Discovering yourself.

Well, I did it, guys!!

Graduation Day!

Last Friday, the 26th of April, 2019, I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! I am so thankful for all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me these last four years! It has been quite a journey, but because of them, I was able to make it! I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had here at BYU.

I'm grateful for my Savior, who has been there to help me, lift me, and carry me when I was down. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends I've made, and all of the amazing people I've met. I am grateful for the chances I've had to create deep and lasting friendships and relationships with the people who have been in my life these last four years. I am grateful for the examples of my friends, and for their love and support during my darkest and lowest moments. I know Heavenly Father sent them to me because He knew that they would not only help me then, but ever after.

I am so excited for the future, and I am so grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father in my decisions and plans of what I want to do with my life right now and in the near future.

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I think that it is important for me to discuss this, because it has been a large part of my life these last few years, but I want you to know that NOTHING would ever make me want to do something extreme. (Either that, or I honestly would be too lazy and tired to do it.)

As many of you may know, I have anxiety and depression. I am pretty sure that I have had anxiety my whole life (or at least a large portion of my life), but I think that my depression began after I started college–I'm not sure, but it doesn't entirely matter. 

Anyway.

The first summer when I discovered I had depression was probably the hardest. It was not only my first summer away from home, but it was my first summer staying at an apartment complex in Provo. It was also my first summer with no room roommate (though I had had no room roommate for four months before summer started), and I wasn't expecting that. I loved my roommates–still do–and I had a fun time that summer, but I felt very...isolated. My job that summer was working as a custodian for BYU Catering, so I had random hours when there were events, in addition to my consistent hours from 4-8pm, Monday thru Friday. It was hard because I couldn't really ever do anything with my friends sometimes because we wouldn't always be back in time for me to go to work. 

I started seeing a therapist and really felt like it was helping. 

But.

There were still times where I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from the Earth–as if I had never existed?" or "I wonder what it would be like to just sink to the bottom of the pool?" I never really wanted to do anything about it, but I felt like I had no purpose, and I felt very, very alone and sad sometimes. Even when I was hanging out with my friends. I would leave to get ready for work, and I would try to say goodbye, but everyone was having so much fun, they didn't often notice. So I would walk to work by myself, which was oftentimes relaxing, but sometimes made me sad because I had been swimming with my friends, or watching a movie with them, or playing a game, or doing something much funner than working. Walking home was better–I felt relieved that work was over and that I got to go home and eat and rest. 

There were three things that kept me going at this point in time. The first two things were not things, but people. 

Stadium of Fire with my roommates!

The first person was my roommate and friend Carrie. I always felt like she really cared about me, and I knew I could talk to her about anything and it would be okay. She tried to get me involved with things, and out doing things. There wasn't often much she could do about my situations and feelings, but she listened, and that was enough.

I always felt loved when I was around Carrie, and I always felt included and much happier when I was around her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what happiness feels like.

Hiking with my friends!
I wanted to turn around so many times,
but they wouldn't let me. AND they carried me when I fell–literally!

The second person was my friend Haley. She always made me feel loved and tried to help me see the bright side of things. We talked a lot–sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. She couldn't really do anything to fix me, but she would sit with me, talk with me, and listen to me, and that was enough.

Haley always brought the Spirit into my life when I was around her, and I always felt so much love from her. I believe she was an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father to help me remember what the Spirit feels like. 

Both Carrie and Haley were blessings in my life because they were so close to the Spirit, and I really looked up to them for that. I loved that they both always knew just what I needed to hear, and I really admired their strength and determination to follow the promptings of the Spirit, and listen to Heavenly Father. 

Ward Choir!

The third thing was my calling. That summer, I became the assistant choir director, and then I became the choir director. That calling changed my life. I felt like I had a purpose, and I loved being able to bring the Spirit to our church meetings through the music that we prepared. We did two musical firesides that year–for Christmas and Easter–and I am SO thankful for how wonderfully they turned out! I felt so much love and appreciation for the music, for the people in my ward choir (and in my ward), and I felt like I was making a difference.

Even two years later, after I've been to see a therapist about 15 to 20 times throughout the past two years (which has been helping me IMMENSELY), and while I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, there are still times where I wonder what I am doing here–where I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Where I wonder what would happen if I just never woke up. Where I wonder if I am lost, and will never be found. 

These thoughts scare me sometimes, but I always turn to one of my friends, or I turn on my church music playlist, to help me feel better, and to get out of that slump. And I also turn to my Father in Heaven. I cry to Him–literally–which makes me wonder if that is what Enos meant when he said he "cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul" and I can't help but imagine this big, macho man crying tears to God and it makes me giggle a little at how sweet that scene is. I have always admired Enos, who prayed and prayed and prayed for hours, and I know how taxing that must be, but he kept praying. How admirable is that?

I can't help but think–there MUST be something I can do to make a difference. There MUST be a reason for me to be here, and there must be something that only I can give to the world. I have been asking and asking Heavenly Father, and searching and searching the scriptures and my soul, but I can't figure it out! 

Trying to figure out your purpose here on Earth is very, very taxing and tiring. My soul feels very stretched and exhausted. I have always wanted to be a mother, and to find someone to share my life with, but nothing I have ever tried to do has worked out. I don't know what else to do but to keep going with my life. I can't wait around for someone–I don't want to wait around for someone because I don't have time to: I've got three classes left to take in Spring Term, and then I will be working full-time at my new job that I start working part-time tomorrow. I am so excited! It is going to be really fun! I can't wait!

Even though college has been really stressful for me, I am so grateful for my experiences at BYU. I am so grateful for the people that I have met, for the friends that I have made, and for the love that I have felt. I know that there is more for me than school, and I am excited to discover what else is out there!

It has been a long road to get to where I am today, and though I am not always pleased with where I am mentally or emotionally, I know that I am trying my best, and that is all that I can do. So I know that my Savior will make up the difference. Because He has been doing that my whole life. So why would He stop now? He wouldn't. He doesn't.

I am thankful for a loving Father and Mother in Heaven, and for my Elder Brother, who sacrificed so much for me even though I know I don't always deserve it. I know that I have something to give to this world–it's waiting to be discovered! I just need to keep looking for it.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Happy Springtime! You are so, so loved!! 💜💜💜

Xoxo
Mattie

Because of Him.

Happy Easter! I know that my Redeemer lives! I know that Jesus Christ lived, died, and was resurrected to save us all. I am grateful for the reminder that life does not end after death...because of Him.

I am grateful for the knowledge and testimony I have that He lives. So grateful for the chances I have to share my testimony with others. I was able to sing "One by One" in sacrament meeting today and I hope and pray that I really brought the Spirit to the meeting. I know that we are all ministered to one by one, and I know that we will all be able to live again because of Him. I am so grateful that I will be able to see my family and friends who have passed away again someday.

I am grateful for the example of my Savior–throughout His ministry, as well as during His last week here on Earth. He showed so much love and compassion for those who wanted to follow Him. He healed the sick and afflicted, and He loved His followers. But He also showed love for those who wanted to crucify Him...and that is the biggest example of all. He endured all He did because He knew that we needed Him. He was the only one who could do it, and He did it for us. He loved us, and He loved His Father so much, that He was willing to do the Father's will so that we could all have the opportunity to return to live with Heavenly Father and be saved. Jesus Christ knew that not everyone would take advantage of His sacrifice, but He did it for them anyway because He still loved them.

I am grateful for His sacrifice, and for His love for me. I am grateful that He is always there to help me, and that He sends angels here on Earth to be with me, and to love me, and to help me recognize that I am not alone, that I am not unloved, and that I am blessed. I am grateful that He understands what I am going through, and that He is always there to catch me when I fall.

I am grateful for the chance that I have to try and try and try and try again and again and again...because of Him. I am grateful for the chance I have to be with my loved ones again...because of Him. I am grateful for the chance that I have to grow closer to my Father in Heaven...because of Him. I am grateful for the chance I have to learn how to have faith...because of Him. I am grateful for the chance I have to live with my family forever...because of Him.

This is from 2012 but is a reminder of how much we have grown.
I love my siblings so much and am so grateful
for each of their personalities and what
they bring to our family. 

Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. I can't imagine my life without my brothers and sisters, and I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for me. My life isn't always exactly what I want it to be...but I know that it is always what it needs to be.

Happy Easter, friends. "He is not here, for He is risen!"

Xoxo
Mattie

God blessed the broken road.

I am feeling so grateful and blessed! It has been quite a week! What with feeling pumped from conference, getting a bunch of calls from places that I applied to, getting 1st place at the BYU Fulton Conference in the college of Family Life, to getting A JOB FOR AFTER GRADUATION! I am so excited for it! I can't believe my dreams are coming true! I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father! I know that He has been blessing me lately, even when I couldn't always see it. I am thankful for the confirmation from Him that this is what He wants me to do.

Yesterday I went to the temple and I ran into two friends and it was so nice to see them! I also was able to really just feel the Spirit, and feel confirmation and peace about the things that I have planned for the future.

I absolutely LOVED the talks in sacrament meeting today! Sarah talked a lot about personal revelation, spiritual experiences, and gaining a testimony. My favorite thing that she talked about was how mental health, spirituality, and revelation go hand-in-hand. Sometimes your body can't receive revelation and you think that God isn't talking to you but that's not true. He is always there and He is always speaking to you. I really loved it because I've felt like God isn't speaking to me, and looking back, it's been in the past few years...which is when my mental health took a decline. So my body wasn't capable of receiving revelation...because my mind was sick. Once Sarah put that thought into words, things made a lot more sense.

In Relief Society today we talked about what we loved about conference. I loved what someone said she got from conference...She said, "Don't judge...just help each other and do your best." I love this because I got a similar message from conference. I got a message of love, service, and just trying your best.

Someone said, "Everything makes sense with the gospel because everything is because of the gospel." I loved that. Life is made easier with the gospel–with Christ–because everything is because of the gospel, and because of Christ. When my life is centered in Christ, and in the gospel, everything makes sense. I might not always understand what's going on, but I know that, no matter what, He is with me, and He loves me.

One of the last things we were talking about was how we should step forward and trust the Lord. Take His promptings for you and show Him that you trust Him. I really feel like I have been trying to do this lately. I have been trying to show Him that I trust Him. I realized that I needed to choose. I needed to make a decision about where I wanted to go. I had been asking and asking Heavenly Father to help guide me to making the decision...but I wasn't getting an answer. I felt like He was silent...but looking back, His silence was the answer. He left the decision up to me. So when I finally made a decision...I told Him if He didn't approve of my decision, He'd have to be very obvious in letting me know that He had a different idea for me. And He paved the way for me to get the job, so I knew that He approved of my choice.

I am very blessed and grateful for so many things that I have been blessed with...the blessing of music, the blessing of family, the blessing of love, the blessing of revelation, and the blessing of peace. I am so grateful for loving friends who are always willing to lend a helping hand and a listening ear.

I know that things happen for a reason, and I know that God has led me to today, and to this job. I am so grateful for the chance I have to be a part of something that I love and something that inspires me. I am so excited for the future and for the next adventures of my life! I am grateful that my Heavenly Father is so loving and kind. I am grateful that He is always there for me and that He supports me in all of my endeavors and dreams.

Xoxo
Mattie

"Ask Him how He feels about you. And then listen."

It's General Conference weekend!! I love General Conference so much!

The main messages that I got this weekend was to love (God, your neighbor, your family), increase your faith, and do better to share your testimony.

I have been thinking a lot this week in preparation for General Conference, and one thing that I have really been thinking about is love for others no matter what. It's hard for me to understand why people can't love others. It frustrates me when people complain about things that they don't like about people because they think they hate a specific group of people, and then they in turn hate the people they are criticizing. It's hypocritical of them. We might not agree with everyone, but we need to love everyone. There is this quote that I love that I think speaks volumes:



I don't always agree with people. There are a lot of people in my life that I have different opinions than. But guess what? I still love them. It's not that hard. Just because I don't agree with someone's lifestyle, opinions, or choices doesn't mean that I fear or hate them. We can have differing lifestyles, opinions, and choices and still be kind and compassionate to each other. This is something that I think people forget or don't understand. It's not hard to love and support each other even though you don't have the same views.

I am so grateful for General Conference weekend! This weekend has been a blessing! I have received a confirmation to an answer that I received a few weeks ago and I am so excited to implement the lessons that I have learned this weekend! I am excited to draw closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I am grateful for the blessings of the temple and the opportunities I have to attend the temple and do the work for my ancestors and for those who have come before me.

I am far from perfect, but I can't wait to love more, have faith more, bless more, and share more.

Xoxo
Mattie

From draining to uplifting.

I've had an insane week. In all aspects of the word. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It's been DRAINING. I've been stressed about a lot of things, including a prompting that I received last week. But I have done so much this week to try and receive answers.

On Friday I went to see my therapist and we discussed a lot about how I feel very much like there are too many paths for me to choose from. But after much discussion, it clarified that Heavenly Father is there to guide me. When I make choices, I can tell Him the choice I made and ask Him for guidance. He can't make the choice for me, and I knew that, but sometimes I think I forget that just having a bunch of different "maybes" isn't making a choice.

Yesterday I went to the temple with a friend and ran into more friends at the temple. It was an amazing experience and I am so grateful that I was able to go. It brought peace to my life to be at the temple, and it led me to more answers. It also confirmed that I needed to make a choice. 

So today I made a decision. I made a decision as to what I'm going to do and I asked Heavenly Father to let me know if that wasn't what He wanted for me. So I'm waiting for confirmation of my decision but in the meantime, I am not going to worry about any of the other paths–I'm going to focus on finishing school and graduating, as well as focusing on the parts of my decision that I can do right now. So I'm going to keep looking for full-time job opportunities and I'm going to keep reading my scriptures and going to the temple and I'm going to try to gain as much spiritual growth as I can. 

Four Blessings of the Temple, by Harold Glen Clark:"First, the light and knowledge promised by the Father may come to us in the temple through the agency of the Holy Ghost. 
A second great blessing the temple offers us is instruction in the requirements of personal righteousness. 
A third blessing of the temple is that it serves as a place where we are taught our responsibility for others.
A fourth blessing of the temple is receiving the knowledge that we are a part of a great cause.”

So grateful for the love and peace that I have felt as I’ve read the scriptures and gone to the temple this semester––as well as my entire time here at BYU. It has been such a blessing for me and my testimony. Even though I have not always been the best at reading my scriptures or going to the temple as often as I would have liked, I tried my best and I know that Heavenly Father is proud of my efforts. I hope that I can continue to make Him proud as I move forward in my life trying to apply all the principles I’ve learned in my life and as I try to better myself each and every day. I am not perfect, so all I can do is try. And that is all that He asks of me.

I know that He loves me. I know that He sent His Son to die for us. I know that as I go to the temple regularly, I will gain more knowledge, peace, light, comfort, and instruction. I don’t know exactly what the future holds for me, but I know that God is going to be with me. 

Xoxo
Mattie

There is life after.

It's been quite a week! A lot of things have happened and it's been very stressful but I am just so grateful that it's finally over and that I get a chance to start over.

One thing I've tried to focus on this week is that everyone makes mistakes. Life is full of choices that lead to growth or recognition that you need to grow. And it's important to remember that Heavenly Father loves you no matter what. He is always willing to give us opportunities to fix our mistakes and try again. It's such a blessing because I don't always make the right decisions––I make a lot of mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes weight down on me. But my friend reminded me that He loves us and is willing to give us so many chances to fix our mistakes...and that was a blessing this week.

Sometimes I feel like this comic is me.

Sometimes I think Heavenly Father is disappointed in me, and in the mistakes that I make again, and again, and again. But really...He is just patiently waiting for me to remember who I am and what I'm actually working for. Sometimes I feel like He and I are just caught in this whirlpool––where I am constantly getting back into the ocean because I haven't learned my lesson about that whirlpool yet, but He STILL comes to rescue me. Because He loves me.

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One good thing that happened this week was I started writing a book! I'm very excited about it. I don't have too much written down yet haha but I've got a good little start. It's going to be about my spiritual journey, and I'm going to try to take some stuff from my blog and expound on it. I've got a lot of ideas for the book but I'm excited to see where it takes me.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go and see a performance of the Lamb of God by Rob Gardner. It was such an amazing experience! The music was beautiful, the message of the music was inspiring, and the spirit of the night was testimony-building and deeply touching. It was a great way to end last week, and start this week.

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You know, each week, I make plans. I make goals. My planner gets COVERED in ink and graphite as I set aside specific times for all of the homework and projects that I have going on in the week. I try to be SO careful and make sure I have a little leeway in case things happen. And sometimes things just happen. Sometimes your dress rehearsal just changes from the time that you thought it was to a new time so you have to miss a class. Again. Sometimes things come up and you have to rearrange your time. You have to rearrange your priorities.

The last couple of weeks...I've been a little more excited about life after graduation. Don't get me wrong––I still have NO idea exactly what I'm doing afterwards haha but I am not quite so stressed anymore. I'm still stressed haha but I've been looking at a lot of different opportunities and I'm feeling good about life. I feel like there is something out there for me. There is something I have to give to this world. I don't know what it is, and sometimes I don't really feel like I have anything different to give to the world than everybody else, but there's a reason I am who I am. There's a reason I was drawn to the Family Life major. There's a reason that––despite a lot of the uncertainties of the future––I am getting ready to GRADUATE. I made it! I never thought that I would make it to graduation day, guys. I never thought I would make it. It seemed never-ending and just too far away...but here we are...about a month out from walking...and three months from being done with school.

God really has blessed the broken road. It didn't lead me to where I thought it would lead me...but it led me here. It led me to graduating in a few months. It led me to searching for a full-time job where I will be doing something I love. It led me to going through the temple. It led me to decide to start writing a book. It led me to wanting to find myself. And I am grateful to be here. I am right where I need to be. I am right where He needs me to be. And luckily this is where I want to be (most of the time 😉 ).

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For the last few years, I have had a scripture written on a sticky note and attached to the front of my Book of Mormon. The scripture is 2nd Nephi 22:2, and it says, "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation." I LOVE this scripture because God is my strength. And He is my salvation. I would not be where I am today without Him, and I will not be able to become the best me that I can be without Him.

I am very excited to see where this next turn in the road will take me! Because there is life after...everything. There is life after mistakes...life after success...life after choices...life after sorrow...life after accidents...life after plans...life after graduation. With God at my side, I am sure that this road will take me to the next level of becoming the best Mattie.

Xoxo
Mattie

Hard is good.

I think I'm just going to stop saying, "It's been a crazy week" and let you guys assume it's been a crazy week. 🤣 Despite the craziness of the last couple weeks, however, I am feeling really blessed this weekend. This week, I've been able to be comforted and feel peace. Currently I have really mainly stressed about life after graduation, but I've realized I don't have to be. I've learned that sometimes I overthink things and I just need to make a decision. God wants me to do what I want to do. I've been asking Him for guidance, and I've been so focused on what He wants me to do, but I think that He wants me to know that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether I stay in Provo or Lehi, or even if I leave Utah. As long as I follow my heart.

In the April 2017 General Conference, Sister Linda K. Burton gave a talk entitled, "Certain Women" that I really loved. Certain, in this case, means, "positive", "convinced", "definite", "firm", and "dependable". She said that "certain women are disciples centered in the Savior Jesus Christ and have hope through the promise of His atoning sacrifice." I loved that! Certain women have so much faith in our Savior and sacrifice so much to serve and bless the lives of those around them. I love this talk so much because it shows so many examples of righteous women who never gave up on their Savior. And I'd love to be just like them someday. I am trying every day to center my life on Christ and have faith and hope in His atoning sacrifice.

Sometimes my life doesn't always go the way that I want it to. But every week I try again. Every day, actually. And I am not always perfect at it. But I am trying. And that's all that God asks. He asks that I do my best. And some days...some days my best is not as much as it was the day before...but it is still my best. And that is all that matters.

Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen the way that they do, and why we all have different personal struggles. But it's important to remember that not only do we all learn in different ways, but hard is good. We learn more when we are being challenged, and all of the trials and struggles in our life lead us to improvement. You can't know happiness if you don't know sorrow. You can't know love if you don't know hate. You can't know peace if you don't know turmoil. 

Elder Stanley G. Ellis said, "In the world of nature, hard is part of the circle of life. It is hard for a baby chick to hatch out of that tough eggshell. But when someone tries to make it easier, the chick does not develop the strength necessary to live. In a similar way, the struggle of a butterfly to escape the cocoon strengthens it for the life it will live." 

Why should we be any different? We all have challenges. The only difference is how we react to those challenges. If we embrace the challenges, and use them to better ourselves, we can grow, and become stronger, and then the Lord will be able to use us to help others around us. 

I find that in the midst of my challenges and trials, when I take the time to visit the temple, read my scriptures, ponder, and pray, life makes a lot more sense. I am able to see beyond the trials and trust in my Father in Heaven. Sometimes it doesn't always work, I won't lie to you. There are some things that I can't see beyond–and trusting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me in that moment is slightly difficult–but because things have worked out in the past and I have been able to see connections and find answers, I am able to just hope and have faith. I hope that things will work out and I have faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, and that I am on the right path. 

I know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us, and I know that He only wants what is best for us. He wants us to be the best that we can be, and He wants us to turn to Him for help and guidance on our journey back to Him. 

Xoxo

Mattie