I honestly don't know why I'm writing this post. I never thought that I would need to write this. But last week, I felt like I needed to. So I started it. I've been working on it, on and off, every day this week. It's a little long, and a little scattered, but hopefully I will get my intended message across.
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The answer? I feel like I need to be perfect.
I know it's not expected of me, and I don't expect it of others (we're all human), but I just expect it of myself. And I don't know why.
sometimes i will let myself not be perfect. and for that one moment, everything is perfect. and then that moment ends. And I go back–to overthinking, to anxiety. {Sorry about the Tangled quote, there...actually, no, I'm not}
For some bizarre reason, I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. And I know that it's a little bit ridiculous.
I'm sure that we've all felt like this at times. Some more than others, but I think almost everyone has felt this desire–this need to be perfect at/in everything all the time–at some point in their life.
For me, this desire brings about anxiety and stress. I honestly so try hard to not let it get to me. But sometimes it's hard. Especially this semester. This semester it has been really hard. I've struggled with several things–from consistent and personal scripture study/prayer, to accepting the fact that people act and react in different ways and just because they don't react the way that I expected/wanted them to doesn't mean that they don't like me/love me/accept me for who I am, to realizing there are some personal things about myself that I thought I had gotten past but really haven't yet.
Honestly I think the biggest reason why this has been so hard for me this semester is because I've struggled with accepting the fact that I don't know where my life is going, and I've struggled a bit with accepting that I am where I'm meant to be. I love where I am, but you know, I've got all these friends in my life who are out there, DOING something–they're on a mission, getting married, traveling across the country, etc.
Not that what I'm doing isn't important–getting an education is very important–I just feel like I don't get recognition for doing what I'm doing (College is HARD. Did you know that? It's SO difficult!). Not that I want it all the time, but just once it would be nice to hear, "You're doing great! I'm proud of you! Keep it up!" (Don't tell me that just because I told you I want to be told that). My top two love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, and, if I'm being honest, I feel like I don't get enough of them. This is possibly another reason as to why I do some of the things I do–I guess I try to make up for it [not getting enough love through my love languages] by giving love to others others–by bringing love and light to the lives of the people who are most important to me, and trying to lift them up and bring them a little bit of happiness, which also explains the need to constantly be there for said people in my life–I don't want them to feel like I do. Plus, I feel a lot better when I am making sure that other people are loved and happy.
Okay, now that I've talked about a few of the things that I'm feeling, and that you have probably felt sometimes, too, I'm going to share some thoughts from a few prophets and leaders of the Lord that address several of the things that I've brought up.
President Russell M. Nelson, then Elder Nelson, said in 1995, "The perfection that the Savior envisions for us is much more than errorless performance. It is the eternal expectation as expressed by the Lord in his great intercessory prayer to his Father—that we might be made perfect and be able to dwell with them in the eternities ahead." And it is not meant to be achieved in this life! He goes on to say that, "That Jesus attained eternal perfection following his resurrection is confirmed in the Book of Mormon... Resurrection is requisite for eternal perfection." God's purpose is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. We are meant to grow and become perfect with His help, but it will take time. So, even though at this time in my life I apparently feel like I need to be perfect right now (when I know that I am not expected to be 100% perfect now), I need to remember it takes time–to forgive, to heal, to repent, and to become perfected.
In 2002, President Monson said, "I have always felt that if we speak in generalities, we rarely have success; but if we speak in specifics, we will rarely have a failure. Therefore, I urge that you exemplify in your lives four tested, specific virtues. They are:
- 1. An attitude of gratitude,
- 2. A longing for learning,
- 3. A devotion to discipline, and
- 4. A willingness to work."
"Be grateful for your mother, for your father, for your family, and for your friends...They love you; they pray for you; they serve you. You are precious in their sight and in the sight of your Heavenly Father. He hears your prayers. He extends to you His peace and His love. Stay close to Him and to His Son, and you will not walk alone."
"We can find truth in the scriptures, the teachings of the prophets, the instructions from our parents, and the inspiration that comes to us as we bend our knees and seek the help of God."
"The battle for self-discipline may leave you a bit bruised and battered but always a better person. Self-discipline is a rigorous process at best; too many of us want it to be effortless and painless. Should temporary setbacks afflict us, a very significant part of our struggle for self-discipline is the determination and the courage to try again."
"President J. Reuben Clark, many years ago a counselor in the First Presidency, said: 'I believe that we are here to work, and I believe there is no escape from it. I think that we cannot get that thought into our souls and into our beings too soon. Work we must, if we shall succeed or if we shall advance. There is no other way.'"
I loved his talk! Focusing on specific goals and things to work on helps me get outside of me and not be so...I don't want to say self-centered because that's not exactly it but that's the only way I can think to say it. Anyway, I've found that having specific goals helps me be more aware of my surroundings and more aware of my Savior.
In a talk by Sister Elaine S. Dalton in 2004, the three topics she addresses are, "Believe in yourselves. Believe that you are never alone. Believe that you will always be guided."
- "Before you came to this earth you were tutored at your Father’s knee. You have been reserved to come to the earth for a special purpose. There are things for each of you to do that no one else can do as well. You have a destiny to fulfill. Your righteous example as one of the believers will make a difference in the world, so “be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:33)."
- "The Lord has promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88)."
- "Everything in the scriptures is applicable to our lives. The scriptures answer our questions, they provide role models and heroes, and they help us understand how to handle challenges and trials. Many times the scriptures you read will be the answer to your prayers."
I loved her talk. :) It was a good one to read. Believe in yourself! Believe in what you can do, in who you are, and in what you are capable of. Believe that you are loved and wanted. I have trouble with this sometimes (just as a whole, not specifically that last sentence). But I am working on it. :)
As I've been working on this post all week, I've been thinking and learning a lot about myself and the Lord. I've been working on my scripture study and prayers this week, and I've been doing really good this week. And because of that, I've felt at peace a lot this week. There are still some things that I didn't get answers to this week, which is okay–I think that the Lord is working on answering them. Sometimes you just have to have faith, and I do. Life is good. I love my Heavenly Father, I love my Savior, I love my family and friends. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to go to school here at BYU, and I'm grateful for the Bishopric and their wives. They are so amazing and wonderful and I love them. I'm also super grateful for my visiting teachers! They're super wonderful and always willing to help me and I'm so thankful for that. :) This has been a helpful week for me as I've been writing this post and finding/figuring some stuff out that I don't know to fix, but I know that Heavenly Father will help me fix them. In 1 John 4:18, it says, "18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I know that the Lord loves us all perfectly and wants to help us become better. And I know that His love makes everything better, and gets rid of the fear–it gets rid of the anxiety. When I remember, and focus on it, His love heals. And for that I am grateful. 
One last thought...here are a few songs that I loved and thought they encompassed what I've been trying to work on, what I've been feeling, and what the Lord does for you:He'll Carry You - Hilary Weeks ( LDS ) with Lyrics - YouTube
Colbie Caillat - Try - YouTube
Sometimes He Lets it Rain - YouTube
I love you and so does your Heavenly Father. Hope you have a lovely week!
Xoxo
Mattie
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