Faith in the Father.

For the sacrament hymn today, we sang As Now We Take the Sacrament, and the third verse really hit me.

"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."

I'm trying SO HARD to accept the path that He has in store for me but it's really hard. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but then I have a really hard day and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I know that we all have our own paths but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to accept the path that God has for me, especially when I'm not really sure exactly what that path is.

Yesterday I went to the temple and it was SO needed! I received much peace and love from my Heavenly Father. But it's still hard. I'm trying to live my life and it's okay most of the time. But there are moments when it's not okay. There are moments when I am not okay. AND THAT IS OKAY. I need to be PATIENT. It's HARD but I know that it will be worth it. I need to focus on the things that I am DOING and remember to trust Him. He trusts me to choose the direction I want to go, apparently, so I can do any of the things I've been pondering about lately. I just need to choose and have faith in Him.

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I had a moment the other day where I was writing some things down. One is not necessarily anything special–it's not a poem or anything but it means something to me.

I feel unrecognizable. I look in the mirror and I see myself...but I don't recognize myself. Some days I am happier than I can remember. But some days I am sadder than ever. 

I think I have been stretched beyond recognition these past few years and I hope that is a good thing. I hope I am a new person–a better person–than I was at the start of my last chapter. This new chapter is going to be difficult–lots of new experiences, friends, and trials–but I just need to take things one page...one sentence...one word...one letter at a time.

One is a poem and I thought that it was helpful for me to write–I got to see my relationship with myself and with God in words–so I wanted to share and give a challenge to you to write your own version. Pick a phrase that means a lot to you and find words that describe you to make your own little poem. :)

"Selected by Him" by Mattie Radke
I am Strong
I am Educated
I am Loving
I am Elect
I am Compassionate
I am Thoughtful
I am Elegant
I am Devoted 

I am Beautiful
I am extraordinarY

I am Helpful 

I am Intelligent 

I am Mattie

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I'm trying every day to be better, but sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes all I can do is go to work and come home and sleep because I'm exhausted from trying. Sometimes I feel like the last four years have STRETCHED ME OUT beyond recognition. I am soo not the same person I was four years ago.

Sometimes it's hard to apply the things that I know. I know that God has a plan for me...but sometimes it's hard to accept that His plan is different than mine. I know that God trusts me...but sometimes it's hard for me to trust His trust in me. But yesterday, when I was in the temple, I had a thought. All I can do is try. I am not perfect. I am human–I have too many emotions and I make mistakes all the time. But...I keep trying. And that is all that He asks me to do. 

I'm so excited for the month of July! My family is going on vacation this week and then I am going to New York next week!! I am hoping that getting out of my normal routine for a couple of weeks will be good for me! I am so pleased with how everything has been coming together and I am grateful for the chance to get away for a bit!

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I am sometimes hard to work with, but I am grateful for their continued support and love. I hope that I will be able to make my Heavenly Parents and my Savior proud of me in the years to come. I am trying hard to be better than my emotions and my mental illnesses but sometimes it's hard. So I'm grateful to have my Savior to depend on and turn to, and I am grateful to have my Heavenly Father's love and support. I am grateful to have Him standing beside me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Christ can take our pain and make it into a blessing.

This week has been crazy–what with finishing my last finals, starting my job full-time, and technically kind of having an emotional breakdown as one chapter of my life was ending and a new one is beginning. I think that I've felt every emotion under the sun and then some this week.

Learning patience, tolerance, and other emotions like that sucks. I wish that I could just see where God wants me to be. Or what He wants me to do. Or learn. I wish I could trust Him more in different aspects of my life. It's rough, you know? I just want to be with someone who will make me happy who I can make happy, and who I can build a life with...but my life is more than just a path, more than just a journey, more than just a destination...my life is a CHANCE. A chance to be someone better. A chance at happiness. And it starts with me. Even if I already feel like I've been doing everything right, God knows when the TIMING is right.

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Brother Smith talked in sacrament meeting about a few scriptures in the 2nd Epistle of Peter, and there were a few things that he talked about that I wanted to mention. He asked a question: How do we get from faith to charity? And then he answered the question. My favorite thing that he talked about was the definition of virtue. He said that virtue means to do good, and to be good, and I loved that! It gave a new meaning to the scripture "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly". Virtue is goodness and if we let GOODNESS garnish our thoughts, life will be better.

In Relief Society, we talked about the General Conference talk by Tad R. Callister entitled "The Atonement of Jesus Christ" and I loved all of the comments and the direction that the discussion went in.

We talked about forgiveness, and how forgiveness comes from love. We talked about how God's forgiveness and forgiveness from others in our life are not entangled together. You can still be forgiven by God, even if those in our life do not forgive us. I thought that was a beautiful thought. No matter what happens, you can be forgiven by God.

We talked about how people can CHANGE and how we need to see people as they ARE and not as they WERE. I think that this is such an important reminder–not only about others, but as ourselves, too. I know that I have struggled with this at times in my life, but I am not the same person as I was. Even if it doesn't seem like I have changed much sometimes, I know deep down that I have changed a lot. I need to let myself stay changed, and we need to let others stay changed.

Our Savior is always with us–and no matter what we go through, He will be there to strengthen us. He will be there to help us deal with the pain, and the struggles, and He will be there to help us learn and grow from it. He will be there to help us find the blessings in our trials.

I have two things to share now. One is a little thought I had during the last little bit of Relief Society.

TRUST. Trust is HARD. Trusting a Being that you can't see is hard, too. 

PATIENCE. Patience is HARD. Patiently waiting for blessings to come is hard, too. 

FAITH. Faith is HARD. Having faith that everything will turn out all right is hard, too. 

Faith is the pathway to happiness. As we trust the Lord, and are patient, those things that we want will come in time. 

The other thing is this: life is easier said than done. But as we take little steps in the direction that we want, God will bless us with the confirmation that it is right, or the knowledge that it is not right. I am still learning to accept this, and to accept that right now, God wants me to choose of the things that I have been pondering, and that any one of them is going to be right. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED that I am going to make the wrong decision...but I need to trust that God will take the one I choose and use it to help me grow and change.

Xoxo
Mattie

New understandings.

Can't believe this week IS IT! This is my LAST WEEK OF COLLEGE!

This week, I have been struggling to focus on school. I'm just so ready to be done and I am very anxious for my finals. But I think that everything will be okay in the end.

I did a lot of pondering during church today. It was pretty therapeutic, and I am grateful for some of the thoughts that I had.

My life is my life, and God has a unique plan for me.

There was this quote that I saw on Facebook that I loved:

I had never thought about it in that way before. There are things I need to learn right now...and I need to learn them by myself. As I am waiting, I can learn to have more faith. I can have a stronger character. And I can keep hoping. It's so hard sometimes. It's really hard, actually. Sometimes I'm okay with life...and sometimes I get really sad about it. It's hard to remember that my worth is constant, and solely based on the fact that I am a child of God. It's hard to remember that I am a PERSON first. It's hard to see what kinds of things I might need to learn right now. It's hard to see what kinds of things I have to give to the world. 

It's also sometimes hard to remember I don't need to have anything specific to be happy. I get to CHOOSE whether or not I am happy every day. I need to remember to turn to my Savior and lean on Him. And sometimes it's difficult. My depression and anxiety don't always help. I think that I need to focus on my testimony right now. And my mental health. It is okay for me to feel sad. But I can't let it overwhelm me. I can't let my sadness get to me. I have to be patient. 

It's kinda funny...right as I was writing about having to be patient, the second speaker in sacrament meeting was starting his talk, which was about...PATIENCE. 

While he was talking, I kept thinking about a lot of different things that I need to work on. I think that I need to gain a new understanding of patience and work on it. I also need to figure out what "trusting the Lord" means to me. 

One important thing that I was thinking about was how I need to make time to go to the temple each week. I can't not go. It drives me crazy when I don't go. I receive more peace, understanding, and blessings when I go and I am able to realign my views on life. I know that this will bless me because when I was going every week earlier this year, my life was better. My life is better with the Gospel–it's better with the temple, and it's better with the Lord.

I'm very excited to be done with school this week! I am excited to begin working full-time at the daycare! I love the kiddos so much and am so grateful for all the things that they teach me! 

Happy Sunday! Have a great week! :)

Xoxo

Mattie

This is me trying.

Baby Mattie

My baptism day – February 5, 2005

My Primary class in 2005

Pretty sure this baby is Lander but
I'm like 75% sure. So...not sure. Lol.

College graduation day! April 26th, 2019

So here are five pictures of me over the course of my life. As you can see, they are undeniably me–they all have the same cute, goofy smile and the same nose–both of which I sometimes am not a fan of because of a reason but if I tell you that reason, I am afraid you will see it, too, and I don't want to make it real for my friends and family. ANYWAY. I digress.

It's been quite a week. I have been thinking a lot about myself–about the past, about the future, about where I have been, and about where I am currently going. I had my last therapy session on Friday–last because I am graduating and will no longer be able to go see my counselor on campus–and it was kind of really sad but it was a good session. I've really come a long way these past almost two years and I am so blessed to have been able to have been taught by him. I have learned and grown a lot, and I am in a far better place now than I was then.

I am still not perfect. I still get deep bouts of depression, and I don't think I have gone a day without at least some kind of anxiety-driving experience. I still get sad about the things that I don't really have control over and I turn it into "something is wrong with me". I still get sad about how I feel like I don't have a purpose. All the sad things. Sometimes I don't even know why I am sad. I just am sad. I still have moments–sometimes days–where I just am not. feeling. motivated. At all. I just want to sleep all the days. Or I am so very tired, but I literally can't sleep. Or I want to watch something but then when I turn it on I don't even pay attention anymore. It's like I didn't really want to watch it, I just didn't want to be alone. All these things and more.

But.

I try to push myself. I try to at least get SOMETHING finished during the day–whether it be finishing making my lunch, finishing listening to a whole song, or finishing reading a chapter, page, paragraph, or sentence. I try to vocally shut down negative thoughts. I try to text or tell someone when I am feeling depressed or anxious so that I can remember that there are people who care about me. I try to pray to my Father in Heaven. I try to get up and move. I try to keep going. Because I know that if I stop...I won't want to get up. I won't want to keep going. And even though when I am depressed I really don't want to get up or keep going...I make myself do those things. I make myself get up.

I know that God wants me to keep going. I know that He wants me to keep trying. He is cheering me on and I have a whole team behind me. Those here on Earth, and those who have already passed on. I am NEVER alone. And that's the truth. And I am trying to remember that. I am trying to remember that I have a purpose. I am trying to remember that I am first and foremost a human being. I am trying to remember that there is more to life than marriage and family. There is so much to be grateful for in this world! There is so much JOY! I have so much love to give and I am just struggling to find where I can give it. I am hoping that after school is over (six days of actual school and three days of finals left!!!) I will be able to focus more on getting my physical life in order (note: this means clean my room 🤣) so that my mental life can then be the main focus of my life.

God is great, you guys. I promise. I know that I am where I am today because of Him. I know that after this chapter of my life (school) closes, I will be a little lost and confused for a time but I am hoping that the ideas that I have been pondering these last few months will help me find my way again, and I am hoping that I will be able to find/see my purpose as I begin to work full-time with the kiddos at the daycare. I am so excited to help them learn and grow!

Happy summer! Hope y'all have a WONDERFUL week!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

There is a time and a season for all things.

This past week has been really rough as I have been getting back into my schoolwork and my jobs while still trying to take things easy as I'm healing from my appendectomy. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. But not only have my friends, family, employers, and teachers been so loving and understanding, so has my Heavenly Father.

I went to the temple with a friend yesterday, and I had an amazing time, as always. I got to do some sealings for some of my ancestors, and it was the first time I have done sealings before. It was really amazing! I can't even imagine how happy they must be to be sealed to their parents! One of my favorite things that I kept hearing as he was doing all of the ordinances was the part where it said something like, "it is as if you were born in the covenant" and I thought that that was so beautiful. There is no difference between being born in the covenant and being sealed into the covenant. I loved that. 💜

Afterwards, we went to sit in the celestial room for a bit, and I was praying really hard for an answer to something that has been on my mind for many, many months. How to be happy where I am. And how to see and find my purpose. These are a few questions that I have been wrestling with for a long time. It has been difficult for me to find the answers to these.

After we left the celestial room and headed out to get changed, I sat for a second and wrote down some of my thoughts. In the past, when I have gone to do baptisms, I usually take a notebook and sit in the chapel and write some of my thoughts before I head home. Usually, I just put my pen to the paper and the words just flow. I have no real conscious thought of what I'm writing, and I know that what I am writing is what God wants me to know and remember. Anyway, I did that yesterday and wanted to share my thoughts because I think it's important. 

There is a time and a season for all things. It is my season of single-hood right now but that does not mean that I am anything less. I am a whole daughter of God looking for a whole partner. I'm not a half daughter of God looking for someone to complete me. I am already complete.

My favorite lines are 'there is a time and a season for all things' and 'I am already complete'. I feel like these two concepts are something that I have been struggling with for a long time, and I think it is a little ironic that they are the answers to one of my prayers. I am grateful, however, that I was able to receive this inspiration. It's a good reminder to me that I am already whole. I am already complete. I am already good enough. I don't need someone to complete me.

It's also a good reminder that life is about change and growth. There is a time and a season for all things. Unless you live in Utah, typically there are 3-ish or so months per season. There is a time for spring. A time for summer. Fall. And winter. Sometimes I feel like school has been my season of winter 🤣 and I am so ready for spring! 🌺 But I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to go to school, and to get an education. I am grateful for the growth and learning that I have gained and received, and I am grateful for the chance that I have had to study at Brigham Young University. It has been an amazing blessing, and I have met so many amazing people that I am glad to call my friends!

While I was sitting in sacrament meeting today, I was just writing and writing in my notebook, and I wrote a few things that I wanted to share. One of them was, "Everything happens for a reason, and God knows why. So I have to trust Him. I have to trust that I am where I am for a reason. I have to trust that I am who I am for a reason. As I make time for the scriptures, and for my relationship with the Lord, I will be blessed, and I will feel peace." I know that this is true. I know that I can learn and grow in all of the challenges and trials in my life.

The last thing is this:

Find joy in the journey.
Find the positive.
Find my purpose. 

Give my all.
Give my heart.
Give my time.
REMEMBER HIM.

Life will always be hard. There will always be challenges. There will always be trials. God will always ask us to do things that we don't always want to do. But I know that they will help us grow. I probably won't always entirely know the reason why things do or don't happen in this life, but I know that God always knows why. And that is enough for me. Because even when I forget, and even when I am struggling, He always knows why things happen. And He sends me beautiful little reminders every day that things will all be okay. 

Xoxo
Mattie

Sometimes our physical adventures can lead to spiritual adventures.

I am so blessed and grateful for modern-day medicine! Here's an update on what could be considered one of the craziest weeks–if not THE craziest week of my entire 22-year existence.

The moments that change our lives are random and unforeseen. However, it is up to us on how they change us. An experience like the one I am currently going through–having appendicitis and being confined to my house–could break me. If I let it. But it can also make me stronger. Which is what I am trying to get it to do. I am trying to learn and grow from it. And I am trying not to let it break me.

Tuesday night (May 21st, 2019) I went to bed around 11:30/11:45pm after doing my homework because my stomach had started bothering me, and I thought that a night of sleep would help me recuperate. I woke up at 2:10am with the pain about the same or worse. I woke up my parents, and after about 45 minutes of the pain being the same or worse, my dad took me to the emergency room at the hospital around 3:15am. They drew my blood for some tests, and took a CT scan, and when the doctor came in around 5:30am, he said it was a good thing I listened to my body because I had early appendicitis. They gave me some morphine to help with the pain, and eventually they gave me a little bit of oxygen because the morphine caused my body to slow down so much, the machine kept thinking that I had stopped breathing. 🤣

May 22nd, 2019 - Me with my best friend oxygen

They moved me to a pre-op room upstairs, where I waited for surgery. Surgery kept getting pushed back because they already had a bunch of scheduled surgeries and I was just going to be fit into whatever time they could fit me in (during this time, I met a super cute nurse who had recently gotten back from his mission early and he was hoping to be able to go back soon but wasn't sure if he would. I think I told him it will all work out, but I was so sleepy and drugged up that I can't remember 🤣). By the time I got taken up for surgery, it was probably 10:30/10:45am and I had been at the hospital for about 7 hours. I don't remember anything after they helped me get up on the operating table. When I woke up in post-op, I had a really hard time keeping my eyes opened. They wouldn't let me leave until I could keep down some water and I could walk around a bit. I finally got home around 2pm and just crashed. My doctor said that I couldn't go to work for about five days, so I made sure that I got my shifts covered for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and I let my professors know I wouldn't be in class Wednesday-Friday. 

Everyone has been SO kind, thoughtful, caring, and loving as I have been recovering! I really appreciate all the love and well-wishes! I am very grateful for the love of my Father in Heaven. He has sent me quite a few angels at this time in my life–and I am so grateful for their love and well-wishes. I appreciate those who have been praying for me, and for those who have sent me sweet messages and even get-well baskets. I am so thankful that I only had to miss three days of school and work, since Monday is Memorial Day and everything is closed/canceled that day anyway. I am so thankful for all of the time that I have had to rest and heal my body. I am feeling a lot better today than I have been the past few days, and even though I am going back to work and school on Tuesday, I am not going to be 100% yet for probably quite a few more days at the very least. 

I am grateful for the reminder that I am not alone, and that my Savior is with me, and understands me. He understands the pain I have been going through, and the suffering. Jesus suffered SO MUCH. He bled from every pore. He was whipped, hit upon, spit upon, and had a crown of thorns placed upon His head. He carried His cross up the hill to Calvary upon His back that had open wounds from being whipped and beaten. He had nails pounded into His wrists, His palms, and His feet. He died of a broken heart. He suffered for all the pains, sorrows, sins, afflictions, and temptations of the world. He suffered for you. He suffered for me. I am so thankful that I have had my Savior to turn to and to depend on in my times of need. 

In the April 2016 General Conference, then-President Uchtdorf said, "If a man can take the ruins, rubble, and remains of a broken city and rebuild an awe-inspiring structure that rises toward the heavens, how much more capable is our Almighty Father to restore His children who have fallen, struggled, or become lost? It matters not now how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trusted, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt...there is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored." 

I love this quote. It reminds me of 9 years ago, this December, when the Provo Tabernacle caught on fire, and ten months later in General Conference President Monson said that we would use the Tabernacle to make another holy temple for the Lord. That is what the Lord does with us. He takes us in our brokenness and helps us to lay a new foundation–one that can help us become more of a holy temple for the Lord.

In Luke 15, Jesus gives the parable of the lost sheep, the piece of silver, and the prodigal son. Now, if you know these stories, you might be questioning how they apply to my experience this week. I'll explain. 

Luke 15:4-5 says, "4 What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? 5 And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." 

In this parable, we are the sheep. Jesus is our Shepherd, and when we lose our way, we become the lost sheep. Now, this week, I didn't necessarily become 'lost' in the typical way we think of. I didn't stray off the path. I didn't fall away. But I did 'lose myself'. I had appendicitis. I had to go to the hospital. I had to take medicine that didn't always help me think clearly. I've been sleeping off and on for five days. I've had previous engagements that I had to cancel because I've been sick and recuperating. I kind of 'fell away' from the world for a bit. I've been homebound. I've felt alone, and lost. But my Savior has known where I have been the whole time. He has sent me angels, friends, ministers, and my family to 'find me'. To pick me up. To lead me home.

Luke 15:8-9 says, "8 Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it? 9 And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost."

In this parable, we are the pieces of silver. Jesus is the woman, and when we are lost, He does not stop searching till He finds us. In my pain this week, and in my sleeping it off, I might have become a little lost. I might have forgotten who I am. Whose I am. I might have forgotten that I have a loving Father in Heaven who cares for me. But He never forgot about me.

Luke 15:11-32 is a lot longer, so a few of my favorite scriptures from this parable are: "18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. 20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. 21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in they sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. 22 But the father said to his servants, Bring froth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet... 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry."

In this parable, we are the lost son. The prodigal son. I have heard that this parable should be called the parable of the prodigal sonS plural because even the son who stayed at home was also technically a prodigal son. Anyway, that is not the point of this parable in regards to my week. In regards to my week, I approached my dad and asked for help, much like the prodigal son who left. And my dad took me to the hospital, and gave me a blessing, and helped me get through this experience. 

One thing that I love about all of the parables that Jesus shares is how applicable they are to EVERYTHING. Until I was writing this, I never would have thought that I could apply the parables of the lost sheep, piece of silver, and son to an experience with appendicitis. But I can. And I did. And there is a lot more in our lives that we can apply these parables to.

I am grateful for my Father in Heaven, and for His love and support. I am grateful for my father on earth, who not only gave me a wonderful blessing last week right before my surgery, but a few weeks ago when I was struggling with school and life in general. I am grateful that I know that I am not lost to Him. I am grateful that I know that I am always within His sights. And I am grateful that I know that He loves me always, and has the greatest of plans for me.

Xoxo
Mattie

His love for me is greater than I can imagine.

God has an incredibly special plan for me.

I was just browsing Facebook, chilling, and looking at all of the things that my friends are doing in their lives...and I had that thought. "God has an incredibly special plan for me." For me. His plan for me is tailor-made for me. I don't entirely know what He has planned for me 🤣 but I am so excited to find out in time. Sometimes I wish I could find out faster...but that's not how it works.

This week has been incredibly long...and I had a lot that happened...but I am grateful that I have my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, to lean on.

One thing that has been incredibly difficult for me lately is that I have been struggling to find a balance. My schedule is incredibly busy and full right now, and I am struggling to find a balance between sleep, homework, school, work, and my rest and relaxation time. I am very excited that I have only ONE MONTH left of school!!! But I am incredibly disappointed that it is going by so slow. Please pray that I will have the patience to get through it! 🤣

I am very grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father, and for His kindness, and for His mercy. He loves me more than I can comprehend. I am grateful for the people that He sends into my life, and for the experiences that help me learn and grow. Even if I don't understand at the moment, and even if I don't ever understand in this life, I know that everything will come together in the end. It's sometimes hard to look at my life and realize that it's not where I thought I would be right now...but I am very grateful for where I am right now. I know that I've got a lot of growth to do, and I'm grateful that I have my Heavenly Father to help me.

I know that God has great blessings and plans for me. I know it. I know it's hard to see sometimes, and sometimes it's difficult to even believe that God's plan for me is better than the plans that I have for myself, but I know that He and I discussed my life here on Earth, and I agreed to it. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I thought that I would be able to handle it with His help. And He knows that I can handle it with His help. And, as I look back on my life...I know that I can handle it.

I hope ya'll have had a great weekend and that you have a wonderful week!! God loves you very much and I am so grateful for you!! I am grateful for your insights, your influence, your love, and your strength and determination to do what's right. I love you!

Xoxo
Mattie