He is already here.

"He is Already Here"
--Mattie Velasquez, March 30th, 2024

 I had this beautiful idea in my head Friday night after my orchestra concert of a meaningful image of the sacrifice and love of our Savior. I spent many hours working on it, wanting to get it right because this idea was too precious not to share. 

One of my favorite talks about Easter is from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from General Conference in October 2006. In his talk, he states:

"I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross. 

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth. Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. 

On that day they stood triumphant. On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain. Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross. 

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies. 

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled. It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God. 

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest."

Not only was that day the darkest day in the history of the world, but that day was the darkest in the life of Jesus Christ. For the Son of God--who exuded so much light, life, hope, and love--that Friday was His darkest moment. And He endured it for us. For those who love Him and try every day to be better people. For those who know of Him but do not know Him. For those who do not know of Him. For those who do not care. For all of us, regardless of our relationship with Him or lack thereof, He suffered the most--He endured the darkest day--for us. 

Elder Wirthlin continues, however:

"But the doom of that day did not endure. 

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind. 

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence. 

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. 

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. 

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

Grief is oftentimes the most overwhelming feeling to ever exist or feel. I think that is why there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes, it feels like our grief is neverending. The depth of our sorrow is incomprehensible to anyone but ourselves. Except for Him. He understands in ways that no one else does. He understands in ways that we can't even describe or fathom. For He endured it all. He has walked through it with us already. He has been there and will continue to be there for us.

Even though the darkness seems overwhelming at times...the light will come. No matter how overpowering the darkness...how endless it seems...the light is there. The Son will come. Because He is already here. 

He endured the darkest day in the history of the world so that we wouldn't have to. 

If that isn't love, I don't know what is. 

Happy Easter, my friends and loved ones. I cherish you all and wish you all the best. I hope you know how much your Savior loves you and how much I love you. I think of you often and pray for your health and happiness. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Faith means moving forward anyway.

We have been studying The Book of Mormon this year, and I am amazed at the answers and revelations found in The Book of Mormon. Nephi tells us several times that even though he struggled to believe in the words of his father at one time, he chose to ask God, and prayed to understand the words of his father.

1 love that we can see that even Nephi had questions, but he chose to turn to God and ask for clarification and answers. In 1 Nephi 15:11, Nephi asks Laman and Lemuel, "Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?--If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you."

There is a reason that faith is the first principle and ordinance of the gospel. We must ask God in faith, trusting that the Lord will provide answers, peace, guidance, and direction.

I just had the most powerful thought about The Book of Mormon based on the principles and ordinances of the gospel. Remember, they are faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism by immersion for the remission of sins, and laying on of hands by the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Throughout The Book of Mormon, we see these principles and ordinances.

First, faith. Nephi shows so much faith in the Lord Jesus Christ throughout his life.

Second, repentance. We see repentance throughout The Book of Mormon a lot, but especially in the book of Alma.

Third, baptism. We see baptism not only in the book of Alma but also in Helaman.

Fourth, laying on of hands by the gift of the Holy Ghost. We see this in Alma and in 4th Nephi.

I love that we see the principles and ordinances of the gospel cycle within not only each book within The Book of Mormon, but also throughout The Book of Mormon as a whole.

There are many answers to be discovered through the books within The Book of Mormon, and I know that those answers will change according to the season of life I am in.

I am grateful for the love of God that is shown throughout The Book of Mormon, and for the love that I see within my life. Though I do not have all the answers, I know God loves me. I don't know why we sometimes have to wait years for answers, but I know that by waiting, we can come to know the love of God more. In waiting, we find ways to move forward in faith anyway. I know that sometimes, the answers aren't what we sought. Instead, the answers we receive are the answers that we need to grow. There is pain and heartache in waiting for the answers we want, but there is also peace and growth in accepting the answers we receive.

I hope you have a wonderful week, full of peace and love.

Xoxo
Mattie

Finding yourself in the temple.

    Happy Sunday! It has been quite a while since I last posted. I have been quite busy! I have not only began selling items on my Etsy shop (please check it out if you want to support me!), but I have also started school again! I am getting a certificate in Graphic Design and an Associate of Applied Science Degree in Software Development (which includes a certificate in Computer Science). Because I have been doing a lot more crafts and graphic designing the last few years, I am wanting to pursue this work right now. I am grateful that Ricky is so loving and supportive of me as I am doing these things that I love! 

        P.S. He has recently started a new job and has also begun online school, so pray for us!

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    Today, Ricky and I had the opportunity to attend a session of the Orem Temple dedication. It was so special and powerful. I loved the Spirit that we felt and the messages that we heard. 

    President Nelson shared a special message in a video, and a couple of things he said touched me:

- Your Spirit will be healed and your mind enlightened (as you attend the temple).
- As we make the Lord and the temple the center of our lives, we will be blessed.

    There were three youth speakers, and I was very impressed with their talks! Each of them said something that I loved:

- We go to the temple to spend time with Jesus Christ.

- As we make time to go to the temple, we are blessed in many ways, including an increase of the Spirit.

- Turning to God gives us power over the adversary.

    We were able to hear from Elder Patrick Kearon, and he talked about how we can be found in the temple because we can find Jesus in the temple. I love this!! I actually was recently telling Ricky how I have been feeling a little lost and how I wanted to go to the temple. I feel grounded in the temple, and closer to God. I find not only peace and answers, but also myself. Being in the world too long makes me forget that I am a child of God.

Elder Kearon said as we do work for the dead, we are helping them to be found. 

I loved that Elder Kearon talked about those that we do the work for. Because we are helping them to be found. He also referenced Psalm 23, which is a Psalm I love and wanted to share:

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

    I love the image of our Savior as our Shepherd. It's not only humbling, but it's a precious image that we are His sheep, and that He cares for us deeply. 

Lost No More by Greg K. Olsen

    Finally, Elder D. Todd Christofferson spoke before he gave the dedicatory prayer. One thing he said that I loved was that perfection is not required to enter the temple; however, we can still try to be a little better each time we attend the temple. He also said that our time in the temple changes us and gives us a new perspective.

Orem Utah Temple

    I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple, and for the promises of life with my husband and family forever. I look forward to the day when we will see God again and I hope and pray every day that I make my Heavenly Parents proud.

I hope you have a peaceful and uplifting week!

Xoxo

Mattie

Path to personal peace.

In the April 2023 General Conference, President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk entitled "Finding Personal Peace". We discussed this talk in Relief Society today. It was so enlightening to discuss and hear others' thoughts on President Eyring's talk.

President Eyring starts his talk by recounting the Savior's words about peace, and how He gives us peace, from the book of John in chapter 14:15-27. Here is the passage that he shares:

“If ye love me, keep my commandments.

“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

“Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

“At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

“He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

“Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world?

“Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

“He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father’s which sent me.

“These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you.

“But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

President Eyring then goes on to discuss how he found five truths from this passage of the Savior's teachings. As we read and discussed the five truths that President Eyring found, I kept going back to my April 2023. During that time (March/April), I was having a difficult time. I kept thinking about Jesse, and how, if I hadn't experienced my miscarriage, I would have been having my baby around that time. It was an especially hard time because a few people close to me had announced pregnancies and it was emotionally challenging for me to watch them experience something I wasn't able to (because I lost my baby) during the time when I would have been getting ready to give birth.

For months previously, I had been asking Heavenly Father for peace, and felt and heard nothing at the time. I was frustrated, sad, heartbroken, lonely, and trying desperately to not ruin the pregnancies of the ones close to me. Fast forward to General Conference. One of the questions I was wanting to focus on getting an answer for during conference was  peace and comfort, and to finally start healing. I was tired of walking around on eggshells because every little thing would make me cry. 

As the first session of conference occurred, I was feeling good, because I had heard so many little things that I loved. But when President Eyring (the final speaker of the session) stood up and began to speak, I felt overwhelmed with the Spirit and knew I needed to listen. As I listened to President Eyring, I was watching and listening, glued to the screen, taking in this dear Apostle of the Lord's words. When he said, "Some of you, perhaps many, are not feeling the peace the Lord promised. You may have prayed for personal peace and spiritual comfort. Yet you may feel that the heavens are silent to your pleading for peace", I knew this talk was for me. I felt in my heart, "This is for you. You are not alone. I am with you."

As Relief Society closed today, I shared this special story. I got a little emotional during my comment, but it was healing to share my experience around this talk that was special to me for several reasons: 1) because it was an answer to my prayer, and 2) because when you share experiences, you remember more details, and you can find new insights.

My path to personal peace is not what I expected it to be, but it is exactly what I need it to be. I'm grateful for the healing that I have experienced in this past year. I know there is more to do, but I am grateful for how far I have come.

I hope this week is a good one for you! I have a few fun things planned for this week and I am looking forward to getting a lot of work done as well!

God loves you and I do too!

Xoxo Mattie

The refiner's fire is truly an holy experience that draws one closer to God.

It has been too long since I have updated my blog. It has been a crazy few months, but I have done a lot of thinking and taking time to try and make sense of my emotions, feelings, and what God wants for me. 

Last year, before I found out I was no longer pregnant, I did some math and put my due date around the end of March/beginning of April. For the first couple of months this year, I thought about Jesse all the time. It was really, really hard to try and move forward. I had been praying for peace for months. I was so exhausted emotionally–it was so hard because I was trying to move on, but then every moment reminded me of my sweet angel. Every time I turned around, someone I knew (or even didn't know personally) was announcing they were expecting, or announcing the birth of their baby. Every baby I came across was another reminder of our loss. Of what we were excited for and almost had. 

On Good Friday in April, right before Easter Sunday, I went to the temple to do some temple work and to hopefully get an answer, or at least a form of relief. I had a lot on my mind at the time, and I was so grateful to be able to just sit in the temple. I sat in the temple for almost an hour after I was finished with the endowment session, just thinking, pondering, and looking for an answer. When the answer and peace that followed finally came, I was so happy. The answer I received wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed. 

I have been blessed with peace of mind and and in my heart. Though I still yearn for a child of my own, and my heart aches at times, I no longer cry nearly as often, nor as hard, as I did prior to my experience in the temple that weekend. 

I have had a much easier time moving forward since that personal revelation and enlightening experience. I am still reminded of Jesse, and I still experience moments and periods of sadness, but I have seen blessings in my life as a result of that experience. I no longer have multiple days a week where I experience really difficult and emotional days that end in tears. 

I thought Mother's Day would be really difficult for me, and I was expecting to have an overwhelmingly emotional day. But the peace I felt that day is when I really knew that Heavenly Father had answered my prayers because it would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother, and experiencing a miscarriage was so emotionally taxing. But it (Mother's Day) wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I did feel a little sad, but overall, I felt a lot of peace, and for that I am grateful. 

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God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie

His Love is More.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to attend Relief Society today. I'm reminded of two weeks ago when I almost didn't go because I wasn't feeling the best after sacrament meeting, but when I saw it was Relief Society, the Spirit whispered, "Stay." So I did. And how grateful I am. We discussed President Nelson's talk from General Conference "Overcome the World and Find Rest", and what a blessing the discussion was. For some, the holiday season can be tiring and stressful. Our discussion was enlightening and I received several answers and personal revelation. I am so, so grateful for Relief Society, and for the wonderful bond of sisterhood that I have been able to experience in the wards that I have resided in.