Okay, I've done a lot of thinking in my spare time this past week as I've gotten ready for school to start, and I know it's only Saturday, and the time for my new blogpost is tomorrow, but I feel like this can't wait. I have to say it now. So here goes:
First things first–I always have WAY too much time on my hands hahaha :) Hopefully I'll be able to use it wisely this semester/year.
Second–I love things too hard. Ok, maybe not too hard, but I do love things an awful lot, and sometimes that is too much. Because when things change, it's hard for me to deal with them.
Third–I've realized that I can't always explain why I feel a certain way, or why it's hard for me, etc.
I'm not gonna lie–the first thing is just there just because three things are better than two things. The second one has an impact on the third one, however, and that last one is a little frustrating. Because if I can't explain it, then how in the world am I supposed to be able to figure out how to deal with it? The answer is that sometimes I can't.
That's it. That's the all knowing secret to the ins and outs of Mattie.
Sometimes I just. Don't. Know. And sometimes I just can't.
It's not something that I think I'll ever be able to explain or figure out in this life. But I promise you that I am trying.
I am trying to figure out why sometimes I get so excited about things.
I am trying to figure out why sometimes it's hard for me when things change–from something as simple as taking a different route to school to something as difficult as not seeing or talking to someone as often as you're used to.
I am trying to figure out why sometimes it's really easy for me to let go of me and just be outgoing and have fun, and why sometimes it's not and I just want to curl up in the corner and read a book.
I am trying to figure me out. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's frustrating (It seems I have, at the very least, two VERY opposite sides of me, which can be very hard to deal with).
I'm hoping that this year will be THE year. The year that I figure a lot of things out. I'm hoping that this year things will change for the better. I already am 97% positive that one thing has changed, and it has definitely been extremely hard (and at times, a little heartbreaking) but I think that, in the end, it will help me be more in the moment, and more focused. I have another thing that is changing and I know that it will be infinitely more difficult than the first thing, but I hope and pray that, in the end, it will help me be stronger, and be more sincere, and I hope it will help me cherish the people in my life better.
I know that things will be rough for a little bit while I get used to a new schedule, and new circumstances, and I'm sure that there will be some tears (I'll be okay though :D) but in the end, I will come out a stronger and better me, who is way more in control of her emotions (HA! Oops–I meant hopefully).
I know that God will be with me through this rough patch. He's been with me already. He's never left. I'm grateful for His hand in my life, and for His love and grace. I don't think I've ever needed Him more than while I've been away at school, dealing with new changes and new circumstances. I mean, yes, there was my super rough patch several years ago, and I needed Him then, and it was so hard, and He came through exactly at the right time, but this is way different. This is me trying to still get past that (I feel like I'm on the last hurdle and I can start sprinting to the end soon) and trying to grow up, and overcome it wholly. This is me trying to figure my life out, and where I stand, and who I want to stand with. God has placed people in my life that taught me lessons, and were blessings, and some who were both. And I am so grateful for the lessons I've learned, the blessings I've received, and the friends that I have made–I cherish them all. This is me trying to find me. I've had some trouble with that lately, I think, but I think I wasn't quite ready to find me yet. I wanted to, but I wasn't ready. This time, though...this time, I think I'm ready. This time, I can make the leap to finding myself. This time, I can do it. And God will be there.
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