Humility in trials.

People go through many trials and challenges in life, each unique and personal. Some people lose their parents. Some people lose their children. Some people go through divorce. Some people experience natural disasters like earthquakes, fires, and hurricanes. Some people have health issues. 

I don't typically post too many details about it, but infertility has been a really challenging trial for me. While it is deeply personal and hard to talk about, especially in the Church, I appreciate the friends and family who've felt comfortable discussing their own infertility challenges with me while I'm going through my own; it's helped me not to feel alone.

Infertility treatments are expensive and not guaranteed. I hate that so much--recently, we spent a lot of money on the next procedure, not to mention all of the medications I needed to take, and it didn't work. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I can't do anything about it, but we were devastated when we found out it didn't work.

Moving forward is hard because I desperately want to try again, but the possibility that it won't work again looms over every thought. We're not made of money, and the procedures and medications are expensive and not covered by insurance. It's hard to make that decision, but we are trying to listen to the Holy Ghost to discern when it is time for us to make the next move forward.

I've been searching the Church's website for talks and scriptures to help me understand why trials occur and how to get through them when it feels like all hope is gone. In Mosiah 21: 5-14, the Nephites learn to humble themselves and turn to God:

5 And now the afflictions of the Nephites were great, and there was no way that they could deliver themselves out of their hands, for the Lamanites had surrounded them on every side.

6 And it came to pass that the people began to murmur with the king because of their afflictions; and they began to be desirous to go against them to battle. And they did afflict the king sorely with their complaints; therefore he granted unto them that they should do according to their desires.

7 And they gathered themselves together again, and put on their armor, and went forth against the Lamanites to drive them out of their land.

8 And it came to pass that the Lamanites did beat them, and drove them back, and slew many of them.

9 And now there was a great mourning and lamentation among the people of Limhi, the widow mourning for her husband, the son and the daughter mourning for their father, and the brothers for their brethren.

10 Now there were a great many widows in the land, and they did cry mightily from day to day, for a great fear of the Lamanites had come upon them.

11 And it came to pass that their continual cries did stir up the remainder of the people of Limhi to anger against the Lamanites; and they went again to battle, but they were driven back again, suffering much loss.

12 Yea, they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner; and those that were not slain returned again to the city of Nephi.

13 And they did humble themselves even to the dust, subjecting themselves to the yoke of bondage, submitting themselves to be smitten, and to be driven to and fro, and burdened, according to the desires of their enemies.

14 And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that he would deliver them out of their afflictions.

The purpose of trials is to help us humble ourselves and turn to God. But what happens when we feel like we have already humbled ourselves and turned to Him, but we still have not received answers or are still feeling lost?

I asked my brother, who is serving his mission, this question, and he shared Ether 12:27 with me, and I was really drawn to Ether 12:28, as well.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

He shows us our weaknesses, but He also shows us that faith, hope, and charity bring us closer to Him, as well as to righteousness. 

In Elder Renlund's talk "The Powerful, Virtuous Cycle of the Doctrine of Christ" from the past April 2024 General Conference, he says the following:

"Spiritual momentum is created “over a lifetime as we repeatedly embrace the doctrine of Christ.” Doing so, President Russell M. Nelson taught, produces a “powerful virtuous cycle.” Indeed, the elements of the doctrine of Christ—such as faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, entering a covenant relationship with the Lord through baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end—are not intended to be experienced as one-time, check-the-box events. In particular, “enduring to the end” is not really a separate step in the doctrine of Christ—as though we complete the first four elements and then hunker down, grit our teeth, and wait to die. No, enduring to the end is repeatedly and iteratively applying the other elements of the doctrine of Christ, creating the “powerful virtuous cycle” that President Nelson described."

We are not meant to know all things in this life--the purpose of this life is to learn and grow and have faith in Jesus Christ. 

Life is HARD, and while I don't understand the purpose of this trial in my life, and I struggle with it daily, feeling very lost and alone at times, I know I can turn to my Savior for peace. 

Ricky and I went to the Payson Temple yesterday to do sealings, and even though I didn't receive a specific answer (and even left with more questions), I still felt peace. I spent a lot of time after our time in the temple thinking about how, right now, just sitting in the temple is often more precious to me than doing ordinances. While I love doing the ordinances, lately, it seems all I can hear is "and mother" in all of the ordinances, which is a little painful and hard for me to not think about. I often think about Jesse, how grateful I am for the Plan of Salvation, and for the blessings of eternal families. 

I am grateful for my sweetheart and the sweet opportunity we had last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. Year five has started off great and I can't wait to see where it takes us.

I hope this Sunday has been a peaceful Sunday for you and yours. I know that God loves us always, and that He cares for us more than we will ever know.

Xoxo

Mattie