God loves you enough to let you wait.

Feelings are fickle.
They change SO fast.
One day you can feel one thing, and the next you can feel another.
One minute you can feel one thing, and the next second you can feel another.
I personally just feel lots of things all the time and they take me on a roller-coaster of a ride. Sometimes I feel like I feel too much and I can't figure out how to turn it off. And I found this poem that I thought explained how I felt:

"Orchestrated Emotion" 

By Denise Tucker

My heart, 

Like an Orchestra, 

Is made of many parts, 

All trying to play 

At once. 

Lord, 

Direct the blend 

To end 

In Harmony— 

Not dissonance.

I love this. The Lord is the conductor of my life, and my heart, and I am trying very hard to listen and follow (and trust) His lead, but it is very difficult.

Life is hard. Emotions are hard. Motivation is hard. Everything is just hard. And sometimes it doesn't feel like it's going to get any better. But it will. God will help you. He puts the most amazing and selfless people in your life who you know without a shadow of a doubt with always bet there for you. They'll always be there to listen to you, love you, cry with you, and comfort you. They won't leave you. And He places people in your life to help heal you. And even though they can't always help you 100% of the time, Christ makes up the difference. He is always there for you. He will lift you up when you fall. He will carry you when you cannot walk. And He will love you. Broken, bruised, chipped, imperfect, unworthy, alone, lost, forgotten. However you feel, however you describe yourself, He will help heal you, and find you, and love you, and comfort you. For you are a Child of God and you have a divine nature and potential to fulfill. But we can't do it alone. So He will be there. Always. 

"Without the fundamentals, the details are useless. With the fundamentals, tiny gains can add up to something very significant." ~Vince Lombardi
          I loved this quote that Josh shared in sacrament meeting. It's so true! Foundations are important. Your foundation is made up of the fundamentals. Don't forget the fundamentals.

As we trust Him, our faith slowly increases. Faith either increases or decreases. It is always moving, but it all depends on us. We need to do the fundamentals–we need to do the important things. We need to study our scriptures, go to church, pray daily, and serve others. This helps us increase our faith.

Heavenly Father does keep His promises but we need to do our part. It's not enough to just say, 'You promised You would do this.' We need to do our part, too. We need to make an effort. We can't just expect Him to do everything for us. We have our agency. Sometimes Heavenly Father tells us exactly what to do, and the trial of our faith in that instance is full obedience, but sometimes He lets us choose, and the trial of our faith in that instance is to have faith in Him and choose for ourself.

Humility is one of the greatest keys of accessing the power of heaven and the Atonement. I loved this. It's hard sometimes to be humble but it's important to remember that we can't do everything by ourselves and we need help. We need His help in order to return to live with our Heavenly Father. He loves us so much and wants to give us the best chance to get back to Him.

In Relief Society we talked about the Sabbath Day, and someone said something that I really loved. She said, "Remember whose day it is. It is His day. He deserves the best from me. Even if it's just for one day." I loved that! The Sabbath Day is supposed to be a day of rest; a day separate from the rest of the week. And it's meant to help us show Heavenly Father how much we love and appreciate Him, and He deserves the best from us.

I had a thought the other day that I loved and wanted to share. I said, "Just because you aren't getting what you want when you want it doesn't mean that God doesn't love you. It just means that God loves you enough to give you what you want at the right time, and sometimes that means you have to wait." 

I hope that you have an amazing week! You can do hard things! Take things one day at a time and one task at a time!

Xoxo
Mattie

Who am I?

So the Elder's Quorum in my single's ward threw a fancy dinner party for the Relief Society yesterday to show us how much they love and appreciate us (because of Valentine's Day). It was just the sweetest thing ever!! They did everything all by themselves, and they even made the pizza dough/pizzas from scratch!! They had tables set up and decorated, and we had waiters take us to our table and take our orders. There was also live music that was awesome. At the end, they gave a little speech about how much they admire us and are grateful for us and then they handed us each a ROSE! It was just so sweet and so cute and I can't help but be grateful for their sweet hearts and natures, and their devotion to the Lord, and to serving us, and for their Christlike love. They are great men who respect and honor their priesthood and the women in their life and I am so grateful to have such amazing men in my life. They are always willing to give me blessings, or pick me up from school when I had a long day, and they are just so thoughtful. They are wonderful disciples of Jesus Christ, and I am so thankful that my Savior sends them in His stead when I am struggling. 

There were some amazing lessons in church today but today I want to share something I wrote last night:

Who Am I?   

By Mattie Radke   

Who am I?
I am kind. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am valued. I am a friend. I have worth. I have integrity. I have love. I have compassion. I have sympathy. I have empathy. I have grace. I have beauty. I have patience. I have friends. I have family. I have a place to belong. I am loved. I am scared. I am broken. I am healing. I am scarred. I have a Savior. I have a Heavenly Father. I have a Heavenly Mother. I am one of a kind. I am unique. I bring something special to this world. I bring light and love to those in my life. I am passionate. I feel deeply and completely. I give completely. I have so much potential. I am blessed. I am a daughter of God. I am a daughter of a King. I have a divine nature. No one can do what I do. No one can give to the world what I give. No one can replace me. I am special. I am brave. I am wonderful. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am crazy and random. But that is what makes me Mattie
Who am I?
I am ME. And that's who I'm meant to be. I'm done apologizing for who I am. Take me or leave me, but this is me.

I've had a couple of crazy weeks. They've been good weeks on the whole, but I feel like I've just been trying to get back in the groove of being myself and so it's been really crazy trying to deal with that on top of school, and other things like dating (guh-ross! ;) ). I've been having a lot of talks with several of my friends, trying to figure out what it is about me that is...well, that is me. I have struggled with accepting myself. I have felt like I had to hide parts of me around some people and I hated it. And sometimes I would apologize for being myself. I didn't want to be a nuisance, or an inconvenience, or whatever.

But I finally...I finally came to the realization that I am not going to change. Generally, I mean. Who I am as a person is not really going to change. And I realized if I don't like myself...then who will? Who is going to like a person who doesn't like themself? The honest answer is really no one. No one will. People like people who are confident in who they are.

So I decided to write down who I think I am. What kinds of qualities I think I have or am. What I can give to the world. What is special and unique about ME. And I ended up writing a whole list of things and I just couldn't stop (hence the poem, of sorts). And after writing this list, and thinking about the people in my life, and then about the things that Dalan was saying last night at the dinner about us ladies, and then about my Father in Heaven, I realized something. I realized that I AM ME. No one else. And no one else can be me, and I can't be anyone else. I am amazing. I have gone through some really hard things but I have come out of them stronger and more determined to do right, and be kind, and I am grateful for who I have become. I am grateful for modern medicine, and for therapists, and for friends, and for happiness, and for love, and for peace, and for grace, and for confidence. I am grateful for positivity, and for gratitude, and for all of the wonderful and beautiful and amazing human beings in my life.

I went on a date yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could be almost 100% myself. And I feel like I am being more like myself every day. I'm not perfect, and some days I still fall short...but failing is okay. Failure means you've tried. Sometimes trying is all that we can do.

So! Here's what I want YOU to remember:
First: You are BRILLIANT.
2) Be yourself! You will honestly be much more comfortable!
C) Remember that GOD LOVES YOU ALWAYS.
IV. I love you and am always here for you.

I hope you have a lovely week! Life is great! You are fantastic! You are loved! You are strong! You can do hard things!! Thank you for being you!!!

Xoxo
Mattie

He takes you as you are.

What a week! I was working on getting all the important things off my computer so I could get a new one, which I was able to get yesterday! I am so excited! The screen is so big and it runs way faster! I am excited to use it!
It's also been kind of an emotional week. I've been sick and not feeling well, and I've also been extremely tired, even when I have gotten more than enough sleep, so it's just been an extremely long week.
But! I have also been so productive this week! I have been able to get a lot done and I have also (on the whole) been a lot happier. I am grateful for the beautiful tender mercies this week, two of which were scriptures that I read when I was feeling down that were able to lift me up. I'm grateful for my Savior's help, guidance, and love. I know that a lot of things this week were only possible because of Him. I am grateful for all He does for me, and for the support He gives, and for the people He puts in my life to love me and lift me up.

Today was Fast Sunday in our ward, so it was testimony meeting today, and I didn't take a lot of notes–mainly I just listened–but there were a few things that I loved and took notes on that I wanted to share.

-We can't hide anything from God. He knows exactly what we're feeling and thinking. But He is merciful. He wants us to be open–open to Him, open to change, open to the possibility of change. If we give up what we want for God, He will give us blessings.
-When we turn to the Savior, He can and will make us more than we can by ourselves. When Christ asks us to do things, even when they don't make sense, He makes it work, and He makes it worth it.

In Gospel Principles we talked about love. And while we were talking about things that made us feel like we were alone and not loved, I thought about two different songs that are some of my favorites. The first is called "Broken & Beautiful" and it's a new song by Calee Reed but it is amaaaazing!!!! I love it so much!! No matter what, we are always loved by Him. It's sometimes hard to see how God can make something wonderful out of our broken pieces, but I know He does. I know that sometimes it's hard to go through trials in this life, but I also know that you are not alone. God loves you, and sends you angels when you need them. He sent His Son to die for us so that we would not be alone in our darkest moments. He sent His Son to be with us in those moments, and to lift us up, and carry us when we can't go on by ourself. He sent His Son to help us put the pieces back together. He sent His Son to remind us that we might be broken, but we are still beautiful.

The other song is called "Better Than A Hallelujah", and this version is by Amy Grant but there is another version by Mercy River that is also amaaaazing! I love this song SO MUCH because the message of this song is that God takes what you give. He accepts it and makes it better. YOU ARE ENOUGH. He takes you as you are. And your feelings are not weakness. Your feelings are strengths. God wants you to come to Him, no matter where you are. He will take you where you stand, and He will help you become better. 

We also talked about how it is okay to be blind, and to just keep walking in faith. And when you feel alone and forgotten, and lost, remember that you are not the only one who has felt so! Heavenly Father left Christ, too. Have mercy on yourself, and remember to ask God for help. Remember to tell Him EVERYTHING. Tell Him you can't feel Him. Be open with Him. He knows all, but wants to hear it from you. He cares so much about you–He doesn't want you suffering or hurting. He wants to bring peace to your life, and He wants to give you strength. But He can't do that if you won't talk to Him or go to Him. So take the time to go to Him, and share with Him your feelings and thoughts. If it is important to you, it is important to Him. BUT He does have a plan for you, so your timetables might not match up together, but that is okay. Just trust Him. :)

I am so thankful for the blessings I receive in my life. I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am so thankful for the love that I feel and for the grace that I receive. I am so grateful for my Savior, and for His love and guidance, and the moments that He has lifted me up when I couldn't find the strength to stand. I am grateful for the power of music. I am grateful for love. I am grateful for peace. I am grateful for confidence and patience. I am grateful for grace. I am grateful for mercy. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. 

Xoxo
Mattie

We are His priority.

So today was Stake Conference, and it was super amazing!!

Each speaker was so wonderful! I loved all their insights! :)

1. Hope comes because of, in, and through the Savior.
-Hope is centered on the Atonement.
2. Hope is a strong thing.
-Hope is always there, when no one else is. Hope turns us to the Savior.
3. The temple is a source of hope.
-It refocuses us.
-As we focus on the Savior, and what He wants us to become, we'll be filled with hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be true friends to those around us.
Conversion is not a one-time event.
1. We must be good examples.
-We are the personification of the Lord's church.
2. Ask God for His help.
3. Do your best.
-Be an instrument in His hands.
-Be a friend first.
-The Lord will perform miracles through us as we follow Him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-This life is the time to serve the Lord.
-In the house of the Lord, we have to be reverent.
-If we truly seek His help and guidance, we will receive what we need, and feel what we need to feel.
-The temple can bring us closer to our Heavenly Father and our ancestors.
-Have you ever thought about how much time Heavenly Father gives to us? Does He ever not listen? Not drop everything for us? He always listens, and we are His priority. So we need to make time for Him. Everything will fall into place.
-Make the temple your place of refuge from the storm.
-Take time to be holy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-You may not be who or what you think you are, but what you think, you are.
-Are you looking for the good in [your companion]? (this can be filled with any person...family member, friend, yourself)
-Are you becoming like Him?
-When I know who I really am, it is easier to become who I really am.
-Relationships are eternal.
-The key to planning is to do it.
-Become a creator of circumstances instead of a creature of circumstances.
-Only Christ can change us. He can change all of our yesterdays.
-We get to choose our steps. Will our steps be in His direction?
-The more specific our prayers, the more defined His answers become.
-Pride is trust in ourselves. Confidence and humility is trust in God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-The temple is truly the house of God.
-We can feel nearer to our Father in Heaven and His Son, and we can feel their love in the temple.
-There's a protection and power associated with the ordinances of the temple.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-You underestimate how good you are.
-Left to themselves, things fall apart (2nd Law of Thermodynamics) in any closed system.
-When we sin, we fall apart from God. Because of Christ and His Atonement, we can return.
-Christ can fix ALL broken things.
-Remember how merciful God is, and focus on that.
-Christ came to make things all right.
-The Lord loves broken things because He can fix them.

Your value does not change when you fail.

Today I was thinking a lot. Mainly because I really had a horrible, horrible headache and couldn't really focus on the lessons today (I did listen and learned a little but mainly I tried to stop the pummeling in my head). But also because I have had a lot to think about. Let's start with what I was thinking about in sacrament meeting:

Patiently waiting is hard. Especially when you're waiting for blessings, answers, peace, or your birthday, and they're just not getting here fast enough. Finding ways to keep yourself busy in the meantime is hard. Because all you want is to know what to do, or to just feel like the decision you already made was the right one. But it feels like you can't hear anything. So you think, "Maybe I'm not doing enough." So you try to read your scriptures more deeply, and pray more fervently, and be there for your friends, and...nothing. The only place you feel it, and hear it, is the temple. But you can't always be at the temple. So you don't know what to do except doing what you're doing and hope that you'll hear it soon. You have faith that He is there, even when you can't hear Him, because you have felt it before. You're not sure why it even stopped, but you just keep hoping. And it's not like you haven't felt it; you have. Just not when you have wanted and deeded it desperately. But you keep going, and lean on the testimonies of your friends and family until you're back on your feet and can hear it and feel it again.

~I think it's because I can hardly hear anything over my depression. And even though I want to be and try to be, I'm not really happy. Luckily I am not alone in this time of my life: I have family, friends, my therapist, and my Savior. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I am hoping to be able to find an answer, or be closer to finding an answer.  

One theme of today that I noticed was God's love. It was kind of just all encompassing today, and I'm not going to lie–I really needed it.

One of my favorite things that was said in sacrament meeting today was that we can't forget to have charity towards ourself. I'd never thought of that before–having charity towards yourself. But when you think about it, it makes sense. We're told to love our neighbors and ourselves, and we're told to have charity towards our neighbors. So if we're supposed to love our neighbors and also have charity towards them, and also love ourselves, it stands to reason that we should have charity towards ourselves, too.

Gospel doctrine was just what I needed today. We talked about successfully failing. And how we need to learn to be...maybe not happy about failing...but positive about it. Note that we tried! And learn from it. Recognize the progress you've made. And–most importantly, in my opinion–understand that YOUR VALUE DOES NOT CHANGE WHEN YOU FAIL. 

We don't really learn a lot from succeeding the first time. We really learn the most when we fail. We learn to take a step back and look at things from a new angle. No matter how many times we fail, we are still the same value as we were before.

Another thing that we talked bout that I absolutely LOVED was that it's not very Christlike to not forgive yourself. I've never thought about that before but it is so true! Christ forgives EVERYONE, every time. So, if we want to be more Christlike, we need to forgive ourselves, too.

And nothing is embarrassing to Him. We can tell Him anything, and ask for forgiveness for the littlest and most dumbest things in our mind, but it's important to Him because it's important to us.

Heavenly Father's view of us doesn't change, even if our view of ourself does. 

He will always love us, and we will always be important to him. And we will always be valued.

Learning to trust God in spite of our weaknesses and trials.

My friend and I were talking the other day about a lot of things but one of the last things that we talked about really stood out to me and I've been thinking about it since then. We were talking about weaknesses and strengths, and she named a whole bunch of things I consider weaknesses and she also named how they got turned into strengths. And it was a really special, kind of spiritual experience that I had with her. I have been thinking about how the way I view my weaknesses affects me. If I think of them as just weaknesses, it breaks me, and tears me down. But if I think of them as ways to be stronger, or things that led me to be strong, it builds me up. I see what I've overcome, and I know that I am strong and capable. But when I doubt myself, and let my weaknesses take over me, I feel weak, incapable, depressed, and uncertain of my worthiness and capabilities to be loved or looked up to. It's hard to remember to look at your strengths in a world that is so focused on weaknesses and imperfections in such a negative way, but focusing on your strengths, and how your weaknesses lead you to strengths, is beautiful and empowering, especially when you have God on your side.

I shared this on Facebook yesterday, after thinking about what my friend and I talked about earlier:

"I am my strengths...and I am my weaknesses. Together, they make me who I am. I have my strengths because of my weaknesses. 

My weaknesses do not define me. 

My weaknesses do not make me any less than I am.
My weaknesses make me human.
My strengths do not define me. My strengths do not make me more than I am. My strengths make me human. 

But one cannot have strengths without weaknesses. One cannot have weaknesses without strengths. You must have one to have the other. Together, they make you unstoppable. Indestructible. Powerful. 

God can turn any weakness into a strength. I've seen that in my own life, and a friend recently brought to my attention just how many weaknesses I have that He's helped me turn into strengths. I'm not perfect at them, but I'm trying my best. And that's all we can do."

Forget not and trust Him.

First week of the new semester is over! And I have all the classes that I want/need now! What a crazy week it was. But this weekend has been a wonderful weekend–I had the opportunity to babysit and it was so fun! A great way to end the stressful week.
I am grateful for the opportunities I had to learn this week–both intellectually and spiritually/personally. Hopefully this will be a fun semester! Maybe a little challenging, but I think I'm ready for it.
I am so excited! I am planning on making a trip to the temple grounds this week, just to sit and think, and I am so grateful that I live so close to temples.
God has really been blessing me lately with things I need, and reminders of other things, including His love, and others'. I am where I am for a reason. Even when I want to give up. I am here to learn and grow. 

Sometimes I question why I am even at college. I question what I am even going to do with my major (I still have no idea). I wonder if it would just be better for me to quit. But then I remember I am so close–three more semesters including this one (crossing our fingers)–and I just need to hold tight. It's been really hard this school year, but I've had the support of my friends and family, which has kept me afloat. And I remember that what I am learning really will help me in my life, considering that I want to be a mom and raise kids some day. Even if that doesn't happen in this life, I will always be in contact with humans, so it's really important to be able to understand our development, and how that works. Plus I find it fascinating, so it's nice to study something I'm interested in and find intriguing and love learning about.

Church was amazing today!
"Being one with Christ means applying the Atonement in every aspect of our lives."
Some ways to follow Christ: Trust, Learn, Do
1) Prov. 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." 
--Feast upon His words
--Pray
--Serve others
As we do these things, we will come to love and trust Him more.
2) Learn of Him
--As we study His life we will be able to learn of Him, and better comprehend who He is. This will also help us better understand who we are.
3) Do as I do
--Submitting to the will of the Father
--Through the Atonement we can repent and be made clean again
--We must be active in using what Christ has given us to become like Him

-There's a balance between giving and receiving service.
-We have to be willing to be humble enough to accept service.
-Oftentimes we pray for help but our (spiritual) earls aren't tuned to hear what we need to hear.
-When we serve, we gain–we don't lose.
-There are people that care about us.
-"When ye (accept) the service of your fellow beings, ye accept (the service) of your God."
~>I loved this! Accepting the service from those around us is like accepting service from God. I don't think we ever think about it like that. We always think about it like we're serving God, and we are His hands, but we never think about it in this way.
-God watches us through each other.
-Both sides of service are important. We're all in this together.

In Gospel Principles today we talked about repentance. And I loved a few of the things we talked about:
-Be honest with the Lord and yourself.
-We are not going to repent perfectly. That's okay.
-Repentance is supposed to be joyful.
-Treat yourself with Christlike love.
-God wants to forgive us.
-Repentance isn't an event. It's a cycle. Something we do over and over again.
-Repentance is change. Thinking about how we can do better with Him.
-Don't listen to people who don't like you. (Satan)

In Relief Society we talked about President (Elder? I don't know anymore haha the transitional period of leadership titles is confusing for me) Uchtdorf's "Forget Me Not" talk in October 2011 to the Relief Society. There are five points that he makes, and I love each one of them because they are applicable to everyone at any and every point in their life.
1) Forget not to be patient with yourself.
-Everyone has strengths and weaknesses
-Keep working on your path to perfection and stop punishing yourself
-As long as you are doing your best, God will help you
2) Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice.
-"Am I committing my time and energy to the things that matter most?"
3) Forget not to be happy now.
-Don't wait for your 'golden ticket' to be happy
-Remember to notice the blessings you do have
-"Find joy in the journey."
-Accept the beauty of life now.
4) Forget not the 'why' of the gospel.
-Remembering the 'why' makes the gospel a joy and delight
-"Whatever you do, work with purpose."
5) Forget not that the Lord loves you.
-You are not forgotten. He loves you with an infinite love.
-If you ever forget or have trouble feeling it, pray and ask Him for confirmation. He will tell you.
-His love is always there, no matter the circumstances.

I had an amazing experience earlier this week when I was writing in my journals goal. Actually I had two in the past couple weeks. The first was that, "I realized that you can't change the past. You can't change what you've done. You can only move forward, make better choices, and try to fix it. Most of the time it will take time to fix it, so you have to be patient." And the second one was that, "I have to believe in myself. I have to believe that I can overcome and be strong. If I tell myself I'm just going to do it again, or that I'm going to fail, I won't progress in the direction that I want. I have to believe in myself." I have to be confident. Luckily that is one of my goals this year. I think I am going to make it my main goal this year. I need to be more confident. I have changed a lot these past few years in college, but I still have room for improvement.

We need to forget not that we have a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother who want what is best for us. They love us so much, They wanted us to become just like Them, so here we are! We were sent down to earth to further our learning and experiences. And even though we passed through the veil and have forgotten the pre-mortal life, we need not forget! God is everywhere around us, blessing us, sending us tender mercies, reminding us, "I am here for you, and I will always be here. I love you."

He LOVES US.

I know that can be hard to understand and remember–I struggle with it at times–but then I remember the people in my life. My parents. My siblings. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. I remember all of them and remember how blessed I am to have such a loving family and support system. And I remember all of the times that I needed to hear something, and they said just what I needed. Or they sent me a text or a note with exactly what I needed to hear. Or just spending time with them was enough. Whatever it was, I remember. I remember the days where I prayed and prayed for God to send me someone–anyone–because I was having a rough day and needed someone, and they came a few days later. Or a few hours later. In the moment of my rough day, I felt like God didn't hear me when I didn't immediately receive an answer. But He did. He always does. And when they came to me was when I actually needed them the most. We think that we know better than God sometimes, but in all honesty, we don't. He knows us better than we do, and He knows what we can handle and what we can't. And He knows what we need to experience to grow. We just need to trust Him.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Life is good!

Xoxo
Mattie