times.

The topic of sacrament meeting today was how trials and tribulations can help us change and become who we were meant to become. Parker said that we didn't come here to earth to be comfortable; we came here to grow. I think each speaker mentioned weaknesses at some point, and how we can make them strengths with the Lord's help. Ether 12:27 was mentioned a lot today as a whole, and I know that it was for me. I'm working hard on some things but I can work a little bit harder. Sam said that trials allow us to choose–to give up, and give in to weakness, or to be humble, and have faith in the Lord. If we put our faith in God, there is no trial we can't get through. Brother Durfey spoke a few words at the end of the meeting before the closing song and said, "If it doesn't challenge us, it doesn't change us," and I loved that. ❤️

We talked about the priesthood in Gospel Doctrine today, and my eyes were opened to the fact that the Aaronic Priesthood is more of the physical things–baptism, blessing and passing of the sacrament, home teaching–and the Melchizedek Priesthood is more of the spiritual things–gift of the Holy Ghost, temple ordinances, blessings of comfort and counsel, etc. I thought that was so cool! We also talked about the Law of Moses and that time period, and Rosie mentioned that when they lost the Melchizedek Priesthood, all of their temple ordinances were more on the physical side of things, because they only had the Aaronic Priesthood. It was a really great lesson and I learned a lot.

Relief Society today was great! As it always is. ❤️ It was based on Elder Bednar's talk entitled "Always Retain a Remission of Your Sins," and I highly recommend it. There were a lot of great things that we talked about, but a few of the most important ones to me today were that 1) Remission takes time; 2) it's okay to fall down...just do what you can; and 3) it's never too late. Changing who you are takes time, but it's never too late. There is a song by Hilary Weeks that talks about this, and I have probably shared it before, but it's a good song. It's called, Even When, and around 3:28 is when it takes about taking time, but the whole song is about how God loves us still, even when we make mistakes. Even when we fall. He will always love us.

I am so grateful for everything that was talked about today. I realized today that I'm still a little broken and I'm still healing, but I also realized that that is okay. Even though it does take time (apparently more than I thought), I don't have to do it by myself. I am so grateful to have my Savior to depend on, and to have my Heavenly Father to turn to. I know He loves me, and I know He loves you. I know that you can always depend on Him. And you can always depend on me. I am here for you whenever. I love you and want you to be happy and healthy. Remember that you are a son or daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, who knows what you need to become the best you that you can become. Your trials may not make sense to you at all–and you may not know why the same one just never goes away–but God knows what He's doing. Trust Him, because I do. I trust Him with all of my heart. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Xoxo
Mattie

He will stand by your side.

I am so grateful for my bishop and his wife. They spoke in sacrament meeting today and I heard a great deal that I needed to hear. I love them so much! 
Sister Anderson talked about priorities, and gave a list of eight things to help you keep your life balanced (from a talk by Elder Ballard, found here). I loved a few of them more than others so I'm going to share those few:

• Set attainable goals. Set short-term goals that you can do.
• Build relationships. Stay close to family and friends. They can help keep you grounded.
• Study the scriptures. She also mentioned an article in the New Era by President Monson where he said, "if you will study the scriptures diligently, your power to avoid temptation and to receive direction of the Holy Ghost in all you do will be increased."

When going through these things to help keep your life balanced, remember to turn to your Heavenly Father. He will help you and be there for you when things get hard, and when you fail the first seven times to study your scriptures every day. 

This past week and a half or so has been insanely crazy. I had many things to do, there were many things forgotten...all at once. It wasn't a super great time. The last few days have been better–less full of things to do–but still not 100% great. Even so, I got through it. I am grateful for my Savior, who stood by my side through all the tears and frustrations of the week. I'm grateful that everything turned out all right. I've never had such a horrible week start out the way it did, and then everything ended up turning out all right. I spaced some important things that I was able to make up, and I was able to get a lot of my homework done, even when I felt like I didn't fully understand what was going on. I'm grateful for this three-day weekend, and for all the time I have to catch up on some things. I'm grateful the messages shared in church today that I needed. I'm grateful for all of my plans that are falling into place–a sure sign that I'm doing the right things and have the help, love, and reassurance of my Heavenly Father. I'm not sure where He is taking me, but I trust Him with all of my heart. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Trusting in God can be hard.

I thought last week was going to be crazy. And it was crazy, yeah, but I swear this weekend has been more crazy than every day last week combined. Not only did I work Friday afternoon like normal, and Saturday night like normal, I had to work today, too. We were done by 7:30, which was great. This morning I was SO EXHAUSTED. I don't know why. I went to bed at a relatively decent hour after I got home from work and did some more homework. Still so tired. I took a nap before work today. Still so tired. Plus a pulsing headache (probably from stress+tired Mattie). And even though I did a ton of my homework Saturday I still have a ton to do tonight. I just wanted to get my blogpost out of the way so I don't have to worry about it. :)

Church was great, apart from me being tired.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am as a person, and where I'm going–now, and in the future. While I have hopes and dreams of where I want to be, I know that my plan is just that–a plan. And plans, when made by men, fail. God's plan does not, and I am so thankful God has a plan for me! I'm not entirely sure what it is yet, but I have hopes that the plan I have is at least similar to God's plan for me. Everything has been falling into place for this major. Even if I don't get in this fall, I have a plan to get my grades up and try to apply again next year for fall 2018. I have felt really, really good about this major/plan, which is more than I've felt about anything, including my major plans for last year. Last year, I had no clue on what I wanted to do, and no plans. This year, I still have no clue, but I do have a plan. Trusting in God can be SO hard at times, but He knows what I need, and He knows what I can handle. ❤️

I've come to several conclusions this weekend about parts of myself that I've been working on, and I'm proud of myself because they've been really hard things for me to work on and I'm making a lot of progress, thanks to my Savior. I haven't always been able to work on these things super well, but because I've been thinking more about my Savior, and trusting Him, it's been easier.

One of the last things that was said in Relief Society today was something that I really needed to hear. It was, "He [Heavenly Father] loves you and is proud of you for what you've accomplished." I am so thankful for the ladies (and guys, but this was Relief Society) in my ward who are in touch with the Spirit and who are able to relate to me what my Heavenly Father knows that I need to hear. ❤️

Heavenly Father knows you, loves you, hears you, and answers you. He will always be there to support you. 

Hope everyone has a great upcoming week. I love you all! 

Xoxo
Mattie