Who am I?

So the Elder's Quorum in my single's ward threw a fancy dinner party for the Relief Society yesterday to show us how much they love and appreciate us (because of Valentine's Day). It was just the sweetest thing ever!! They did everything all by themselves, and they even made the pizza dough/pizzas from scratch!! They had tables set up and decorated, and we had waiters take us to our table and take our orders. There was also live music that was awesome. At the end, they gave a little speech about how much they admire us and are grateful for us and then they handed us each a ROSE! It was just so sweet and so cute and I can't help but be grateful for their sweet hearts and natures, and their devotion to the Lord, and to serving us, and for their Christlike love. They are great men who respect and honor their priesthood and the women in their life and I am so grateful to have such amazing men in my life. They are always willing to give me blessings, or pick me up from school when I had a long day, and they are just so thoughtful. They are wonderful disciples of Jesus Christ, and I am so thankful that my Savior sends them in His stead when I am struggling. 

There were some amazing lessons in church today but today I want to share something I wrote last night:

Who Am I?   

By Mattie Radke   

Who am I?
I am kind. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am valued. I am a friend. I have worth. I have integrity. I have love. I have compassion. I have sympathy. I have empathy. I have grace. I have beauty. I have patience. I have friends. I have family. I have a place to belong. I am loved. I am scared. I am broken. I am healing. I am scarred. I have a Savior. I have a Heavenly Father. I have a Heavenly Mother. I am one of a kind. I am unique. I bring something special to this world. I bring light and love to those in my life. I am passionate. I feel deeply and completely. I give completely. I have so much potential. I am blessed. I am a daughter of God. I am a daughter of a King. I have a divine nature. No one can do what I do. No one can give to the world what I give. No one can replace me. I am special. I am brave. I am wonderful. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am crazy and random. But that is what makes me Mattie
Who am I?
I am ME. And that's who I'm meant to be. I'm done apologizing for who I am. Take me or leave me, but this is me.

I've had a couple of crazy weeks. They've been good weeks on the whole, but I feel like I've just been trying to get back in the groove of being myself and so it's been really crazy trying to deal with that on top of school, and other things like dating (guh-ross! ;) ). I've been having a lot of talks with several of my friends, trying to figure out what it is about me that is...well, that is me. I have struggled with accepting myself. I have felt like I had to hide parts of me around some people and I hated it. And sometimes I would apologize for being myself. I didn't want to be a nuisance, or an inconvenience, or whatever.

But I finally...I finally came to the realization that I am not going to change. Generally, I mean. Who I am as a person is not really going to change. And I realized if I don't like myself...then who will? Who is going to like a person who doesn't like themself? The honest answer is really no one. No one will. People like people who are confident in who they are.

So I decided to write down who I think I am. What kinds of qualities I think I have or am. What I can give to the world. What is special and unique about ME. And I ended up writing a whole list of things and I just couldn't stop (hence the poem, of sorts). And after writing this list, and thinking about the people in my life, and then about the things that Dalan was saying last night at the dinner about us ladies, and then about my Father in Heaven, I realized something. I realized that I AM ME. No one else. And no one else can be me, and I can't be anyone else. I am amazing. I have gone through some really hard things but I have come out of them stronger and more determined to do right, and be kind, and I am grateful for who I have become. I am grateful for modern medicine, and for therapists, and for friends, and for happiness, and for love, and for peace, and for grace, and for confidence. I am grateful for positivity, and for gratitude, and for all of the wonderful and beautiful and amazing human beings in my life.

I went on a date yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could be almost 100% myself. And I feel like I am being more like myself every day. I'm not perfect, and some days I still fall short...but failing is okay. Failure means you've tried. Sometimes trying is all that we can do.

So! Here's what I want YOU to remember:
First: You are BRILLIANT.
2) Be yourself! You will honestly be much more comfortable!
C) Remember that GOD LOVES YOU ALWAYS.
IV. I love you and am always here for you.

I hope you have a lovely week! Life is great! You are fantastic! You are loved! You are strong! You can do hard things!! Thank you for being you!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

God loves me anyway.

Had a wonderful time at church today! ❤️ I heard a lot of great messages–and got a lot of compliments on my dress today, so that was fun. :)

I had a lot of thoughts during the sacrament today, so bear with me as I talk about some stuff:

I've been working really hard on my scripture study and prayer these past two or three weeks, and it's been an amazing experience to see the difference in my life in the days where I did both, one or the other, or neither. I've made a lot of progress in some personal goals and I am so proud of myself! So grateful for my Savior, who has stood by me and lifted me when I was down. There is nothing more comforting than to know that He is there and He hears me. So grateful for the opportunity I had to watch the women's session of conference last night with some friends. I desperately needed that time, and the messages that were shared. I am grateful for moments of struggle–without them, I wouldn't know joy and peace; and without them (either the struggle or joy and peace), I couldn't find answers. I'm grateful to be able to feel God's love, and that He answers my prayers through people and experiences. I'm grateful that I am able to set aside my stresses and doubts to serve the people in my life. I'm excited for General Conference this upcoming weekend and can't wait! ❤️

Today was fast and testimony meeting, and there were a lot of things that were said that I loved, and I wanted to share a few of them with you:
-Heavenly Father has a better plan for us. We can be SO much more than we are.
-God produces good out of evilness. You have to have faith that He'll make it beautiful. He can make awful, awful evil things beautiful. 
-The one thing that never changes is that your Father in Heaven loves you very much.

One thing I got from the lesson in Relief Society today was based off of something that someone said. I wrote, "Remember that those [amazing and wonderful] things you see in others can also be seen in you.  ❤️"

I loved today! I loved the lessons, and I loved the bits and pieces of the Gospel that stood out to me today. I was fasting and praying for some specific things today, and I didn't get all the answers, but I did get the ones I needed the most. I am soo grateful for so many things today! For my ward. For my friends. For my family. For my Father in Heaven, and for my Savior. I wouldn't be where I am today without what I've been through, who I've met, and who I've been surrounded by. I've grown, I've changed, I'm growing, and I'm changing. I've made some mistakes and sinned, as we all have, but God loves me anyway. 

Take time this week to ponder what questions you most need answered in General Conference. I am going to, too. And then listen and watch. God will answer you. He will bless you. He will love you. As He does now. Have a great day! ❤️

Xoxo
Mattie

Something special.

I was thinking to myself this morning about some things, and I couldn't let it go. So I thought I'd write a little poem about it, and I did, and I think it says what I want it to.

Sometimes it's hard being me. 

I overthink all the things about my appearance.
I'm pretty sure 99% of the things that I worry about are only noticed by me.

Sometimes I think my friends are exaggerating when they tell me I'm beautiful.
But I know that can't be true because it's impossible for 100% of my friends to all be exaggerating my beauty. Someone's bound to tell the truth. 

So the only other plausible option is that I'm beautiful. 

Not just on the outside–on the inside too. 

Again, I overthink all the things and criticize all the parts of my personality.

But I'm reminded by my friends that they love me. 

And that I am beautiful. And capable. And strong.

And I remember that I'm a daughter of God. And He loves me. And He wants me to be who I am because that's who He made. He made me. And He loves me exactly the way I am. He made me something special because He knows I can be something special.

So who am I to question God? If He thinks I'm something special, I must indeed be something special.

~~"Something Special", a poem by Me