Path to personal peace.

In the April 2023 General Conference, President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk entitled "Finding Personal Peace". We discussed this talk in Relief Society today. It was so enlightening to discuss and hear others' thoughts on President Eyring's talk.

President Eyring starts his talk by recounting the Savior's words about peace, and how He gives us peace, from the book of John in chapter 14:15-27. Here is the passage that he shares:

“If ye love me, keep my commandments.

“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

“Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

“At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

“He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

“Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world?

“Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

“He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father’s which sent me.

“These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you.

“But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

President Eyring then goes on to discuss how he found five truths from this passage of the Savior's teachings. As we read and discussed the five truths that President Eyring found, I kept going back to my April 2023. During that time (March/April), I was having a difficult time. I kept thinking about Jesse, and how, if I hadn't experienced my miscarriage, I would have been having my baby around that time. It was an especially hard time because a few people close to me had announced pregnancies and it was emotionally challenging for me to watch them experience something I wasn't able to (because I lost my baby) during the time when I would have been getting ready to give birth.

For months previously, I had been asking Heavenly Father for peace, and felt and heard nothing at the time. I was frustrated, sad, heartbroken, lonely, and trying desperately to not ruin the pregnancies of the ones close to me. Fast forward to General Conference. One of the questions I was wanting to focus on getting an answer for during conference was  peace and comfort, and to finally start healing. I was tired of walking around on eggshells because every little thing would make me cry. 

As the first session of conference occurred, I was feeling good, because I had heard so many little things that I loved. But when President Eyring (the final speaker of the session) stood up and began to speak, I felt overwhelmed with the Spirit and knew I needed to listen. As I listened to President Eyring, I was watching and listening, glued to the screen, taking in this dear Apostle of the Lord's words. When he said, "Some of you, perhaps many, are not feeling the peace the Lord promised. You may have prayed for personal peace and spiritual comfort. Yet you may feel that the heavens are silent to your pleading for peace", I knew this talk was for me. I felt in my heart, "This is for you. You are not alone. I am with you."

As Relief Society closed today, I shared this special story. I got a little emotional during my comment, but it was healing to share my experience around this talk that was special to me for several reasons: 1) because it was an answer to my prayer, and 2) because when you share experiences, you remember more details, and you can find new insights.

My path to personal peace is not what I expected it to be, but it is exactly what I need it to be. I'm grateful for the healing that I have experienced in this past year. I know there is more to do, but I am grateful for how far I have come.

I hope this week is a good one for you! I have a few fun things planned for this week and I am looking forward to getting a lot of work done as well!

God loves you and I do too!

Xoxo Mattie

The refiner's fire is truly an holy experience that draws one closer to God.

It has been too long since I have updated my blog. It has been a crazy few months, but I have done a lot of thinking and taking time to try and make sense of my emotions, feelings, and what God wants for me. 

Last year, before I found out I was no longer pregnant, I did some math and put my due date around the end of March/beginning of April. For the first couple of months this year, I thought about Jesse all the time. It was really, really hard to try and move forward. I had been praying for peace for months. I was so exhausted emotionally–it was so hard because I was trying to move on, but then every moment reminded me of my sweet angel. Every time I turned around, someone I knew (or even didn't know personally) was announcing they were expecting, or announcing the birth of their baby. Every baby I came across was another reminder of our loss. Of what we were excited for and almost had. 

On Good Friday in April, right before Easter Sunday, I went to the temple to do some temple work and to hopefully get an answer, or at least a form of relief. I had a lot on my mind at the time, and I was so grateful to be able to just sit in the temple. I sat in the temple for almost an hour after I was finished with the endowment session, just thinking, pondering, and looking for an answer. When the answer and peace that followed finally came, I was so happy. The answer I received wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed. 

I have been blessed with peace of mind and and in my heart. Though I still yearn for a child of my own, and my heart aches at times, I no longer cry nearly as often, nor as hard, as I did prior to my experience in the temple that weekend. 

I have had a much easier time moving forward since that personal revelation and enlightening experience. I am still reminded of Jesse, and I still experience moments and periods of sadness, but I have seen blessings in my life as a result of that experience. I no longer have multiple days a week where I experience really difficult and emotional days that end in tears. 

I thought Mother's Day would be really difficult for me, and I was expecting to have an overwhelmingly emotional day. But the peace I felt that day is when I really knew that Heavenly Father had answered my prayers because it would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother, and experiencing a miscarriage was so emotionally taxing. But it (Mother's Day) wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I did feel a little sad, but overall, I felt a lot of peace, and for that I am grateful. 

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God understands how I need to make changes.

Not only can we not serve from an empty vessel, we also can’t serve from a broken vessel. 

How do we fix our empty and broken vessels? In many ways, but there is one name for all of them: self-care. Self-care is important in all facets of life: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is also personal and unique to everyone.

These last two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my miscarriage and baby Jesse (we decided on a name to help with the grieving process. We chose "Jesse Eden" because Jesse means "God exists" and Eden means "paradise", and we really liked that connection to God). I realized, if I hadn't had my miscarriage, I would be about 7.5 months pregnant right now. It was an unexpected intrusion of thoughts and I became quite emotional, as I hadn't thought about that in awhile. I had had a similar thought back in December, but it didn't quite hit as hard as it did this time, in part, I think, because it's so much harder for me not to remember that (according to my most-likely-inaccurate math) I was going to be giving birth during the end of March/beginning of April. And it's now March. I can't help but think about how close the end of my pregnancy would be now. The fact of how close I was to being a parent, is just so painfully obvious. I hate that it was taken from me, and from Ricky. 

It has made these last two weeks especially difficult as I try to get through my emotions and move on. There have been times where I have become absolutely distraught. The loss of control I have over my fertility journey is disheartening sometimes. This journey has been mentally taxing, and I have been so tired. My whole body is tired. My whole soul is tired. I am just so tired. Emotions are hard.

I’m never quite sure how to handle when this feeling–the loss of Jesse, of this experience–hits me. Sometimes I am just sad. Sometimes I watch something funny on tv. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I read the scriptures or listen to a conference talk. When I need to have something mindless to do with my hands, I will play video games or crochet. Sometimes I just sit and listen to music while scrolling on my phone. Sometimes I walk to the store for a pick-me-up treat. Sometimes, I just cry into Ricky's shoulder. He holds me and lets me cry, and it's just so comforting to have him here.

No matter what I end up doing, it always ends up being right for me at that time. That’s the beauty of self-care: recognizing what YOUR needs in the moment are and taking care of it.

For example...
Say you're taking care of a baby and they start crying. Immediately, you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong and what they need. They can't communicate with you very well verbally, but their actions say a lot. Even though they're crying and screaming, you don’t get mad at them or angry at them for needing something, right? Self-care is similar to that. You are trying to take care of yourself and figuring out what’s wrong and what you need. There's no need to get angry or mad at yourself for needing something. Your body is telling you you need something. That means you need to listen.

Today during testimony meeting, I had a lot of thoughts, and I just wanted to share a few.

• God understands how I need to make changes. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of my personal revelation to make changes in ways that are different than I have previously done/tried.
• My journey is different than I thought it would be, and that is okay. I am struggling to understand that, and that is also okay. 
• Heavenly Father knows that this is hard for me, and I am grateful for a loving Savior to turn to and depend on, as well as loving Heavenly Parents and a loving husband who supports and encourages me. I am also so grateful for sweet friends who know just what to say and do to love and support me. 

Yesterday, we went to the temple to do sealings for some family names my grandma had. As I was looking through the names, I found an ancestor with my name! It surprised me because this was on my mom's side, and I hadn't realized there was another Mattie in my family line. It was a sweet tender mercy from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Another tender mercy was how many child-to-parents sealings there were during our session. I was so grateful for the emphasis on how important little children are to God. I often take time after visiting the temple to write down a few of my thoughts or any personal revelations I received during my time in the temple. Yesterday, my thoughts were short but sweet: "While not here long on the earth, Jesse is still a part of our family forever."

Jesse is a constant reminder to me that God exists. While I have been struggling lately with a lot of things, one thing that keeps me going is that I know Heavenly Father is there. I know Heavenly Mother is there. I have been working on a few projects that have kept me busy, and it has been good to be creative, and to connect with my Heavenly Parents in that way. When I am working on a project, I forget everything else, and am focused solely on creating my project. It brings me peace and joy to be able to focus on my projects without the emotional pain, and I know that is a blessing from my Heavenly Parents. 

I hope that, by sharing my feelings and emotions in this post, I will be able to heal and feel peace at the circumstances I find myself in. I hope that anyone who finds themself in a similar situation will know that they are not alone, and that they are loved by Heavenly Parents, their Savior, and me.

Xoxo

Mattie

His Love is More.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to attend Relief Society today. I'm reminded of two weeks ago when I almost didn't go because I wasn't feeling the best after sacrament meeting, but when I saw it was Relief Society, the Spirit whispered, "Stay." So I did. And how grateful I am. We discussed President Nelson's talk from General Conference "Overcome the World and Find Rest", and what a blessing the discussion was. For some, the holiday season can be tiring and stressful. Our discussion was enlightening and I received several answers and personal revelation. I am so, so grateful for Relief Society, and for the wonderful bond of sisterhood that I have been able to experience in the wards that I have resided in.

My expectation is not always His execution.

Even though it is difficult to talk about at times, I am grateful to be able to share my experience with infertility. I have been able to connect with those of my friends who have experienced the same or similar situations, and it has been helpful for me to be able to discuss my feelings with someone who knows what I am going through. 

It has been hard, at times, to keep my chin up. Knowing that we are doing all we can, and just waiting on the Lord's timing, can be quite frustrating, especially when I look around and see so many people who are expecting–or have just had–a baby. It's just another reminder of what I desire, and what I am unable to have at this time. It is dispiriting to not know why it isn't happening for us right now. 

However, I have been able to find comfort in the scriptures, and in messages from prophets, apostles, and other general authorities of the Church. I am so grateful for the experiences of the Lord's people in the scriptures, for the comfort and peace that I can receive as I study and learn from their lives.

Knowing that I share the same challenges as Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, and Elkanah and Hannah, to name a few, is comforting. To know that God included these stories in the scriptures for me to learn from and understand, is heartening. To know that these faithful women were still faithful throughout their trials as they waited upon the Lord, is inspiring. To know that, as I continue to be faithful, and continue to find joy in my life, as these women did in theirs, that I will be at peace as I wait upon the Lord, is uplifting.

While there are moments, periods of time, days, even, that are more difficult than others, I remember the promise of the Lord. I remember that, as I am faithful, and continue to do as He has asked me, I will be blessed. Whether in this life or the next. As hard as it is to understand why it's not happening now, the assurance that He will provide me with the blessings He has promised keeps me going.

Last week, I was watching a video that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints produced in a video series they call "Hope Works". This video, entitled "Embrace the Hit: My Darkest Hour", really resonated with me. Something she said struck home with me: 

"This collision was beyond a forcible wave that crashes over you. It felt like I was paddling in the deepest ocean, and I was slowly drowning. And during those weeks, I felt the impact of how much hope can hurt. It can be exhausting to want something good and not know why it can't be what you know or what you thought it should be right now.  ...the more demanding the trial, the larger your capacity grows in the opposite direction for joy."

I had yet to find a description of how I have been feeling about our journey with infertility and how hard it is to hold out hope every month. Then, during this video, she said exactly what I have been feeling, and I couldn't help but be grateful for my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. This video message was just what I needed to remind me that I am not alone in my trials, and I am not forgotten.

Right now, this is my darkest hour. Each time where I have been hopeful, only for that test to be negative, has been excruciatingly painful. But the most painful one by far was when the test was positive, but the following test a few days later was negative. That was heart-wrenching; I felt like my body was failing me. It has taken time for me to understand that it is not failing me in the sense that I thought it was. 

What gives me hope is that I know that God has a plan for me. I know that He has communicated with me about the expansion of our family, and I am doing my best to follow Him. I am coming to understand that, while He has communicated with me about our family, my expectation is not always His execution. However, knowing that He is walking with me every step of the way, and guiding me through it, is reassuring. As I am following His light, and studying His words, I am healing–slowly but surely.

What gives me hope is that we are learning more about my personal journey and experience with PCOS, and that that is part of what God is wanting me to learn at this time. I am coming to understand that this is part of His plan for me. While much of life is uncertain, one thing I know is that I am not alone. Not only is God with me, I have a loving support system of family and friends who are there for me, too.

Xoxo

Mattie

Doing my best–one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I have been pondering whether or not to share this experience, but ultimately, I decided that it would help me to talk about it, even though I am still experiencing feelings of sadness and heartache about it, and I felt that it was important for people to know that it is okay to talk about these things.

Earlier this month, I experienced what I have come to understand is known as "a chemical pregnancy". According to the Cleveland Clinic, "A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that happens within the first five weeks of pregnancy. An embryo forms and may even embed in your uterus lining (implantation), but then it stops developing. Chemical pregnancies occur so early that many people who miscarry don’t realize it."

The only reason that I knew that I had a chemical pregnancy was because I have PCOS, and in order for me to ensure that I am taking the medication I need at the proper times, I need to be monitored frequently throughout my cycle. 

So, on July 15, I went into my doctor's office and had my blood drawn so they could do a pregnancy test. I later received a call that said that the test was positive, and that they were cautiously optimistic, but I should go back on Monday to ensure that my hCG levels were increasing as they are supposed to. I went back on Monday for them to draw my blood again, but when they called back, they said that my levels had decreased, and I was no longer pregnant. This resulted in my experiencing a miscarriage.

It was very unexpected, and I had a really hard time with the results that day. I ended up crying for a portion of time after the phone call. I was devastated throughout the rest of the week. It is so weird to me that tomorrow it will be two weeks since that phone call. It seems like a lifetime ago. 

I have been very lucky to have a village of love and support behind me as I have gone and am going through this experience. I am so thankful for those who have sent me well wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate every single one of you.

I am comforted by the stories of Abraham and Sarah, as well as Hannah in the Old Testament, which we are studying this year. While I do not expect to be exactly like Sarah and become pregnant at 99 years old, I am comforted that the Lord keeps His promises. As I am currently like Hannah, in that I am longing for a blessing I have yet to receive, I am comforted that as I continue to do my part, the Lord will bless me. 

While I hope and pray that it will be sooner, I know that it most likely won't be when I would like it to be. Though that makes me sad, I am not discouraged. I am doing my best to not only do my part, but I am doing my best to move forward. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Because that is all I can do. I am only human, and I want to be a mom, but right now, that's not in the plan. So sometimes I am sad about that. But I am doing my best to serve those around me, to study the scriptures, and speak and connect with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I am doing my best to tell my husband how I am feeling. I am doing my best. And that is all that I can do.

I am grateful for loving Heavenly Parents and a Savior who are on and by my side always. I am thankful that They love and support me in everything I am doing. I am grateful that They let me know how loved I am, and how much They want me to be happy. I am grateful for the time that I get to spend with Them in the temple, serving the ancestors of all on Earth. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost, who comforts me when I need it, and helps me discern promptings.

I hope you have a great week! God loves you, and I do too. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Make the time.

Making the time for the things that are most important and balancing your time is really hard. Lately, that has been my biggest weakness and struggle. I always have something that I can be doing, something that I want to be doing, and something that I need to be doing. 

How can we best divide our time between all of the things that are important in our lives?

Jesus tells us, in Matthew 6 verse 33-34:

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Put God first and focus on the day you are living. That's the key.

I know, I know–it's easier said than done. Sometimes, though, you just need to have a real talk with yourself and say, "Okay, we are going to be doing this. God is going to be put first today, and then we are going to focus on what we can do today." It will definitely be difficult as you begin, but the more you put it into practice, the easier it will get.

You have to ask yourself, "What is the most important thing I can do today?" And if the answer isn't "Talk to my Heavenly Father", you might be a little too busy. Don't worry–I've definitely been there.

Sometimes I need to make a list of all the things I need to get done in a day. That's okay, it's good to write it down. But sometimes I put things on my list that don't necessarily need to be done that day. I think sometimes I am trying to get a week's worth of things done in one day, and that is definitely not healthy. 

I am trying to take it back a notch and focus more on things that I need to get done that day. I am also trying to remember that if all I get done is one thing, that is okay! There are some days that I will get a lot done, and some days where I will only get one or two things done. That is completely fine. Each day requires a different amount of effort from me, as each day, I am a different person.

This reminds me of the story in Luke 10:38-42 about Mary and Martha. It reads:

38 ¶ Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.
39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word.
40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.
41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:
42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

We have all been Mary, and we have all been Martha. Now, remember, Martha isn't doing anything bad! Cleaning and serving the Lord is good! However, Jesus is currently teaching, so the timing of Martha's service is not the best. So, again, back to making the time: Martha needed to make the time to listen to Jesus' teachings. She needed to make the time to sit down and focus on her spiritual needs.

In the end, it will not matter whether or not you cleaned your living room and kitchen. It won't matter if you made sure that any guests or neighbors were taken care of. What will matter is whether or not you learned from the Lord. Whether or not you grew closer to Him. Whether or not He can count on you to do as He commands.

Yes, He understands the need (and asks) for a house of order. Yes, He understands that He has asked you to "love thy neighbor as thyself". But He has also asked you to "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, might, mind, and strength", and that is the first great commandment. He has asked you to put Him first.

If you are not connecting with God every day, how can He prompt you to serve your neighbor? How can He prompt you to serve your friend when they need a pick-me-up? How can He use you to help His children if you are not connecting with Him every day? 

Yes, it can be difficult to make the time. Yes, the Lord understands. But He also understands that if you do what He asks, life will be a little bit easier.

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A Day in the Life

Squinting eyes, checking clock

Rising fast, running amok

Brush, brush, brush

Hop, hop, hop

Making lunches, checking homework

Loading car, running berserk

Rush, rush, rush

Stop, stop, stop

Squinting eyes, checking clock

Rising fast, running amok

Rush, rush, rush

Stop, stop, stop

Parking tires, checking handiwork

Loading car, running berserk

Brush, brush, brush,

Hop, hop, hop

Squinting eyes, checking clock

Retiring at last, no more running amok. 

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Making Time

I start my day close to the Lord

A prayer, a scripture–15 minutes I can afford

I greet my husband with a 'good morning' kiss

My children are happily in bliss

Later that day, my daughter cried

Because her pet rock Tommy died

I tried not to laugh as we buried him

But she saw me and her face turned grim

Her response was to cut her brother's hair

I took a really long time sitting in my chair

When my husband got home, the house was a mess

Dinner was cold and my children in distress

'Daddy!' they cried, and ran for a hug

I drank my cold hot chocolate mug

This day was quite a disaster, I'm afraid

But because of this morning when I prayed

I had more patience and more love

I hope my children see why I speak with God above.

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I don't have children yet, but I hope this poem can show the peace that comes when we speak with the Lord and take time to hear Him. The day will still be long, and we will still feel frustrated at times, but there is just something about taking the time to speak with the Lord that calms the whole day. 

I know that Heavenly Father loves you and that He will help you as you strive to balance your life! I hope you have a great week! I have plenty of things on my to-do list this week, but I am going to focus on one at a time. 

Xoxo

Mattie