He has the most perfect plan for me.

Okay, so this week was super interesting! It started off normal, but on Tuesday I got the news that I will be taking over the preschool classroom at work! I am very nervous but also very excited! I also received my college diploma in the mail on Tuesday! It is now official–I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!

Tuesday was honestly such a blessing, because for the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I have a purpose. These last couple of weeks/months have been really hard for me in many ways, but receiving my diploma and getting to teach the three-year-olds at work is a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.

In Relief Society today, we discussed the General Conference talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund.

We talked about how we don't earn blessings, but we do have to qualify for them. We also don't get to  pick and choose the blessings we get. God gives us the blessings that we need–and also when we need them. Elder Renlund said, "Blessings are never earned, but faith-inspired actions on our part, both initial and ongoing, are essential."

Blessings come on God's timetable–even if we are qualified. Sometimes there are things that we have to learn by waiting. We have to have faith, and patience. It's hard. Really it is. There are things that I want more than anything in the world but am unable to have right now and it's HARD to have faith. It's HARD to have patience. It's HARD to trust that God knows best and that everything will work out in the end.

But I was talking with some friends this week, and they gave me some really good advice. One of my friends said, "We can have lives tailor-made for us by the One who sees it all...God is still looking out for you, regardless of how content you are with your life." I really loved that. I need to trust Him because it's not up to me. It's in His hands. He has the most perfect plan for me, and He is looking out for me–even when I'm upset and confused about what is going on in my life.

I've been seeing His hand a lot in my life this week. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can make a difference. I feel like I can actually do some good. I'm terrified beyond explanation to teach, but I am grateful for not only an amazing boss who is willing to help me as I'm trying to get ready to start to teach these kiddos next week, but I'm grateful for an amazing God who is blessing me with opportunities to grow. Even when I doubt Him sometimes. Even when I doubt myself. Even when I don't really understand why I am going through what I am going through. He is giving me opportunities to work on myself, and to work on trusting Him. I'm learning to live in the moment and live for myself.

I'm really grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful that He still loves and blesses me even when I do not always entirely trust Him. I am trying to be better about trusting Him, and seeing that there are good things about my life each and every day. I am not perfect, and every day I struggle with lots of different things–sometimes the same things each day. But I am trying to be better. And I know that even if my trust in God is growing by baby steps, it is still growing. And I know that that is all He asks of me.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! July is almost over, and August is almost here! It's so weird to think that I won't be going back to school as a student! I'm really excited for this next chapter in my life–terrified, yes, but excited.

Xoxo
Mattie

Every day, I just have to remember.

It is good to be home! New York was really fun but I am grateful to be home.

I learned a lot about myself while I was in New York, and today in church I learned a lot about God, personal revelation, and trials.

I saw this post on Facebook the other week that I absolutely loved.

In Psalm 23:5 it says, "thou anointest my head with oil". The post on Facebook said

“Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply! His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always! There is peace in the valley! May our good, good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings! God is good and He is faithful!!” ~Author Unknown

I loved this post! How this gives a whole new meaning to the term 'anointing'. It is a protection against things that can harm us. We use oil to anoint the heads of those that are sick in order to bless them, but it is still a protection. It is used to give a blessing, and is used for protection against further illness, injury, etc.

I really love the idea that we are the Lord's sheep. He is our Shepherd–which means He anoints us to protect us. If we are lost, He will leave those who are not lost to find us. He wants us to be safe, and knows that we are safe in numbers. Which is why He has given us families. Neighborhoods. Wards. Stakes. He has given us places and groups of people where we can be loved, cared for, and safe. We are His flock, and He has made sure that we are surrounded with people who love and care for us.

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Today in Sunday School we were reading in Acts 10, and in verse 15, it says, "What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." I loved this!! Because I have been cleansed. I am not common. I am a child of God. He has blessed me and forgiven me and given me what I need to do to bless His children. It is not my job to judge others–or even myself. That is His job. If He says I am clean, then I am clean.

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I was talking with a friend about life things, and she shared with me a story that I loved and I wanted to share it with you:

'There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a
work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun
down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the
unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his
cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill
yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc."

Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he
was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill
myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the
minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do
until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled
thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I
failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked
you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did
I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And
now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But,
is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your
back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have
become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that
which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. 

BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO 

EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM,
this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."'

I really loved this story. The Lord has asked me to push–He has asked me to be obedient. He has asked me to keep my covenants. He has asked me to sacrifice and serve. He has asked me to trust in Him. That is what I am to do. He will move the rock. 

My friend also said something else that I loved. She reminded me that not only did I make a covenant with the Lord, but HE MADE A COVENANT WITH ME. He covenanted that He will be with me, no matter what. Even when I cannot perceive Him–for whatever reason–He is still there. He is still with me. He is still right beside me. 

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Right now, I cannot see what's ahead of me. A lot of the time, this really frustrates me. Especially when I am trying to ask God for help, and I cannot seem to hear His reply. But my task is to push. My task is to trust. My task is to have faith. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems as if I am not getting an answer. Even when I cannot seem to see or hear Him. Because His task is to make it move. He made a covenant with me that He will be there. I made a covenant that I will be there for other people, and that I will remember Him. He made a covenant that He will be there. 

All of this is easier said than done sometimes.

I feel like I know all this...but applying it is difficult.

My anxiety doesn't help. My depression doesn't help. Not receiving an answer makes me feel lost and alone. Even when it's a close friend. Logically I know that there is a reason for their lack of–or late–response. Logically I know that God is there but He might have something for me to learn. But my depression whispers, "You aren't worthy of their love. You aren't worth their time. They don't really want to be there for you." My anxiety whispers, "Are you sure they are your friend? Is this how friends act?"

It is a constant battle. My faith is trying to remind me that God keeps His promises, but my anxiety and depression are trying to tell me that He keeps His promises to everyone else. But that is not true. He keeps His promises to me. 

This is my trial. I have anxiety and depression, and this can lead to trust issues. This can lead to me not hearing God. This can lead to me questioning the direction I am going. This can lead to me questioning if I am really loved. This can lead to me wanting to just stop existing, and to just end all of the turmoil and pain. This can lead to me believing and thinking that I am alone. 

But this is my blessing. I have been led to people who love me–despite my issues (that are, in all honesty, not as terrible as my brain leads me to believe). I have been led to people who listen to my problems when I am struggling. I have been led to people who know that sometimes all I need is reassurance that I am loved, and that I am doing okay. I have been led to people who were exactly what I needed when I met them–and who are exactly what I need when I turn to them. 

Life is hard. Especially when a lot of your problems stem from your own brain. Every day I am trying to remind myself that I am loved, that God is there, and that I am doing okay. Some days, I'm ecstatic to go to work, to see all the kids, and to teach them and learn from them! Some days, it is all I can do to get out of bed. 

Every day is a new adventure...and sometimes it's not a good adventure. But every day...I am pushing. Sometimes I am pushing with all my might, and sometimes my might isn't as much as it was the other day. That is okay. Pushing gets tiring. As long as I am doing my best, it's good enough. Because all God asks of me is to push. Push ahead. Push through. Push past. Push with all my might. He never asked me to move the rock. Because that is His job. He wants me to obey. So even when I don't understand, I push. Even when I don't understand, I do His will. Because someday it will all make sense. At least, that is what He tells me. And–despite my brain's insistence that I can't trust Him–I do. I trust Him with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. Every day, I just have to remember.

Xoxo

Mattie

We are made up of a million tiny little things.

This week I have been in one of the most famous cities in the world: New York City!!! It has been a DREAM of mine for a long time and I can't believe I've finally been able to make it here!!! It has been an absolute BLAST and I have learned a lot about myself and life.

I've learned that I am extremely polite, I take my time to look at art and nature, I'm very independent, I need a map/guide, I often state the most obvious things, and when things go wrong I tend to look on the bright side.

I've learned that people in New York do NOT know how to drive!!!! At all!!!! I will never complain about Utah drivers again.

I've learned that it's a lot harder to hear God in the city that never sleeps...but when I can, it's still as beautiful as ever.

I've learned that you can never get tired of beautiful places, experiences, and things.

I've learned that sometimes stepping out of your comfort city/state is not only wanted, but NEEDED to give you a nice little break from your life.

I've learned that sometimes, in order to appreciate your life and get a better point of view, you need to take a step back.

I've learned that God is always with you. He cares about you. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to be HAPPY. And happiness is a choice. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light, as Professor Dumbledore said.

Sometimes our circumstances aren't what we wanted or imagined. And sometimes it's depressing. And that's okay. But if you focus on what you don't have, you lose sight of what you DO have. And I've learned that that doesn't make me the happiest of people.

It's hard to focus on what I do have, especially when I am not entirely sure what I do have. Not that I don't have lots of amazing parts to my life, but sometimes it seems like there aren't that many things to my life. I have a great job, great coworkers, great family, great friends.

But there is more to life, right? That's why I came to New York—because I wanted to see the world, and wanted to experience the world. I wanted to see what else the world has to offer. Because maybe–just maybe–if I can see what else the world has to offer, maybe I can see what else I have to offer.

Bishop Christopher W. Waddell said in the April 2019 General Conference, "As we seek the guidance of the Spirit and trust the Lord, we will be placed in situations and circumstances where we can act and bless—in other words, minister. There may be other times when we recognize a need but feel inadequate to respond, assuming that what we have to offer is insufficient. To do just as He did, however, is to minister by giving what we are capable of giving and to trust that the Lord will magnify our efforts to bless our “fellow travelers on this mortal journey.” For some, it may be giving the gift of time and talents; for others, it may be a kind word or a strong back. Although we may feel that our efforts are inadequate, President Dallin H. Oaks shared an important principle regarding “small and simple.” He taught that small and simple acts are powerful because they invite “the companionship of the Holy Ghost,” a companion who blesses both the giver and the receiver.

Small and simple things. It is the little things that make all the difference. We're all made up of a million tiny little things. We're all given the opportunity to make a difference with a million tiny little choices. What we CAN and DO give is enough—no matter how big or how small. As long as you are giving your all, you are making a difference.

Xoxo
Mattie

You have to try, or nothing will change.

Jesus Christ suffered and died for me. He gave His LIFE for me–how can I repay Him? Honestly, I can't. All I can do is try every day to be better, and to do better. Sometimes, I fail. But I get up and try again. My friend told me recently, "It’s okay to lose sometimes! You are still amazing and faith-filled and dedicated and full of worth! Every day is an opportunity for a new victory." I loved that and thought it was beautiful. I am human, and I am imperfect. I make mistakes, and sometimes I lose. It's a great reminder that my worth is not dependent upon anything. My worth is as constant as the sea–as constant as the changing of the moon and tides. It is always there and it is a reminder of the love of my Father in Heaven.

God loves me. I can ask Him, and He will tell me. He blesses me constantly–even when I can't see it. He is aware of me, and of my struggles. I can do hard things. I have done hard things, and I will continue to do hard things. Life is always throwing curveballs at me, and I am always going to be trying to hit them out of the park. Sometimes I will fail. But as I talk with Him, and tell Him how I am feeling, I can better be aware of His light and guidance in helping me through my struggles.

Sometimes I can't do things.
But because of (and with) Him, I can.

Jesus Christ is the only one who truly understands all that I am going through. He can help me overcome the feelings and experiences that are making me feel sad, anxious, depressed, and anything in between. Those feelings might not go away completely, but He can help me fill my life and change my focus so that the ache is not as constant.

Someone said in their testimony today that if we are constantly watering a plant, we are going to drown it. The same is with God. God is always aware of me, and He will water me (give me spiritual guidance/experiences) when I need it, and He will always give me enough.

I know that life is always going to be rough. There are always going to be challenges. There are always going to be "trips to the hospital for things that turn out to be appendicitis" in life–sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. But you have to keep moving forward. You have to TRY. Or nothing will change. There is no growth in the comfort zone. There is no comfort in the growth zone. I am trying every day to be better. I know that I am not in the comfort zone because every day is hard.

I am trying to learn as I am growing but sometimes it is hard to see what I can learn from these experiences. I am trying to be patient and focus on taking things one day at a time but sometimes it is hard. Sometimes my anxiety makes me worried about the future. Sometimes my depression makes me think that there is no future, so why should I worry about what's going on in my life right now? Together, they make trusting my Heavenly Father probably the most difficult thing in the world for me right now. But I know that as I turn to Him, and put my trust in Him every day...even if I don't understand...that little by little, this puzzle that is my life will start to piece together. Because just like a puzzle, it takes time for all the pieces of my life to come together.

"I am glad that the pieces of the puzzle of my life are in God's hands. He knows exactly where and when to put them and make it complete." ~ Caroline Naoroji

Xoxo

Mattie

Faith in the Father.

For the sacrament hymn today, we sang As Now We Take the Sacrament, and the third verse really hit me.

"As now we praise thy name with song, The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts, And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We'll walk thy chosen way."

I'm trying SO HARD to accept the path that He has in store for me but it's really hard. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but then I have a really hard day and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I know that we all have our own paths but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to accept the path that God has for me, especially when I'm not really sure exactly what that path is.

Yesterday I went to the temple and it was SO needed! I received much peace and love from my Heavenly Father. But it's still hard. I'm trying to live my life and it's okay most of the time. But there are moments when it's not okay. There are moments when I am not okay. AND THAT IS OKAY. I need to be PATIENT. It's HARD but I know that it will be worth it. I need to focus on the things that I am DOING and remember to trust Him. He trusts me to choose the direction I want to go, apparently, so I can do any of the things I've been pondering about lately. I just need to choose and have faith in Him.

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I had a moment the other day where I was writing some things down. One is not necessarily anything special–it's not a poem or anything but it means something to me.

I feel unrecognizable. I look in the mirror and I see myself...but I don't recognize myself. Some days I am happier than I can remember. But some days I am sadder than ever. 

I think I have been stretched beyond recognition these past few years and I hope that is a good thing. I hope I am a new person–a better person–than I was at the start of my last chapter. This new chapter is going to be difficult–lots of new experiences, friends, and trials–but I just need to take things one page...one sentence...one word...one letter at a time.

One is a poem and I thought that it was helpful for me to write–I got to see my relationship with myself and with God in words–so I wanted to share and give a challenge to you to write your own version. Pick a phrase that means a lot to you and find words that describe you to make your own little poem. :)

"Selected by Him" by Mattie Radke
I am Strong
I am Educated
I am Loving
I am Elect
I am Compassionate
I am Thoughtful
I am Elegant
I am Devoted 

I am Beautiful
I am extraordinarY

I am Helpful 

I am Intelligent 

I am Mattie

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I'm trying every day to be better, but sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes all I can do is go to work and come home and sleep because I'm exhausted from trying. Sometimes I feel like the last four years have STRETCHED ME OUT beyond recognition. I am soo not the same person I was four years ago.

Sometimes it's hard to apply the things that I know. I know that God has a plan for me...but sometimes it's hard to accept that His plan is different than mine. I know that God trusts me...but sometimes it's hard for me to trust His trust in me. But yesterday, when I was in the temple, I had a thought. All I can do is try. I am not perfect. I am human–I have too many emotions and I make mistakes all the time. But...I keep trying. And that is all that He asks me to do. 

I'm so excited for the month of July! My family is going on vacation this week and then I am going to New York next week!! I am hoping that getting out of my normal routine for a couple of weeks will be good for me! I am so pleased with how everything has been coming together and I am grateful for the chance to get away for a bit!

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I am sometimes hard to work with, but I am grateful for their continued support and love. I hope that I will be able to make my Heavenly Parents and my Savior proud of me in the years to come. I am trying hard to be better than my emotions and my mental illnesses but sometimes it's hard. So I'm grateful to have my Savior to depend on and turn to, and I am grateful to have my Heavenly Father's love and support. I am grateful to have Him standing beside me. 

Xoxo

Mattie

Christ can take our pain and make it into a blessing.

This week has been crazy–what with finishing my last finals, starting my job full-time, and technically kind of having an emotional breakdown as one chapter of my life was ending and a new one is beginning. I think that I've felt every emotion under the sun and then some this week.

Learning patience, tolerance, and other emotions like that sucks. I wish that I could just see where God wants me to be. Or what He wants me to do. Or learn. I wish I could trust Him more in different aspects of my life. It's rough, you know? I just want to be with someone who will make me happy who I can make happy, and who I can build a life with...but my life is more than just a path, more than just a journey, more than just a destination...my life is a CHANCE. A chance to be someone better. A chance at happiness. And it starts with me. Even if I already feel like I've been doing everything right, God knows when the TIMING is right.

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Brother Smith talked in sacrament meeting about a few scriptures in the 2nd Epistle of Peter, and there were a few things that he talked about that I wanted to mention. He asked a question: How do we get from faith to charity? And then he answered the question. My favorite thing that he talked about was the definition of virtue. He said that virtue means to do good, and to be good, and I loved that! It gave a new meaning to the scripture "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly". Virtue is goodness and if we let GOODNESS garnish our thoughts, life will be better.

In Relief Society, we talked about the General Conference talk by Tad R. Callister entitled "The Atonement of Jesus Christ" and I loved all of the comments and the direction that the discussion went in.

We talked about forgiveness, and how forgiveness comes from love. We talked about how God's forgiveness and forgiveness from others in our life are not entangled together. You can still be forgiven by God, even if those in our life do not forgive us. I thought that was a beautiful thought. No matter what happens, you can be forgiven by God.

We talked about how people can CHANGE and how we need to see people as they ARE and not as they WERE. I think that this is such an important reminder–not only about others, but as ourselves, too. I know that I have struggled with this at times in my life, but I am not the same person as I was. Even if it doesn't seem like I have changed much sometimes, I know deep down that I have changed a lot. I need to let myself stay changed, and we need to let others stay changed.

Our Savior is always with us–and no matter what we go through, He will be there to strengthen us. He will be there to help us deal with the pain, and the struggles, and He will be there to help us learn and grow from it. He will be there to help us find the blessings in our trials.

I have two things to share now. One is a little thought I had during the last little bit of Relief Society.

TRUST. Trust is HARD. Trusting a Being that you can't see is hard, too. 

PATIENCE. Patience is HARD. Patiently waiting for blessings to come is hard, too. 

FAITH. Faith is HARD. Having faith that everything will turn out all right is hard, too. 

Faith is the pathway to happiness. As we trust the Lord, and are patient, those things that we want will come in time. 

The other thing is this: life is easier said than done. But as we take little steps in the direction that we want, God will bless us with the confirmation that it is right, or the knowledge that it is not right. I am still learning to accept this, and to accept that right now, God wants me to choose of the things that I have been pondering, and that any one of them is going to be right. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED that I am going to make the wrong decision...but I need to trust that God will take the one I choose and use it to help me grow and change.

Xoxo
Mattie

New understandings.

Can't believe this week IS IT! This is my LAST WEEK OF COLLEGE!

This week, I have been struggling to focus on school. I'm just so ready to be done and I am very anxious for my finals. But I think that everything will be okay in the end.

I did a lot of pondering during church today. It was pretty therapeutic, and I am grateful for some of the thoughts that I had.

My life is my life, and God has a unique plan for me.

There was this quote that I saw on Facebook that I loved:

I had never thought about it in that way before. There are things I need to learn right now...and I need to learn them by myself. As I am waiting, I can learn to have more faith. I can have a stronger character. And I can keep hoping. It's so hard sometimes. It's really hard, actually. Sometimes I'm okay with life...and sometimes I get really sad about it. It's hard to remember that my worth is constant, and solely based on the fact that I am a child of God. It's hard to remember that I am a PERSON first. It's hard to see what kinds of things I might need to learn right now. It's hard to see what kinds of things I have to give to the world. 

It's also sometimes hard to remember I don't need to have anything specific to be happy. I get to CHOOSE whether or not I am happy every day. I need to remember to turn to my Savior and lean on Him. And sometimes it's difficult. My depression and anxiety don't always help. I think that I need to focus on my testimony right now. And my mental health. It is okay for me to feel sad. But I can't let it overwhelm me. I can't let my sadness get to me. I have to be patient. 

It's kinda funny...right as I was writing about having to be patient, the second speaker in sacrament meeting was starting his talk, which was about...PATIENCE. 

While he was talking, I kept thinking about a lot of different things that I need to work on. I think that I need to gain a new understanding of patience and work on it. I also need to figure out what "trusting the Lord" means to me. 

One important thing that I was thinking about was how I need to make time to go to the temple each week. I can't not go. It drives me crazy when I don't go. I receive more peace, understanding, and blessings when I go and I am able to realign my views on life. I know that this will bless me because when I was going every week earlier this year, my life was better. My life is better with the Gospel–it's better with the temple, and it's better with the Lord.

I'm very excited to be done with school this week! I am excited to begin working full-time at the daycare! I love the kiddos so much and am so grateful for all the things that they teach me! 

Happy Sunday! Have a great week! :)

Xoxo

Mattie