We are made up of a million tiny little things.

This week I have been in one of the most famous cities in the world: New York City!!! It has been a DREAM of mine for a long time and I can't believe I've finally been able to make it here!!! It has been an absolute BLAST and I have learned a lot about myself and life.

I've learned that I am extremely polite, I take my time to look at art and nature, I'm very independent, I need a map/guide, I often state the most obvious things, and when things go wrong I tend to look on the bright side.

I've learned that people in New York do NOT know how to drive!!!! At all!!!! I will never complain about Utah drivers again.

I've learned that it's a lot harder to hear God in the city that never sleeps...but when I can, it's still as beautiful as ever.

I've learned that you can never get tired of beautiful places, experiences, and things.

I've learned that sometimes stepping out of your comfort city/state is not only wanted, but NEEDED to give you a nice little break from your life.

I've learned that sometimes, in order to appreciate your life and get a better point of view, you need to take a step back.

I've learned that God is always with you. He cares about you. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to be HAPPY. And happiness is a choice. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light, as Professor Dumbledore said.

Sometimes our circumstances aren't what we wanted or imagined. And sometimes it's depressing. And that's okay. But if you focus on what you don't have, you lose sight of what you DO have. And I've learned that that doesn't make me the happiest of people.

It's hard to focus on what I do have, especially when I am not entirely sure what I do have. Not that I don't have lots of amazing parts to my life, but sometimes it seems like there aren't that many things to my life. I have a great job, great coworkers, great family, great friends.

But there is more to life, right? That's why I came to New York—because I wanted to see the world, and wanted to experience the world. I wanted to see what else the world has to offer. Because maybe–just maybe–if I can see what else the world has to offer, maybe I can see what else I have to offer.

Bishop Christopher W. Waddell said in the April 2019 General Conference, "As we seek the guidance of the Spirit and trust the Lord, we will be placed in situations and circumstances where we can act and bless—in other words, minister. There may be other times when we recognize a need but feel inadequate to respond, assuming that what we have to offer is insufficient. To do just as He did, however, is to minister by giving what we are capable of giving and to trust that the Lord will magnify our efforts to bless our “fellow travelers on this mortal journey.” For some, it may be giving the gift of time and talents; for others, it may be a kind word or a strong back. Although we may feel that our efforts are inadequate, President Dallin H. Oaks shared an important principle regarding “small and simple.” He taught that small and simple acts are powerful because they invite “the companionship of the Holy Ghost,” a companion who blesses both the giver and the receiver.

Small and simple things. It is the little things that make all the difference. We're all made up of a million tiny little things. We're all given the opportunity to make a difference with a million tiny little choices. What we CAN and DO give is enough—no matter how big or how small. As long as you are giving your all, you are making a difference.

Xoxo
Mattie

You have to try, or nothing will change.

Jesus Christ suffered and died for me. He gave His LIFE for me–how can I repay Him? Honestly, I can't. All I can do is try every day to be better, and to do better. Sometimes, I fail. But I get up and try again. My friend told me recently, "It’s okay to lose sometimes! You are still amazing and faith-filled and dedicated and full of worth! Every day is an opportunity for a new victory." I loved that and thought it was beautiful. I am human, and I am imperfect. I make mistakes, and sometimes I lose. It's a great reminder that my worth is not dependent upon anything. My worth is as constant as the sea–as constant as the changing of the moon and tides. It is always there and it is a reminder of the love of my Father in Heaven.

God loves me. I can ask Him, and He will tell me. He blesses me constantly–even when I can't see it. He is aware of me, and of my struggles. I can do hard things. I have done hard things, and I will continue to do hard things. Life is always throwing curveballs at me, and I am always going to be trying to hit them out of the park. Sometimes I will fail. But as I talk with Him, and tell Him how I am feeling, I can better be aware of His light and guidance in helping me through my struggles.

Sometimes I can't do things.
But because of (and with) Him, I can.

Jesus Christ is the only one who truly understands all that I am going through. He can help me overcome the feelings and experiences that are making me feel sad, anxious, depressed, and anything in between. Those feelings might not go away completely, but He can help me fill my life and change my focus so that the ache is not as constant.

Someone said in their testimony today that if we are constantly watering a plant, we are going to drown it. The same is with God. God is always aware of me, and He will water me (give me spiritual guidance/experiences) when I need it, and He will always give me enough.

I know that life is always going to be rough. There are always going to be challenges. There are always going to be "trips to the hospital for things that turn out to be appendicitis" in life–sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. But you have to keep moving forward. You have to TRY. Or nothing will change. There is no growth in the comfort zone. There is no comfort in the growth zone. I am trying every day to be better. I know that I am not in the comfort zone because every day is hard.

I am trying to learn as I am growing but sometimes it is hard to see what I can learn from these experiences. I am trying to be patient and focus on taking things one day at a time but sometimes it is hard. Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried about the future. Sometimes my depression makes me think that there is no future, so why should I worry about what's going on in my life right now? Together, they make trusting my Heavenly Father probably the most difficult thing in the world for me right now. But I know that as I turn to Him, and put my trust in Him every day...even if I don't understand...that little by little, this puzzle that is my life will start to piece together. Because just like a puzzle, it takes time for all the pieces of my life to come together.

"I am glad that the pieces of the puzzle of my life are in God's hands. He knows exactly where and when to put them and make it complete." ~ Caroline Naoroji

Xoxo

Mattie

Faith in the Father.

For the sacrament hymn today, we sang As Now We Take the Sacrament, and the third verse really hit me.

"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."

I'm trying SO HARD to accept the path that He has in store for me but it's really hard. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but then I have a really hard day and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I know that we all have our own paths but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to accept the path that God has for me, especially when I'm not really sure exactly what that path is.

Yesterday I went to the temple and it was SO needed! I received much peace and love from my Heavenly Father. But it's still hard. I'm trying to live my life and it's okay most of the time. But there are moments when it's not okay. There are moments when I am not okay. AND THAT IS OKAY. I need to be PATIENT. It's HARD but I know that it will be worth it. I need to focus on the things that I am DOING and remember to trust Him. He trusts me to choose the direction I want to go, apparently, so I can do any of the things I've been pondering about lately. I just need to choose and have faith in Him.

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I had a moment the other day where I was writing some things down. One is not necessarily anything special–it's not a poem or anything but it means something to me.

I feel unrecognizable. I look in the mirror and I see myself...but I don't recognize myself. Some days I am happier than I can remember. But some days I am sadder than ever. 

I think I have been stretched beyond recognition these past few years and I hope that is a good thing. I hope I am a new person–a better person–than I was at the start of my last chapter. This new chapter is going to be difficult–lots of new experiences, friends, and trials–but I just need to take things one page...one sentence...one word...one letter at a time.

One is a poem and I thought that it was helpful for me to write–I got to see my relationship with myself and with God in words–so I wanted to share and give a challenge to you to write your own version. Pick a phrase that means a lot to you and find words that describe you to make your own little poem. :)

"Selected by Him" by Mattie Radke
I am Strong
I am Educated
I am Loving
I am Elect
I am Compassionate
I am Thoughtful
I am Elegant
I am Devoted 

I am Beautiful
I am extraordinarY

I am Helpful 

I am Intelligent 

I am Mattie

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I'm trying every day to be better, but sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes all I can do is go to work and come home and sleep because I'm exhausted from trying. Sometimes I feel like the last four years have STRETCHED ME OUT beyond recognition. I am soo not the same person I was four years ago.

Sometimes it's hard to apply the things that I know. I know that God has a plan for me...but sometimes it's hard to accept that His plan is different than mine. I know that God trusts me...but sometimes it's hard for me to trust His trust in me. But yesterday, when I was in the temple, I had a thought. All I can do is try. I am not perfect. I am human–I have too many emotions and I make mistakes all the time. But...I keep trying. And that is all that He asks me to do. 

I'm so excited for the month of July! My family is going on vacation this week and then I am going to New York next week!! I am hoping that getting out of my normal routine for a couple of weeks will be good for me! I am so pleased with how everything has been coming together and I am grateful for the chance to get away for a bit!

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I am sometimes hard to work with, but I am grateful for their continued support and love. I hope that I will be able to make my Heavenly Parents and my Savior proud of me in the years to come. I am trying hard to be better than my emotions and my mental illnesses but sometimes it's hard. So I'm grateful to have my Savior to depend on and turn to, and I am grateful to have my Heavenly Father's love and support. I am grateful to have Him standing beside me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Christ can take our pain and make it into a blessing.

This week has been crazy–what with finishing my last finals, starting my job full-time, and technically kind of having an emotional breakdown as one chapter of my life was ending and a new one is beginning. I think that I've felt every emotion under the sun and then some this week.

Learning patience, tolerance, and other emotions like that sucks. I wish that I could just see where God wants me to be. Or what He wants me to do. Or learn. I wish I could trust Him more in different aspects of my life. It's rough, you know? I just want to be with someone who will make me happy who I can make happy, and who I can build a life with...but my life is more than just a path, more than just a journey, more than just a destination...my life is a CHANCE. A chance to be someone better. A chance at happiness. And it starts with me. Even if I already feel like I've been doing everything right, God knows when the TIMING is right.

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Brother Smith talked in sacrament meeting about a few scriptures in the 2nd Epistle of Peter, and there were a few things that he talked about that I wanted to mention. He asked a question: How do we get from faith to charity? And then he answered the question. My favorite thing that he talked about was the definition of virtue. He said that virtue means to do good, and to be good, and I loved that! It gave a new meaning to the scripture "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly". Virtue is goodness and if we let GOODNESS garnish our thoughts, life will be better.

In Relief Society, we talked about the General Conference talk by Tad R. Callister entitled "The Atonement of Jesus Christ" and I loved all of the comments and the direction that the discussion went in.

We talked about forgiveness, and how forgiveness comes from love. We talked about how God's forgiveness and forgiveness from others in our life are not entangled together. You can still be forgiven by God, even if those in our life do not forgive us. I thought that was a beautiful thought. No matter what happens, you can be forgiven by God.

We talked about how people can CHANGE and how we need to see people as they ARE and not as they WERE. I think that this is such an important reminder–not only about others, but as ourselves, too. I know that I have struggled with this at times in my life, but I am not the same person as I was. Even if it doesn't seem like I have changed much sometimes, I know deep down that I have changed a lot. I need to let myself stay changed, and we need to let others stay changed.

Our Savior is always with us–and no matter what we go through, He will be there to strengthen us. He will be there to help us deal with the pain, and the struggles, and He will be there to help us learn and grow from it. He will be there to help us find the blessings in our trials.

I have two things to share now. One is a little thought I had during the last little bit of Relief Society.

TRUST. Trust is HARD. Trusting a Being that you can't see is hard, too. 

PATIENCE. Patience is HARD. Patiently waiting for blessings to come is hard, too. 

FAITH. Faith is HARD. Having faith that everything will turn out all right is hard, too. 

Faith is the pathway to happiness. As we trust the Lord, and are patient, those things that we want will come in time. 

The other thing is this: life is easier said than done. But as we take little steps in the direction that we want, God will bless us with the confirmation that it is right, or the knowledge that it is not right. I am still learning to accept this, and to accept that right now, God wants me to choose of the things that I have been pondering, and that any one of them is going to be right. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED that I am going to make the wrong decision...but I need to trust that God will take the one I choose and use it to help me grow and change.

Xoxo
Mattie

New understandings.

Can't believe this week IS IT! This is my LAST WEEK OF COLLEGE!

This week, I have been struggling to focus on school. I'm just so ready to be done and I am very anxious for my finals. But I think that everything will be okay in the end.

I did a lot of pondering during church today. It was pretty therapeutic, and I am grateful for some of the thoughts that I had.

My life is my life, and God has a unique plan for me.

There was this quote that I saw on Facebook that I loved:

I had never thought about it in that way before. There are things I need to learn right now...and I need to learn them by myself. As I am waiting, I can learn to have more faith. I can have a stronger character. And I can keep hoping. It's so hard sometimes. It's really hard, actually. Sometimes I'm okay with life...and sometimes I get really sad about it. It's hard to remember that my worth is constant, and solely based on the fact that I am a child of God. It's hard to remember that I am a PERSON first. It's hard to see what kinds of things I might need to learn right now. It's hard to see what kinds of things I have to give to the world. 

It's also sometimes hard to remember I don't need to have anything specific to be happy. I get to CHOOSE whether or not I am happy every day. I need to remember to turn to my Savior and lean on Him. And sometimes it's difficult. My depression and anxiety don't always help. I think that I need to focus on my testimony right now. And my mental health. It is okay for me to feel sad. But I can't let it overwhelm me. I can't let my sadness get to me. I have to be patient. 

It's kinda funny...right as I was writing about having to be patient, the second speaker in sacrament meeting was starting his talk, which was about...PATIENCE. 

While he was talking, I kept thinking about a lot of different things that I need to work on. I think that I need to gain a new understanding of patience and work on it. I also need to figure out what "trusting the Lord" means to me. 

One important thing that I was thinking about was how I need to make time to go to the temple each week. I can't not go. It drives me crazy when I don't go. I receive more peace, understanding, and blessings when I go and I am able to realign my views on life. I know that this will bless me because when I was going every week earlier this year, my life was better. My life is better with the Gospel–it's better with the temple, and it's better with the Lord.

I'm very excited to be done with school this week! I am excited to begin working full-time at the daycare! I love the kiddos so much and am so grateful for all the things that they teach me! 

Happy Sunday! Have a great week! :)

Xoxo

Mattie

This is me trying.

Baby Mattie

My baptism day – February 5, 2005

My Primary class in 2005

Pretty sure this baby is Lander but
I'm like 75% sure. So...not sure. Lol.

College graduation day! April 26th, 2019

So here are five pictures of me over the course of my life. As you can see, they are undeniably me–they all have the same cute, goofy smile and the same nose–both of which I sometimes am not a fan of because of a reason but if I tell you that reason, I am afraid you will see it, too, and I don't want to make it real for my friends and family. ANYWAY. I digress.

It's been quite a week. I have been thinking a lot about myself–about the past, about the future, about where I have been, and about where I am currently going. I had my last therapy session on Friday–last because I am graduating and will no longer be able to go see my counselor on campus–and it was kind of really sad but it was a good session. I've really come a long way these past almost two years and I am so blessed to have been able to have been taught by him. I have learned and grown a lot, and I am in a far better place now than I was then.

I am still not perfect. I still get deep bouts of depression, and I don't think I have gone a day without at least some kind of anxiety-driving experience. I still get sad about the things that I don't really have control over and I turn it into "something is wrong with me". I still get sad about how I feel like I don't have a purpose. All the sad things. Sometimes I don't even know why I am sad. I just am sad. I still have moments–sometimes days–where I just am not. feeling. motivated. At all. I just want to sleep all the days. Or I am so very tired, but I literally can't sleep. Or I want to watch something but then when I turn it on I don't even pay attention anymore. It's like I didn't really want to watch it, I just didn't want to be alone. All these things and more.

But.

I try to push myself. I try to at least get SOMETHING finished during the day–whether it be finishing making my lunch, finishing listening to a whole song, or finishing reading a chapter, page, paragraph, or sentence. I try to vocally shut down negative thoughts. I try to text or tell someone when I am feeling depressed or anxious so that I can remember that there are people who care about me. I try to pray to my Father in Heaven. I try to get up and move. I try to keep going. Because I know that if I stop...I won't want to get up. I won't want to keep going. And even though when I am depressed I really don't want to get up or keep going...I make myself do those things. I make myself get up.

I know that God wants me to keep going. I know that He wants me to keep trying. He is cheering me on and I have a whole team behind me. Those here on Earth, and those who have already passed on. I am NEVER alone. And that's the truth. And I am trying to remember that. I am trying to remember that I have a purpose. I am trying to remember that I am first and foremost a human being. I am trying to remember that there is more to life than marriage and family. There is so much to be grateful for in this world! There is so much JOY! I have so much love to give and I am just struggling to find where I can give it. I am hoping that after school is over (six days of actual school and three days of finals left!!!) I will be able to focus more on getting my physical life in order (note: this means clean my room 🤣) so that my mental life can then be the main focus of my life.

God is great, you guys. I promise. I know that I am where I am today because of Him. I know that after this chapter of my life (school) closes, I will be a little lost and confused for a time but I am hoping that the ideas that I have been pondering these last few months will help me find my way again, and I am hoping that I will be able to find/see my purpose as I begin to work full-time with the kiddos at the daycare. I am so excited to help them learn and grow!

Happy summer! Hope y'all have a WONDERFUL week!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

There is a time and a season for all things.

This past week has been really rough as I have been getting back into my schoolwork and my jobs while still trying to take things easy as I'm healing from my appendectomy. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. But not only have my friends, family, employers, and teachers been so loving and understanding, so has my Heavenly Father.

I went to the temple with a friend yesterday, and I had an amazing time, as always. I got to do some sealings for some of my ancestors, and it was the first time I have done sealings before. It was really amazing! I can't even imagine how happy they must be to be sealed to their parents! One of my favorite things that I kept hearing as he was doing all of the ordinances was the part where it said something like, "it is as if you were born in the covenant" and I thought that that was so beautiful. There is no difference between being born in the covenant and being sealed into the covenant. I loved that. 💜

Afterwards, we went to sit in the celestial room for a bit, and I was praying really hard for an answer to something that has been on my mind for many, many months. How to be happy where I am. And how to see and find my purpose. These are a few questions that I have been wrestling with for a long time. It has been difficult for me to find the answers to these.

After we left the celestial room and headed out to get changed, I sat for a second and wrote down some of my thoughts. In the past, when I have gone to do baptisms, I usually take a notebook and sit in the chapel and write some of my thoughts before I head home. Usually, I just put my pen to the paper and the words just flow. I have no real conscious thought of what I'm writing, and I know that what I am writing is what God wants me to know and remember. Anyway, I did that yesterday and wanted to share my thoughts because I think it's important. 

There is a time and a season for all things. It is my season of single-hood right now but that does not mean that I am anything less. I am a whole daughter of God looking for a whole partner. I'm not a half daughter of God looking for someone to complete me. I am already complete.

My favorite lines are 'there is a time and a season for all things' and 'I am already complete'. I feel like these two concepts are something that I have been struggling with for a long time, and I think it is a little ironic that they are the answers to one of my prayers. I am grateful, however, that I was able to receive this inspiration. It's a good reminder to me that I am already whole. I am already complete. I am already good enough. I don't need someone to complete me.

It's also a good reminder that life is about change and growth. There is a time and a season for all things. Unless you live in Utah, typically there are 3-ish or so months per season. There is a time for spring. A time for summer. Fall. And winter. Sometimes I feel like school has been my season of winter 🤣 and I am so ready for spring! 🌺 But I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to go to school, and to get an education. I am grateful for the growth and learning that I have gained and received, and I am grateful for the chance that I have had to study at Brigham Young University. It has been an amazing blessing, and I have met so many amazing people that I am glad to call my friends!

While I was sitting in sacrament meeting today, I was just writing and writing in my notebook, and I wrote a few things that I wanted to share. One of them was, "Everything happens for a reason, and God knows why. So I have to trust Him. I have to trust that I am where I am for a reason. I have to trust that I am who I am for a reason. As I make time for the scriptures, and for my relationship with the Lord, I will be blessed, and I will feel peace." I know that this is true. I know that I can learn and grow in all of the challenges and trials in my life.

The last thing is this:

Find joy in the journey.
Find the positive.
Find my purpose. 

Give my all.
Give my heart.
Give my time.
REMEMBER HIM.

Life will always be hard. There will always be challenges. There will always be trials. God will always ask us to do things that we don't always want to do. But I know that they will help us grow. I probably won't always entirely know the reason why things do or don't happen in this life, but I know that God always knows why. And that is enough for me. Because even when I forget, and even when I am struggling, He always knows why things happen. And He sends me beautiful little reminders every day that things will all be okay. 

Xoxo
Mattie