I had some deep moments this week. I wrote some poems about my summer here, and about my depression, and I was able to get a blessing Friday because of a horrible pain on the back of my head.
I learned a lot this week, actually. I learned that you give something to this world that no one else can. In the blessing, Brian said that I've given a lot to this camp because of who I am, and the things that I've done, and he said something about the love I've given. After the blessing he also said I've changed a lot this summer. I do know that I have changed in at least a few ways, and I am so, so, SO thankful for this summer!! I'm grateful for this experience and for the love I've been able to feel from my Heavenly Father this summer!! I'm grateful for the people He's put in my life this summer and for the impact they've had on me!!! I hope I've had just as much of an impact on them!! 💜💜💜
I know that I've become more comfortable with being by myself. I also know that I've been working more on my testimony, and I know that God is there. I know that I've been trying to be kinder, and even though I've messed up a lot, I think on the whole I've been better about that. I've been trying to be healthier. I've been trying to better accept and understand myself. I've been trying to grow. I've been trying to be a better person, and I hope that I am at least a better person than I was at the start of the summer.
I had an amazing experience and couple weeks ago on the Wilderness Survival Overnighter and I wanted to share the thoughts I had before I went to sleep.
July 26: There is nothing like a peaceful night in the woods in a hammock. A light, cool breeze, the moon shining bright above you, a trickling brook or stream, and crickets off in the distance. So beautiful. A reminder of the existence of God, the beauty of nature, and that all the things I'm stressing about don't really matter in the long run. Life finds a way to correct our mistakes and bring us right where we're supposed to be. I thank God that I'm learning more and more this summer about things I need to improve in and on. He knew I needed this summer...He knew I needed a lot of the staff I've met here. He knew that a lot of them needed me. I don't know why, because I really don't think I'm doing anything out of the ordinary, but apparently it's a thing. Anyway, God knows what we need. Even when we don't. And sometimes we think He isn't speaking to us, but think about this: what if His way of speaking to you is letting you try and focus, and grow, and make goals, and try to improve yourself, and be kind to others. And sometimes when you look back, you realize He was there. And you realize that He prompted you. Sometimes promptings aren't obvious–sometimes promptings are just quiet little thoughts you have about improving or serving.
I've really been trying to understand this summer. I've really been trying to hear Him. I've been thinking about my plans after I graduate and I really have wanted to hear what He has to say but I haven't heard anything specific yet. And that's okay. I'm going to try to do some research when I get back home and then I'll try again. I know He's listening...I just need to have faith, trust Him, and keep going.
I've been reading in 1st Nephi (for what seems like forever. I keep forgetting where I am so I think I've been rereading the same spot sometimes 😂) and in chapter 8, which is when Lehi is describing his vision of the Tree of Life, verse 30, Nephi says, "But, to be short in writing {every time I read this, I think, "Too late!" because it reminds me of the movie Clue 😂}, behold, he saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree." The iron rod is the word of God, and as long as we press forward, clinging to His word, we will be okay. I've noticed the last couple weeks that my days are better when I've been reading. I've been trying to read my scriptures in the morning before work, and if that doesn't go as planned, then I'll read before bed. And it has helped me immensely. I've been at peace more, my mornings have gone smoother, and I've been able to feel and see His love every day.
I've been amazed this summer at just how much my Heavenly Father knows me, and knows what I needed. I totally could have not taken this job this summer. But I'm glad I did. I've learned a lot, and grown a lot, and I've found new ways to deal with things differently than I ever have before. And I'm full of gratitude and love for my Savior and my Heavenly Father, and for this beautiful world that we live in.
"For depression has no power over me.
—It comes and goes, as feelings do
And some days it is so deep
But I have found it's better to
Feel it, and let it seep
Out, than to bury it, and to
Let it grow. No one wants to reap
The depression you have sewn."
~Excerpt from A Labyrinth of Feelings, by Mattie Radke
This summer has been good for me. I've learned how to better deal with my anxiety and depression, and I've learned I'm not alone.
I can't believe this week is my last week!! It's gonna be a bittersweet week but I'm going to try to make the most of it!! 💜💜💜
God loves you, and I do too!! Thank you for being you!! Have a great week!!
Xoxo
Mattie
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