God loves me anyway.

Had a wonderful time at church today! ❤️ I heard a lot of great messages–and got a lot of compliments on my dress today, so that was fun. :)

I had a lot of thoughts during the sacrament today, so bear with me as I talk about some stuff:

I've been working really hard on my scripture study and prayer these past two or three weeks, and it's been an amazing experience to see the difference in my life in the days where I did both, one or the other, or neither. I've made a lot of progress in some personal goals and I am so proud of myself! So grateful for my Savior, who has stood by me and lifted me when I was down. There is nothing more comforting than to know that He is there and He hears me. So grateful for the opportunity I had to watch the women's session of conference last night with some friends. I desperately needed that time, and the messages that were shared. I am grateful for moments of struggle–without them, I wouldn't know joy and peace; and without them (either the struggle or joy and peace), I couldn't find answers. I'm grateful to be able to feel God's love, and that He answers my prayers through people and experiences. I'm grateful that I am able to set aside my stresses and doubts to serve the people in my life. I'm excited for General Conference this upcoming weekend and can't wait! ❤️

Today was fast and testimony meeting, and there were a lot of things that were said that I loved, and I wanted to share a few of them with you:
-Heavenly Father has a better plan for us. We can be SO much more than we are.
-God produces good out of evilness. You have to have faith that He'll make it beautiful. He can make awful, awful evil things beautiful. 
-The one thing that never changes is that your Father in Heaven loves you very much.

One thing I got from the lesson in Relief Society today was based off of something that someone said. I wrote, "Remember that those [amazing and wonderful] things you see in others can also be seen in you.  ❤️"

I loved today! I loved the lessons, and I loved the bits and pieces of the Gospel that stood out to me today. I was fasting and praying for some specific things today, and I didn't get all the answers, but I did get the ones I needed the most. I am soo grateful for so many things today! For my ward. For my friends. For my family. For my Father in Heaven, and for my Savior. I wouldn't be where I am today without what I've been through, who I've met, and who I've been surrounded by. I've grown, I've changed, I'm growing, and I'm changing. I've made some mistakes and sinned, as we all have, but God loves me anyway. 

Take time this week to ponder what questions you most need answered in General Conference. I am going to, too. And then listen and watch. God will answer you. He will bless you. He will love you. As He does now. Have a great day! ❤️

Xoxo
Mattie

Peace and joy are nearness to God.

Finals week is definitely a week of stress. However, I am (fortunately or unfortunately) under-stressed this week hahaha–I know I should be stressed–because I have many things to do on top of my tests which I am definitely worried about a little bit–and I will probably become more stressed when I am taking the tests or as they get closer, but currently at this time, I am not even stressed. Which is fine.

Putting aside finals week, however, I am so happy and excited! I'm going home at the end of the week, and I've got some things I'm working on and it's going to be great! No overthinking on my part. When I was planning it there was some overthinking but I'm past that stage now. :)

I'm grateful for church today! I felt a lot of peace today, which is great. :)

The sacrament hymn today inspired the thoughts I had during the sacrament today–not that it normally doesn't, but today I was just able to pick a certain thought from it:

In the sacrament hymn "Jesus, Once of Humble Birth", the line "Once forsaken, left alone" really stood out to me today. Heavenly Father had to leave His Son alone because He could not bear to watch Him suffer. Because of that, Jesus Christ knows exactly how it feels to be utterly and completely alone. And He will never leave you alone, or comfortless. He was born to save us, and He lived and died to save us all, so of course He will be there for us. That is why He is our Savior–so that He can be there for us when no one else will be. I know that He is always there when you feel like no one else is. He is there. 

 One of the things that was said in sacrament meeting today was something that I loved and had never thought of before: "Peace and joy are nearness to God." As we come to Him, and approach Him, we will be able to feel peace and joy. I loved that. Another thing that was mentioned was that God receives His glories when we grow spiritually. I liked that–as we do good deeds, we are glorifying God.

In Gospel Principles we talked about love. A few things that we said what we thought love was were:
-Sacrifice/Selflessness/Putting someone else's needs before yours
-Love can be pain
-Love is time
We also noted that people feel love in different ways.
Andrew asked if we could love someone we don't know. A couple things we talked about were:
-Through God, you can love everyone. Because God loves everyone, if you love God, you can love everyone through your love of God.
-We also talked about how even though it might be tough at first, as you show love for someone you don't know–as you proceed as if you love them–you can learn to love them. It's like with faith–sometimes you don't have enough faith to do something, but if you proceed as if you have the faith, you will grow in that faith. If you proceed as if you have the love for that person, you will grow in that love and will come to love them.

In Relief Society, we talked about following the example of Jesus Christ.

First we talked about what some things that go into creating a Christlike life:
-Love
-Sense of purpose
-Awareness (for others)
-Obedience
There are many more things, but these are some of the core things that Jesus Christ exemplified in His ministry on earth.

We then talked about how to develop Christlike attributes. First and foremost, you have to work on one thing at a time. It will be easier for you and less stressful. Second, read the scriptures. Sometimes we know that we need to work on things, but we don't know what to work on. By reading the scriptures, you can find some more examples of Christlike attributes and also things that you need to be working on. Remember to see yourself as He sees you, and as you know He sees others. You are His, too, and He loves you and knows your worth.

Then we discussed Jesus Christ's example. He set the perfect example. "What a marvelous example for us to follow! Even in the midst of great personal sorrow and pain, our Exemplar reached out to bless others. … His was not a life focused on the things he did not have. It was a life of reaching out in service to others." (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Howard W. Hunter, pg 308). I'm not perfect–oftentimes there are things that I want but don't have–but one thing that I do know and love and try to do always is serve others. I love serving others in whatever way I can. In serving and making their lives easier, my problems seem to go away. Even if it's a little out-of-my-way, I will drop everything if someone needs me.

The last question that was asked that was more of a thinking question was, "What will you give up to make room for the Savior?" I loved that question because there are many things that I can give up to make room for my Savior. I'm working on that but I thought that it was a nice question to share so you guys could think about that. 

I'm grateful for my Savior, and for His presence in my life. I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to grow to become more like Him. I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to serve and make my family and friends' lives easier (also the occasional stranger). I'm grateful for the strengths I have, and I'm grateful for the weaknesses I have which enable me to develop more strengths. I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father and for His love and guidance. I'm grateful for the Christmas season, and the chance that I have to think about and focus on the life of my Savior, and how I can be better about becoming more like Him. I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to find and have peace and joy. I know that as you go out of your way to serve others that you will be blessed. I know that as you come to love those around you, you will be able to love more fully and service will become easier for you. I know that as you turn to your Heavenly Father, not only will you find peace and joy, He will help you turn weaknesses into strengths, and He will help you know what you need to do to change into who He needs you to be. He loves you and knows the sacrifices you make. You will blessed for putting the needs of others above your own.

For those of you in school (learning or teaching), I wish you a (hopefully) relaxing last week of school before Christmas break! For those not, lucky you! I love you all and hope you have a wonderful holiday season. 💕

Xoxo
Mattie

God is looking out for you.

HEY!!!
SO!!! I moved in yesterday!! :D

My roommate's name is Sabrina, and she's really nice; she's from Illinois, which is fun!

Yesterday, I did a couple of things:

I had lunch by myself (Gonna be honest. I was okay at first, but when I sat down by myself, and realized I was alone, I cried a tiny bit).

Then I asked where my mailbox was (sadly, I bawled like a baby. That poor woman at the desk! But she was really nice and even had tissues for me :) ), and tried to open it, but it was too high (and I forgot my lanyard has a clip) so I just gave up.

Then, I think I went to the HFAC and asked about the orchestra auditions–the orchestras that are non audition are actual classes, so maybe next semester?

Then I went to the BYU bookstore to pick up my textbooks.

Then I went to the Library and checked out a couple of books. :) I'll probably be there a lot... ;)

Then I went back to my room and chilled until about 6, when I went to the Cannon Center for a Helaman party!! I met several people here, and made three new (close) friends, with whom I had a FANTASTIC night, and a lot of new acquaintances. There were carnival games, food (hot dogs, cotton candy, etc.), pie eating contests (kind of lame; they only had to eat one piece with no hands), music, dancing later, and a magician!! He was so cool!! (Drew was way impressed hahaha!) Then he made us balloon animals and that was really fun!

Today was orientation day #1. I am group Red 8. We have a fun group! I've made several friends. :) We walked a LOT. We walked up hill, down hill, up stairs, down stairs, into buildings, back out of buildings, etc. My feet are KILLING me and my legs are so sore!! But it's been fun! There were a couple of freshman-wide "devotionals" (they weren't really a devotional, but I don't know what else to call them...) that were really cool.

Then we went to the football stadium for our Y picture, and for an intro to some of the athletic programs, and for the lighting of the Y on Y mountain!!! SO cool!!

It's been a great two days!! (Even though I keep getting lost, losing my friends, and forgetting things. ;) )

I just wanted to let you guys know that everything is going great and I'm having a good time. :)

I also wanted to let you know that God loves you, and He is looking out for you. It might not always be when you want–and you may even not want to go and do anything so that He can bless you–but He is always looking out for you and He cares so much about you, even if it's a little thing such as you got blisters on your ankles and needed bandaids, or you needed someone to talk to because you'd been alone all day (that someone could either be a friend you really, really, really missed even though you just talked with her on Monday; oooorrrr it could be a cute guy...Luckily, I got both. ;) ).

Whatever your problems, He is there. I testify that He loves you and will help you if you ask Him and if you try and go and do things–He can't help you if you're sitting on your bed doing nothing. Be proactive! I know He that loves you so much! Please turn to Him!! He will help you and bless you. <3

Xoxo
Mattie

If I Could.

If I Could:
If I could feel my Savior's love, would I ever feel unloved?

If I could feel His arms around me, would I ever feel sad?

If I could feel His presence, would I ever feel alone?

If I could understand His grace, would I ever feel lost?

If I could understand the Atonement, would I ever feel unforgiven?

If I could understand the Plan, would I ever falter from the path?

If I could love as He did, would I ever impede my neighbors?

If I could serve as He did, would I ever leave someone in need?

If I could care as He did, would I ever ignore someone in need?

Because I have felt my Savior's love, I feel loved.

Because I have felt His arms around me, I am happy.

Because I have felt His presence, I know I'm not alone.

Though I do not fully understand His grace, I do not feel lost.

Though I do not fully understand the Atonement, I do not feel unforgiven.

Though I do not fully understand the Plan, I try not to falter from the path.

Because I try to love as He did, I love my neighbor.

Because I try to serve as He did, I serve those around me.

Because I try to care as He did, I help those in need. 

Because He loved–and because He loves–I, too, love. 

~~A poem by Me

I know He loves me. I know He is always there for me. I know that He loves and is there for you, too. And because He cannot serve us personally, He sends people to us to help us out. I love being the answer to someone's prayers, because sometimes being the answer to someone's prayer answers my prayers. Plus, I just love making people happy. :) I know that God loves it when everyone is happy, too, so I am always trying to make those that I meet happy because I know that that's what Jesus would do. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

We are here for a purpose.

I want to tell you a story. 

Once, a long time ago, there lived a child. Now, she (or fill in with 'he', boys) lived in a place where she was loved by so many! She had many friends and people who loved her. One day, she had to leave her home for another home, but in this home, she would have to forget who she was, and that she was loved. One day, when the girl was around 14 or so, she had a few questions: Who am I? Where did I come from? And what is my purpose? Well, in order to find the answer, she searched. She searched and searched the scriptures for an answer. And she found her answer: She is a daughter of God. She came from Heaven, and her purpose is to accept and share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with others, and to make a healthy home for more of God's children on earth.

I know that sometimes life is hard, and we lose our focus. But I just want you guys to know that we are here for a purpose. There is a God, and He does love you. I know it. I know that we are here to have a family, and to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with others. I know sometimes we doubt, but it's okay to have questions. Just 'doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.' Don't lose track of who you are. You are a daughter or son of God, and He loves you. He cares for you. He knows exactly what you're going through, and He knows how to help you. Life will get hard–I'm not going to lie to you. Life is hard–but if you have faith in Jesus Christ, you can do it! I know that sometimes there are unexpected curveballs thrown at you, and sometimes they're really rough, but you can get through them with the help of our Savior and Redeemer. I love those names for Him: Savior and Redeemer. They remind me that He is there–and wants–to save us, and He is there and wants to redeem us. He loves us and wants us to be able to return to our Heavenly Father. I know it and I love Him so much. He is there for me, even when I feel unworthy. Even when I feel alone. Even when I feel unloved, HE IS THERE! He will never leave you alone. He will never leave you. He will never leave. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

He is simply there.

I feel like life is so crazy; sometimes it's hard to do so many things. It makes it hard to keep track of time, and it makes it hard to let go of people who you either need to let go of or should let go of. But it doesn't matter what life throws at you because Christ is always there. I know that I've been saying this a lot, but it's because I know He's there and I feel like it's something that can never be overstated: He is simply always there. Whether or not you believe in Him, He is there. If your mom has died or is really sick and you think He's left you, He hasn't. If your dad is a drunk or left you when you were little and you think Christ isn't there for you, He is. Whatever your circumstances, He is there for you. He loves you so much and wants you to know that He loves you and wants you to come back to our Heavenly Father. I hope you know that it is never too late to return or find Him and I hope you know that He is always reaching out for you. 

He is There.

This is different from what I normally write, but I feel like it is something I should write.

So I know sometimes we all go through really bad experiences and we want them to go away, and sometimes people get so depressed and want to (or do) commit suicide, and that makes me sad, and so I decided to write a poem about it (and some music for the poem that I might post later). I've never been depressed, but I've been in a really deep and dark place, and I thought I couldn't get out, but I turned to my Savior and now I know that there is hope--I know sometimes it's hard to believe, but I know it--I didn't think so at first, but there is hope! And there isn't anything we can't do if we have Christ with us because with God, all things are possible.

He is There by Mattie Radke

Sadness swirls within me;

I cannot see the light ahead.

I stumble through the darkness, trying not to fall;

I fail, and fall miserably--deep, deep, and down. 

I try to get up, but I'm so lost--I can't tell up from down. 

I start to cry--am I alone? I feel like I am. 

Suddenly, I hear it. It's small, but it's there. 

A teeny, tiny voice, saying, "It's all right--I'm here."

I sob because I cannot find the source. 

I stand where I am and sob and sob. 

I begin to walk, because I can't sit still. 

I hear the voice again. It's gotten a little stronger. 

"It's all right," He says. "I'm here for you," He says. 

I don't believe Him. I can't seem to find or see Him. 

"I'm here," He insists gently. 

My sobs quiet down to gentle cries. 

I think I see a tiny light. 

Now it's a little bigger. 

"I said I was here, didn't I?" He says. 

I turn around. 

There He is. 

My Savior. 

He's holding out His hand for me to take. 

I begin to cry again and slowly walk towards Him. 

I take His hand, and together we walk towards the light. 

I did not know where I was; I still do not. 

But He knew. 

He was watching out for me the whole time. 

I know sometimes it's hard to believe, but it's true:

Jesus Christ loves and is watching out for YOU.

So, I want you to know that I am so, so thankful for Jesus Christ because He still loves me. I did something so, SO awful (for me) and He still loves me. I want you to know that when I say you can do it with Him, I mean it. With Him, we can! Please, please, don't try to do it by yourself, because--speaking from experience--it doesn't work. Please turn to Him--He is waiting for you, watching you, and looking out for you. He loves you very, very much, and I do, too, so please, please, please turn to Him. Also, the LDS church released a video about suicide prevention, and it is a good video. You can find the link here.

Rain.

Life's like rain. Sometimes there's none, but then slowly, drip by drip and drop by drop, it becomes a downpour and you get soaked. Now, don't get me wrong: I love dancing in the rain and getting soaked. But when life gets super busy, sometimes I have a hard time with it. But no matter the weather, Jesus Christ is always there for me when I need Him. So if a downpour of life gets too busy for me, I can turn to Him and He will help me. If a sprinkling of life gets too much for me, He will help me. If no life is too much for me, He will help me. No matter the weather, He will help me through it. 

Faith.

"Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." ~~Alma 32:21

Sometimes a little faith is all you need to know that The Lord will help you get throught that day or that hard time. He is always there to help. 

He will never leave.

If The Lord brought you to it, He will bring you through it because you are good enough and He does care. He will never leave you nor forsake you. That is not the kind of God He is. He won't just leave you in the times that you need Him most. He's not going to say, "Oh, it's a trial/troubled time for him/her right now. Time to let them deal with it on their own." No. That's not the kind of God I worship. That's not what He does. He is ALWAYS there, whether or not you feel Him, or know Him, or recognise Him. He is there. He is there, waiting for you to turn to Him. 

He is always with you.

Heavenly Father is always with you. Through thick and thin, He is there. When you are sick, He is there. When you are lost, He is there. When you are sad or lonely, He is there. When you need comfort, He is there. There is never a moment when He is not with you, even if you don't know it or feel Him there. I know this without a shadow of a doubt, because I have felt Him. He has been there for me when I have needed Him. He has been my rock, and without Him I could not have done it all. I am so thankful for all that He has done for me.

How have I held it all together?

I have had a really rough past couple of days/weeks/months, and today was especially hard. I got up, still feeling kind of sick. I had had a little "me" time last night; I went to a concert and I really enjoyed myself; I got to let go of everything and just listen and watch and enjoy. Anyway, this morning I was feeling kind of ill still and I went to ask my mom about something; I think I asked if daddy could give me a blessing. It was, you know, five o'clock in the morning, so she just told me to take some Tylenol and put the heating pad on my stomach and wait for a while. So, I took the Tylenol and went to lay down. For the next hour or so, I lay in my bed, pain running through my abdomen. I tried everything: I tried putting the heating pad in different places on my tummy; I tried holding it differently; I tried holding it against my tummy as I lay on my tummy; I tried holding it on my tummy as I lay on my back. The pain was just so, so bad I curled up in a ball and held the heating pad against my stomach and cried. I cried to my Heavenly Father; I cried for my daddy; I cried for my mom. I just wanted relief. I finally just told myself to get up; I counted to three and got up. I thought it would make me feel better if I got moving; I had, after all, been sitting--nay, laying--on my bed curled up in pain for almost two hours. So, I decided that I was going to wear a dress today because I was taking the ACT and I really don't know why but for some reason dressing up helps me think better or relax or something. Anyway, I head into the bathroom and I get dizzy and woozy and I head over to the toilet, hoping and praying that I wouldn't throw up. I did; I started sobbing, heaving, heavy sobs. More heavy than when I had been in bed. My brother went and got my dad, who went and got my mom because he was taking my brother to school. I stood up, brushed my teeth, and I felt better; I honestly felt better and I thought that I could go about my day. I still felt sick but I felt loads better. I got dressed and went into the kitchen; I didn't really want to eat anything; my mom told me I could have some sprite or some yogurt. I had some sprite but I didn't really eat any of the yogurt because I just didn't feel too good. I went to brush my teeth again and I started to brush my tongue for whatever reason. Big mistake. I started to throw up, in the sink. I quickly walked over to the toilet, but I started crying again because once you can kind of overlook, but twice? Nuh-uh, that's a sure sign of "stay home". My mom called the school and was told that me not going wouldn't harm anything; it was just a missed opportunity to take the ACT. My mom left it up to me. I was really, really sick (I had just thrown up twice, for Pete's sake) and tired, and I just wanted to sleep, but I decided to take the test. My dad gave me a blessing before he took me to school, and I prayed and prayed in my heart as we drove to school and all throughout the test. There was a couple of times where I thought "Oh, no, this is it" and I was sure I was going to throw up, but I took deep breaths, in and out, and I got through it. I drank lots of water and I finished (mostly) that stupid, stupid timed test without throwing up. I owe it all to my Heavenly Father. Without Him, I probably would have thrown up that first time. I prayed; I prayed really, really hard that I wouldn't throw up. I took deep breaths and I PRAYED, and it was answered. I am still feeling sick, but I am going to see the doctor on Monday and maybe we will be able to find out what is wrong with me. This pain is unlike any pain I have ever felt before, but I don't have to go through it alone. My Savior suffered for this pain of mine, and He has felt it, too. I can turn to Him for comfort and relief, and that is exactly what I have been doing today (when I wasn't sleeping). I don't know how I have held it all together. Actually, I do; I haven't. It's as simple as that. I haven't held it all together. I have had to turn to, rely on, and trust in my Savior and my Heavenly Father too many times to count in the past couple of months. My testimony of this gospel, of my Savior, and of the power of the Atonement has grown tenfold. There is absolutely NO way at ALL that I would have EVER been able to get through everything that I have gotten through without the help of my Savior. I love Him with all of my heart and I am so thankful that my daddy holds the priesthood worthily and is able to give me blessings when I want or need them. So, again, in answer to my question "How have I held it all together", the truth is, I haven't. My Savior has been there EVERY step of the way, and He has lifted me when I could not carry on. He is my rock, and my foundation, and I love Him. He has been my glue; He is piecing me back together from what I was to what I need to become. I trust Him with all of my heart. I am so glad He knows what He is doing.